Living with anger was quite an experience. I found out late in my teenage years that anger simmered away in me. I never suffered from the bully type of anger thankfully. That anger only surfaces when it is ‘safe’ to do so. My anger was deeper, and it was a surprise when I discovered it. There comes a time in our teenage years when introspection starts creeping in to our psyche. For me it was more obvious, I was tired of being angry all the time.
It was during this time that I discovered the amount of anger I had. Looking back from that time, I could point out various times when I was driven by anger, but I was not able to find a time in my life when I could say, my anger started at this point. In my life, my anger seemed to have started before my first thoughts. I remember being a small child knowing I was tricked into coming here. I remember not wanting to come, of being immensely happy and content where I was, and now I was angry that I was here. Not your typical child thought, but it was the earliest anger thought I could remember.
Everything we experience has a reason. So was my anger. It had to be there for a reason, and just like feeling alone (previous post), I wanted to find out everything about anger. At first I tried to keep it under control. I would become angry, but anger is not socially acceptable, so I would try to hide it. All keeping my anger hidden did was to ensure that for the next three or four days I would be angry. It was not fun being angry for three or four days in a row. You find yourself mad at everything and everyone. I denied being angry, not wanting to explain to anyone that I was seething with (usually misplaced) anger.
The next step was to let my anger out. I looked for positive ways of getting rid of my anger, usually through doing something physical. That helped with my anger, but it never made any change in me. It just tired me out, so I cared less about other things. I used other parts of life trying to expel my anger, but they did not have any lasting effect either.
The next outlet I found for my anger was expressing it. Letting people feel the full force of my anger. Seething, cutting remarks, constant arguing, bickering, and generally making sure other people felt my anger as deeply as I did. It worked! My anger was diffused much faster, and I was able to get on with life much quicker. I could go to sleep at night and wake up without insatiable anger burning through my mind.
Over the course of time I found myself alone more often than not. I knew no matter how much my friends cared about me, they would only allow themselves to be a whipping post for my anger so long. Once that point was reached, they wanted no more of me, and I understood completely, as ironic as that sounds. One day I woke up and realized that what I was doing with my life was just plain dumb, and was of no value to me. At that point all that was left was me and my anger. I had done all I could with anger, and although it was a useful tool, it had its limits, and obviously I had abused those limits many times.
I was left with two choices. Either use anger as a positive in my life, or stay angry and let the world know feel my anger too. As with any other serious problem that we refuse to address, it always comes down to two very hard choices. Either continue to knowingly do something that is very harmful to deadly, or let it go. I chose to let my anger go. As with all changes, it took time. My whole life had to be reshaped, and I had a lot of ground to cover before people were willing to trust me not to hurt them. But I got there, and so can you if you see yourself here.
