I was thinking today about all the advice I have received and not followed since I was a child. It seems there are well meaning people everywhere who are more than willing to help me run my life. Some people are very good at giving advice, but I have preferred to do what I think is right for me, rather than what someone else may think is right. I can not say my way has worked out the best or been the smoothest ride, but for me it was the best way.
I quit giving advice many years ago, or at least I think I have. Sometimes, I wonder if I am getting lost in semantics, or I really quit giving advice. When someone asks for advice, a conversation turns from being on the same level whatever level that was to a parent to child conversation. I dislike parent to child conversation because I do not think they are conductive conversations even when I may be talking with a child. I like to keep a conversation with both parties on the same level that way we are equals discussing the possibilities.
I prefer to think that I now give suggestions and examples instead of advice. Suggestions and examples are explorable, where advice is like a pressed caplet; it is an all or nothing proposition. Also if I give examples or suggestions, there leaves options to explore and modify according to a particular circumstance, rather than the other person assuming I am intimately knowledgeable of their particular circumstance.
If I simply give advice, the things that become of it are usually not good. Someone follows my advice and it made things worse. Someone followed only parts of my advice and it made things worse, or someone only heard part of what I said and trying it made things worse. The times my advice has worked have been fewer than I am comfortable with, not because the advice was bad, but because the listener was not active in the conversation.
These days in most circumstances, I want to hear all about the problem and then offer suggestions based on my life experiences. The receiver in the conversation can then ask for clarification, and back up plans can be formed if all does not go as planned. Of course I like to throw in a disclaimer of my own, mentioning that whatever I use as an example worked for me, and it may not work for someone else.
Of course the worst thing about giving advice is in a situation where advice was given and not followed. It used to make me wonder why I bothered to start with. I know now these are usually people who collect opinions, and then when the scale tips far enough in a direction that is what they do, and it had little to do with the advice given.
Suggesting allows me to know the person asking understands what I am suggesting. Usually when people want advice, they are in an area of life that they are not comfortable navigating. Offering suggestions allows me a chance to ask questions to ensure they understand the general flow of what I have said. I also offer that the person try out my suggestion on something not important, to make sure they understand completely. There is nothing worse than following someone’s advice, getting most of the way through, and realizing you have no clue what to do next. Practice makes perfect in this instance.
I was once a help line worker in a small town many years ago. One piece of advice I was given was: When I did not know what to reply to something said on the phone to me, that agreeing with the person was usually the best practice. One night as I slept the phone rang. I answered it half asleep. A person told me they had a gun to their head and they were going to pull the trigger. As most of the calls were about boyfriends and sexual disease, I was totally unprepared for a call like this. Not knowing what to do I used the first piece of advice I remembered when dealing with a tough phone call. I agreed, and said to the caller they should pull the trigger, I said, “Go ahead”. This was not one of the finest pieces of advice ever given under the circumstances.
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