I am going to create a list of “I wants”. Many of us spend our lives making lists that start with, ‘I want’. Whether it is a grocery list, a checklist for a new computer, a new cell phone, even what we want in a partner or ourselves, we make and use lists all day every day.

One of the most used ‘I want’ lists is the famous, “To do” list. Even thought this appears to be a list of unfinished tasks, it is really a list about ourselves. Placing tasks in a list with some order of preference makes it not seem as much of an ‘I want’ list as a means to an end.

Another common ‘I want’ List os the shopping list. Whether the list contains grocery items, clothes, or make up, it is still an, ‘I want’ list. We write it out, drive to wherever we need to go, and put the items on our list into our cart or basket.

Of all of our personal life lists, the list I find the most interesting are the lists we keep private. These lists are the most important lists in our life, and usually are not written down for anyone to find. These private lists are different lists of things we either want or do not want that define who we are.

One list may be a list of what we want to have the ability to attract a partner. Another list may be a list of items we are going to change in ourselves. There are other more private lists we have. We all carry around short lists of thoughts and habits we never let anyone else know about, such as our most secret desires, major flaws we believe we have, and our secret list of what is really important.

Keeping all these lists can be a good thing or bad depending on what we do with our list collection – and it really is a collection. Taking some time to review on our own secret lists, how do our private lists compare with our public self? Are our public and private lists similar, or do they have major differences?

For example somewhere on our public list there may be an entry to be generous when the occasion comes up. When we find ourselves in the public spotlight we are generous with what we have. Looking at our private list however we see that generosity is not on our private list. Our only entries for generosity applies to getting others to be generous with us.

Looking closely at our public and private lists it may be there is a lot of contradiction between our two lists. The list of items we show the world and our private list reads as if it were created by two different people.

It is not a simple matter to take out your private lists and live them in public. Social pressure to conform arrives via family, friends, church, and other sources. Anything public is a strong motivator to follow the group ideals. Doing what the group wants is the safest way to navigate life. However, doing what the group wants in public, and doing what we want in private is a tremendous drain on our own personal resources.

Having opposing lists of public and private actions, using one list or the other depending on momentary circumstance creates a large amount of inner conflict. Having this inner conflict swirling around, and determining our action by whether we are in public or private prevents us from really living in a manner that is of the most benefit to both our private and public self.

If you go over your public and private lists that comprise your life, and you find two different ‘I wants’ on your two lists, one of the responses needs to go away. Your public ‘I want’ should  be replaced by your private ‘I want’. Your private ‘I want’ list may not be what your social group wants, and that is okay. As long as your private ‘I want’ list is not immoral or illegal, following your private list all the time is healthier for you and your social group.

Serving two masters at one time can not be done. When you review your lists, decide who is truly the captain of your ship, those around you, or you. If you decide you are the Captain of your ship, lead from within following the private ‘I want’ list that defines you, and let go of the faulty, problem fraught  public ‘I want’ list which comes from outside of you.