Toxic Mom Poisons Daughter

I was eating lunch and I watched a woman who seemed to be in a toxic relationship with her oldest daughter. The daughter was somewhere between ten and twelve. The family was made up of the Mother and Father, and three children. The girl who was the oldest, a second little girl of three or four, and a baby of less than a year.

They ordered their food from the counter, and the Father stayed behind to pick up the order. The rest of the family took a booth across the aisle from where I was sitting. The Mother had a serious limp. I was sure one leg was shorter than the other and she did not have a proper shoe to level out her walk. I felt sad for her.

The Father appeared with drinks for all of them. An old man sitting near them started a conversation with the family. He asked the ages of the kids, their names, and what grade the oldest was in. The Mother did most of the talking and had glowing reviews for the smallest two kids.

toxic momThe Mother told the old man that the oldest daughter did not have much of an interest in being a girl or even taking basic care of herself such as combing her hair. I could see her hair could use some combing, but it was straight hair and cut above the neck, so it did not look bad, it simply did not look freshly combed. The Mother went on to volunteer that the oldest girl did not care about the quality of her clothes and had little interest in her things. I thought it was unusual for a Mother to down talk her daughter to a stranger the way she did.

The husband left to the counter and the middle girl of about four told the Mom she had to go to the bathroom. The middle girl got out to go to the bathroom. She was gone about ten seconds when the Mom tells the oldest girl, “Don’t just sit there go watch your sister.” The oldest girl got up and walked to the bathroom.

The Girls came back and the Mom asked the oldest Girl, “Did she wash her hands?”
Girl, “I was outside.”
“Why didn’t you watch her? What were you doing at the door, why didn’t you go in too”, “You’re just lazy”, “You can’t do one simple thing right!”, stated the Mom.

The Mom got up and limping severely walked the little girl to the bathroom. The Dad showed up with the food, and handed it out. Nothing was said mentioned about what just occurred.

The Mom walked back from the bathroom walking perfectly normal, no limp whatsoever. I thought, this is an interesting situation. The Mom talked while the family ate. Most of the talk was directed towards the oldest girl. I started noting words the Mother used. During the time it took the family to eat, every sentence directed to or about the oldest girl contained one of three words.

The three words were: don’t, can’t, and doesn’t. Over fifteen minutes of talking and only one or two sentences were not generally degrading using one of those three words about or to the girl. The Father asked the Mom to get something and once again she walked briskly without the slightest trace of a limp.

The father then said he had to be somewhere, and after giving the oldest girl some good attention and hug goodbye, he left. The Mother took her verbal barrage to a higher level. She took the baby out of the carrier it was in and after holding it for a few seconds told the oldest girl to hold.

Don’t hold him like that. Don’t bounce him. Don’t stand with him. Don’t let his head be like that. You can’t do anything can you. On and on almost two to three minutes of more don’ts before she took the baby back. I knew then the Mom was in some sort of twisted competition for the Husband/Fathers attention. The girl is the Father’s favorite, and the Mother is jealous of the relationship.

I doubt the Mother was aware she talks and degrades the girl as she does. I thought of saying something, but I knew she would deny it and tell me to mind my own business. I felt bad for the girl, and the constant torrent of directed negativity she was receiving from a parent.

I am curious, was this an isolated incident, or are toxic Mother and selected Daughter relationships more common than I think? Would you have approached the Mother and said something? Has anything like this happened in your family? What about the girl. It seems to me she is going to live with negative voices in her head. What are you thoughts?

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President Obama’s Speech To Kids

I listened and watched people on television this morning saying they did not want their children exposed to President Obama because of what he stands for. Ignorance speaks for itself. Here is the ultra inflammatory document he will read from today to influence our nations children. It is amazing my how fear based stupidity continues despite. I hope I have the formatting correct, my apology if I do not.

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Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama
Back to School Event

Arlington, Virginia
September 8, 2009

The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today.

I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.

I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning.

Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, “This is no picnic for me either, buster.”

So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year.

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility.

I’ve talked about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn.

I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox.

I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t working where students aren’t getting the opportunities they deserve.

But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.

And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.

And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’ve got to work for it and train for it and learn for it.

And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.

Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork.

I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in.

So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.

But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.

Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right.

But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.

Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future.

That’s what young people like you are doing every day, all across America.

Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas. Jazmin didn’t speak English when she first started school. Hardly anyone in her hometown went to college, and neither of her parents had gone either. But she worked hard, earned good grades, got a scholarship to Brown University, and is now in graduate school, studying public health, on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.

I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. He’s endured all sorts of treatments and surgeries, one of which affected his memory, so it took him much longer – hundreds of extra hours – to do his schoolwork. But he never fell behind, and he’s headed to college this fall.

And then there’s Shantell Steve, from my hometown of Chicago, Illinois. Even when bouncing from foster home to foster home in the toughest neighborhoods, she managed to get a job at a local health center; start a program to keep young people out of gangs; and she’s on track to graduate high school with honors and go on to college.

Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. They faced challenges in their lives just like you do. But they refused to give up. They chose to take responsibility for their education and set goals for themselves. And I expect all of you to do the same,

That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community. Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn. Maybe you’ll decide to take better care of yourself so you can be more ready to learn. And along those lines, I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.

Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it.

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work — that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things.

But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.

That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, “I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.

And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?

Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

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Right Games Can Get You Happy

There was at least one study I read on game playing near the border of the United States and Mexico. How children play together depending on where they live. The study found the farther south a child lived, the more cooperative they were, even in competitive games.

Many studies with children as subjects find playing competitive games suggest competitive games are not as good for positive interactive behavior as more cooperative games. In the realm of adult competitive games, much of our social behavior ranges from mildly cooperative to very competitive. Often we find ourselves in situations where ‘office’ politics, clicks, and informal teams work together for the benefit of themselves.

gamesBeing around this behavior not by choice adds to the stress of trying to fit in and be successful. Old memories of the pain of losing rainy day games may arise. Memories of board games such as Monopoly or Risk return. Electronic games played against a friend or family member surface. These memories return because to our brains, the unhealthy social situation is a repeat of those childhood experiences. It is looking for a solution for us. Dealing with type of frustration is as much an internal as an external issue.

It is not always easy to change our life, yet there are some choices we can make to improve our situation. What and how we think is reflected in our life. Sitting in a quiet place, with a stream bubbling, and birds singing while we think pleasant thoughts is a pipe dream. Meditating does not change any situation in and of itself. Neither does stewing over a situation and letting how it makes us feel influence our life.

Playing certain games will help the way you feel about your life, and act as a positive catalyst for making changes. Going home and playing a first person shooter and killing everything that moves may temporarily improve your mood, but is not helpful in the long term as it does not help to solve anything.

Rather than playing a game of killing everything that moves, find a puzzle or logic game to play. Puzzle and logic games may not be relaxing at first, but they are beneficial over the long term to improving your life.

Puzzle or logic games change the way we choose to approach problems. Working on a puzzle changes our focus. Playing a logic game betters the skills needed to win more often. These games modify our thinking into a different form than we currently think. We start to see problems as a challenge rather than a frustration.

Adult social games may sound funny. All of us play social games of some type. Even if we try not to play social games, that can be a game in itself. Good social games are differentiated from bad social games by the mores and rules we live by, who we are, and what we believe.

Becoming better at puzzle and logic games gives us new tools for bettering our social issues. Instead of feeling helpless in a life situation, using skills learned from puzzle and logic games will almost improve any situation. Dusting off unused skills or acquiring new skills, such as critical thinking, creative thinking, or logical thinking, are tools to be used to improve our environment.

Playing at puzzle or logic games, our social problems start to become solvable. Thinking of an unhappy life situation as a game to be solved instead of something to be dreaded changes our thinking about what happens to us and around us. Changing our attitude into something positive removes the feelings make our life a chore. As those life is a chore feelings move into the background gives us more time to find better ways to make our life work for us instead of against us.

Play a game, and change your life in the process. Just as a recent study on one game found, Tetris is good for your brain function. These types of games are also good for your life. With the proper skills life can be fun and with enough practice, games will be played around you instead of with you.

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Thank You Around The World

serviceThis blog has helped make me feel like a citizen of the world in many ways. Having people visiting from all over the world is something that fills me with awe. I read a number of blogs and I normally do not spend a lot of time wondering where the blog originates. Maybe I would be surprised if I knew where some of the blogs I read are from.

This list may not describe where you are exactly, but it is as precise as the company that I pay to host my blog chooses to be. If you are not from one of the places listed, drop me an email of where you are, and I will either edit this post with your country, or place it as a comment.

This is my big thank you no matter where you live, taking the time to read what I write, and learning what I enjoy and think. Thank you for returning too.

In the order my web host lists visitors:

US Commercial (.com), Network (.net), Unresolved/unknown, US Educational (.edu), Turkey, United Kingdom, Netherlands, Germany, Italy, Old Style Arpanet (arpa), Canada, Indonesia, Brazil, Argentina, South Africa, Belgium, Sweden, Poland, Russian Federation, Australia, India, Ukraine, Mexico, Singapore, Finland, New Zealand (Aotearoa), US Military, Hungary, Lithuania, Seychelles.

This is quite a list! I am always surprised with how many people know English as a second language. There are so many of you who are way ahead of my language learning ability. I have a tough time with English as a first language, speak Spanish like a two year old on a bad hair day, and can carry on very simple written conversations in one or two languages from Europe.

Beyond that, I do not seem to have an ear for languages other than listening to the music in them. For musical Languages, Farsi is the prettiest language I have heard. No idea what is said, but the way the language flows is pretty.

I know like me, your time is important, so once again I want to say thank you for stopping by, and thank you for hanging around. I write what I write because I went a long time fighting with my life, and learned how to be happier.

I hope what I write helps everyone enjoy their life more with less pain in the process. When I think of all the people like you from all over the world reading my blog, I am humbled. My grammar and wording is not all it could be, so I know you are not here to learn good English grammar skills but rather because I offer something that helps you in some way.

For the last time for now, thank you again for taking time to stop by. Blogging my thoughts is one way for me to do some small thing for others. Big thing happen in small steps.

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