Three things that hurt in a new failed relationship
Posted: under Self help - helped me.
When I read other people’s blogs, they seem to be filled with relationship problems. People feel bad about the state of their relationship and they share their problems with the world. Fortunately most of the blogger,s who are posting their feelings for the world are people who age wise are some way from becoming relationship experts.
The biggest problem that I read about seems to be that someone in the relationship is struggling to make a strong bond when the other party is not really interested. The second biggest problem is one person can not come to terms with the idea that the person they are in a relationship with has interests that are not identical to their own.
The third and no less serious relationship problem I read about is one person can not understand why someone they feel infatuated with does not reciprocate. They can not understand why they are being rejected in such an offhand fashion and why their feelings are being so trampled. This problem seems to be the least serious of the three because the relationship really has not gone anywhere yet.
Of course there are many other problems that people put out daily for the world to ponder, but these three things seem to be the big hitters among young adult trying to find their life and are being hurt and confused in the process. It really should not be this tough to find a person in which someone can have a happy filling relationship with. There are billions of people in this world right now, and every one of us is likely compatible with a few million people around us.
The first task is to look inward and find those things we want in someone we want to spend our life with. No matter what else someone looks for in a relationship, certain traits should come before all others. For example everyone wants to be with someone fun. Issues start with the idea of ‘fun’ because before the relationship starts fun has never been really defined. It is vitally important to define what fun is in a future partner over the long term. Be aware that what is fun now, is not always fun ten years later when your lives have changed.
It is important to remember that just because you want to know someone better does not mean they want to know you better. When this happens, it should never be taken as something personal, even though it feels like it is. What really happens is you are offering a possibility and you are no longer in control of the situation. If they decide that they too are interested in knowing you better that is wonderful. If they do not that is not a reflection on you, and you should not take it as such. Put it into perspective and think of it as offering someone something you think they may want. You make the offer and find out they do not want it. It has nothing to do with the value of your offer, only the offer, and that is very important to remember.
Once someone has accepted your offer of entering a relationship with you, it means they are testing possibilities, nothing more. Whatever it is that peaked your interest in this person should start to become less important as you learn more about them. This seems to be a big hurdle for people to get over. If they decide they will not be compatible with you, it is time to let the relationship go. Holding on and trying to force a relationship the other person has no interest in pursuing only leads to drama and pain that need not happen. Think of this period as test driving a car. If they feel it doesn’t feel right, be satisfied with that and let it go
Of course these ideas sound simple and obvious, and of course they are. When you find yourself frustrated early in a relationship, it is hard to step back and look at the situation in an objective rational manner. It is important for yourself and your emotional health to take some time every day and look at your new relationship and honestly assess its current state. It is much better for you and the other person to stop it early, that ending it in the future when there are more serious ramifications, with emotion being just one of them.
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Apr 18 2008