Blaming the world for my poor decision

When I was in college I used to hitchhike home some weekends. It was seventy miles one way, and split between two states. I did not mind hitchhiking so much as I was going home which beat the heck out of staying in the dorm for another weekend.

Some of the trips were okay, and some were good. The best rides I had usually came from Marine Corp recruiters. I knew when they picked me up, I would be a captive audience for a recruitment spiel that lasted as long as the Marine recruiter was heading in the direction I was going. Usually the talk ended with something along the line of, “How about you come down to the office and take our test?” Of course I respectfully declined.

Even though it was one main highway from college to the city where I lived, it was rare to catch one ride straight though. Most people would pick me up in one little town and tell me they were only going to the next little town. That was okay with me, the variety of people who where willing to pick up a teenage hitch hiker was always interesting. They were mostly working people, and I imagine, knew what life was like without a car.

I had hitched rides since I was a kid. Living in the country, it made for more play time if I could catch a ride to my friends homes who lived a mile or two away. Some drivers were a little strange, and maybe had strange ideas, but I never had any problems even as a kid. I always thought hitching rides was fun, and a cheap easy way to get around. That was a long time ago…

One night hitching home from college stands out in my mind. I could not leave as early as I wanted to. I left around dinner time which is a bad time to catch a ride in rural areas as most people were eating dinner. I walked about two miles before I caught my first ride.

My first ride was a good one, they took me about twenty five miles before they arrived where they were going. I thought it would be a quick trip. Catch another ride, and most of the trip would be over. I did not plan on the weather though.

As I walked along putting my thumb out when cars were heading in my direction, it became cloudy and dark. The sun had gone down. That was not a problem normally, but this night the clouds blocked out any light from the moon and stars. The lack of starlight at least made it very dark.

A mile later and three cars later, I was still walking, and it started to rain. Of course being a footloose college kid, I had no rain jacket. Because it was early fall, the rain was not warm. I walked nine more miles being passed by a number of cars which either did not see me, or did not want to pick up a soggy rider, and get their car all wet.

By this time I was getting tired and the rain was really coming down. A car came up from behind me, slowed and pulled over. I thought at last I have a ride! The car had out of state plates so I figured it was a salesman. They were good company. I sloshed up to the car, and opened the door.

He took one look at me and said, “You are all wet!” I said, “Yes, of course, I walked the last nine miles.” He said, “Well I can’t let you in, please close the door.” What could I do but close the door and watch him drive off, leaving me behind.

I became angry. I was tired, hungry, and getting cold. I railed against the weather. I yelled about how much walking I had done. I yelled, and then yelled some more. Then I stopped yelling. In the midst of my yelling, I realized there was no one listening. There was also no one to blame for my predicament but myself, and besides myself, there was no one out there on the empty highway to care.

I resigned myself to walking the rest of the night, and let my anger go, as it was not accomplishing anything. Less than a minute later, a car pulled over and dropped me off within a few minutes walking time of my house. Such is life.

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The last bus left, and I was not on it…..

Well, Christmas is almost over. Rather the holiday itself, though Christmas lights and feelings will go on for a few more days. It really raced up on me this year. I have been so busy enjoying life, I was not really paying attention to those other things that matter in life.

Because I was not paying attention to my own life something snuck up on me this year. I was struck by the anger that comes from being left behind. It is kind of hard to explain, and that not really be what it is, but it feels that way to me.

My closest family members who are older than I am are either gone, or somewhere where they can not easily be called on the telephone. For the one that can be called, they may not be in a state to contribute much to any conversation any way, so it really matters little because they are in essence gone.

Another family member has the cough. Not just any cough, but THE COUGH. The kind you get when your lungs can not repair themselves from smoking any longer. The first few times I heard the cough through the phone, I asked if they had a cold. The third time, they had been to the doctor and told me a few months ago what the doctor said. Tick, tick, the clock is on for them and time is running a very mortal path.

Most of the time I accept these things as part of the cycle of life. I know my turn is coming, and all they have done is what their parents and close family did before them, and so on, back for as far as I can imagine.

Of course the spiritual side of me knows that everything is perfect just as it is. But on days like today, it is my emotions that rule the proverbial roost. I miss them today. I miss them badly. I miss them in such a way it makes me angry today that they are gone.

Once I hit the angry state, every sad and hurting relationship in my life starts floating up to the surface reminding me of other hurts and pains, and losses that have occurred over my lifetime. Why this, why that, why did this have to happen, and why didn’t this work out. Why do I feel so separated from all these people I have held so close to my heart all these years of my life? Why can’t I just let it go, and let it be?

On almost any day other than a few days either side of today, I know there are no answers or somewhere I can point to and say this is the reason, this is why, this is what I need to learn and I haven’t and that is why it continues. Except when I feel this way, almost any day does not matter. Only this moment does. So now what do I do?

I do the only things I know how to do. I feel the pain and the hurt of all the times when any relationship with someone I hold near and dear has gone south and it hurts like hell. I swim in the anger and the hurt. I wallow in the despair. I feel the anger of what feels like being shut out. I pretend it has never happened in anyone’s life but mine.

While I am feeling these things, and feeling quite sorry for myself, I also wait. I abide. I accept. Because I know there is no other recourse. Either accept or float in a pool of self pity. Eventually night falls, and bedtime arrives. I have burned so much energy letting these feelings absorb my all, I am tired. I go to bed, seethe a few more minutes, and eventually fall asleep.

If it is a special night I meet with all of them, or my guide, and and we talk and laugh about how I feel. If is a normal night, I sleep a hard sleep, and the morning comes. Along with the morning are new feelings, and new drives. Little by little as the morning flows, I am back to my normal self, and the world is a wonderful place, and didn’t I take a long ride on the pity train yesterday?

As much as I would like it to be, it is not all about me all the time. We spend an incredible amount of our lifetime playing parts in other peoples lives, and helping them learn what they need to know. Other people do the same for us, and sometimes they find pain in the pausing of a relationship too.

Better perhaps is a thought from, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. If I remember correctly, “The more it hurts, the more important they were to us…”

And life goes on

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Christmas is a chance for change

There is a Christmas saying that I believe says a lot more than the few words than it is made of. For many of us Christmas has turned into a time of trial and tribulation. Stretching budgets to the bursting point and taking on bills for presents we have to struggle to pay off. A little farther down the slide, is the ugly truth that anything other than the basic day to day needs is out of the question for some of us. For the unfortunate among us, there will be no presents bought, wrapped or given out.

The six word saying I am so fond of this time of year helps to remind me that Christmas and its sister holiday, New Years is about something different than how many presents you bought, wrapped and gave out and what parties you attended. I am reminded of the subtle nature of Christmas and New Years. I like to believe the saying brings myself and others who have said it to me to the basics of these holidays.

“Remember the reason for the season.” These six little words are a succinct sentence that packs more thought and meaning into a few words than opening up a hundred packages of all our favorite things. Whenever I hear this quaint phrase said, or say it myself, I am taking a journey back to the roots of Christmas and New Years.

A celebration of new beginnings and new hopes is where this saying takes me. When I was a child it did not mean much when I heard it. When someone said it, it felt more like a flip compensation for not buying presents. For some that is exactly what it was or is, yet for others, they are celebrating the season and giving a reminder all at one time.

They are reminding me, that it is not the number or value of presents I receive that matters, it is not even whether I celebrate Christmas or not, or whether the New Years is the best New years ever. They are reminding me to celebrate and rmember that our life is not stagnant and there are always new and exciting times to come.

When they say it, they remind me to think like a child, to find wonder and joy in my world. Even when my world does not seem to wonderful or joyous at the moment.

I was thinking about how lucky I am to be able to celebrate. How lucky we all are having a nice dinner, exchanging presents, or whatever we choose to do. How lucky I am that we were not in a war zone.

Remember the reason for the season, it’s not about presents. Rather it is about people like you and I, and those we care for, and those who care about us.

Enjoy your holidays in whatever circumstance you find yourself. There are only so many in your future and not one of them will be the same as this one. Remember the reason…

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The little things make a difference

When I was about eight years old I was ran over by a car – actually having a large ‘N’ of tire tread scabs on my back from my lower left to my upper right shoulder. I only had some bruises as a result. This happened in the sixties when cars were large and heavy.

In my rather short career as a sailor I had bets placed on my life in South Chicago as to whether I would make it back to the boat alive. Once there was a bet on whether I would survive one eight hour night on a dock in Ohio without being stabbed and robbed while I worked.

I survived not drowning on the Edmund Fitzgerald because I made a rash decision not to go winter sailing because a friend was not going. I once had a disagreement with some gang members and had a pistol stuck in my face a year or so later. I swore I could have walked down the barrel of the pistol with my arms outspread and not touched either side of the barrel.

There were the inevitable Friday or Saturday nights out on the town, when some redneck did not like long hair, wild ways, clothes, or something else about me…and wanted to fight me.

Those are just highlights of some almost times when my earthly existence could have ended. Because of my good fortune I started to believe I was here for something special. I was going to accomplish something very big. I had no idea what it was, but I knew it was going to happen.

If that big event ever happened, I missed it…. As far as I know that big thing never happened. Life went on, and of course both myself and the world slowly changed. Whatever my big moment was I either never showed up, or it came and went, and I never noticed.

Something did happen, and it took a long time before I was aware of it happening, but happen it did. One way or another circumstances created situations where I did something good for someone. It was never any big event that took place. Being at the right place at the right time with a willingness to listen, or simply being there – giving someone a chance to talk and change their mind. Things as simple lending or giving someone a few dollars when they were broke. Sharing a different perspective on what looked like a desperate situation. I found myself adding my (tongue in cheek here) sage advice when an important decision was made.

I imagine about now you are thinking this is a pretty self centered focused post on me. I would if I were reading it for the first time. What it is really about is what I never noticed during those years. What I never noticed were those people who appeared in my life and gave me a nudge changing my life course ever so slightly.

Without allowing people help me, I would probably still be angry at the world, standing on wayside, waiting for the world to conform to me. I would be living my life trying to overcome one problem at a time. I would ponder where the wonder was to my life, and what purpose I had in being here.

I have learned over the years, is that changing the world rarely happens with a bold sweep of the painters brush on the canvas of the world. Rather changing the world happens by changing the hues in the life of one or maybe a few people at a time. Over a lifetime I think we will discover that all those little things that seemed so innocent have in fact changed the world in ways we can never imagine.

I bet you are one of those people? Maybe you never entered my life and said or did something that changed the course of my life forever, but I bet you entered someone’s life? Because I know you are one of these people, I want you to take some time today and acknowledge yourself for the good you have done. Also while you are reminding yourself of the good you have done, think about the changes in the world you still have to make.

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Feed your pets for less

When I was in my early teens, times were pretty tough in my family. Neither of my folks were able to work full time for different reasons. At that time we owned two large dogs, one German Sheppard, and one Lab cross. They ate a lot of food and there was not a lot of extra money to buy food for them. It was getting financially close to having to find homes for them.

I helped feed our dogs for a couple of years on rough fish. We were fortunate as we had a stream close by that was over run with rough fish. The fish were mostly suckers, and chubs, but there were a lot of them. In the summer months I would go down to the stream every couple of days and fill a bread bag or two with fish.

When I caught enough fish, I took them home and put them in a coffee can or two on the stove. I then added water and brought them to a slow boil. I would boil the mixture until the fish had fallen apart, and all that was left was a fish stew of sorts.

Once the soupy fish stock cooled down enough the dogs had a banquet they would gulp down rather quickly. In the fall and winter, there were small animals that could be hunted that the dogs could eat. Usually animals that were considered pest animals were easy to find. Of course the occasional rabbit may have fallen into the mix.

There were never enough fish or small animals that the dogs could live off of what I provided, but between what I caught or scrounged up, and the scraps and dog food they were given, they did not know things were tough in the house. They may have not been as full as they would have liked, but we managed to keep them through the hard times.

If you are fortunate enough to live near a body of fresh water, odds are that it has an abundance of rough fish. Generally Carp are everywhere, but sometimes there are other rough fish that you can catch an almost unlimited supply of. Of course there is always the possibility that you will catch a fish you would like to eat too.

It is hard to pretend that these are the good times, and I read or hear daily of another family forced to part with their pets. If you have a river or lake close by, and are willing to spend some spare time fishing, you can feed your pets for free, or at least spend less for their food. You do not need to invest a lot of money, and one day of fishing a week may keep your dog or cat in food for a long time, saving you money in the process. Food for thought any way, no pun intended, smile….

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I miss you today

Well hello, how are you today?

I was thinking about the role you had in my life, and what I remember.

I remember when you spanked me for crapping in my pants after I was potty trained. I really was, but other things were so much more exciting than stopping the explorations to use the bathroom the correct way. It was less distracting just to let it go in my pants.

I also remember the T-Man. You used to buy me little rings with whistles, or bells on them. Sometimes I would be wearing two or three. They never seemed to last though. I always lost them quickly, or maybe they broke.

I also remember always asking for bacon spaghetti, and you would make it for me. It was not until a few years ago that I learned how much you disliked making, let alone eating it.

Do you remember how you always had a gallon of vanilla ice cream in the freezer? You would give me some almost every day. Once when you had whipped cream in the refrigerator, you let me have a whole bowl of that.

Then there was the time you caught me playing with matches in your bedroom. You scared me so bad threatening to do what I would have done if you had not found me, that it was many years before I ever touched a match again.

I remember when you would take me along when you went to the Deer shack to bring food and beer to the men. I always felt important being able to go too. After you had a five or six cold beers, you would drive us back home. Those thirty miles or so were always so funny! Ending up who knows where, or missing a turn and sliding into the ditch. I know now how dangerous it really was, but back then it was a lot of fun for an eight year old.

Remember the marble game and camping? When you woke me up at one in the morning, telling me if I got up so you adults could use the table, you would play the marble game all day with me tomorrow? I was so tired, I never got up, but you kept trying.

Then there was the camping trip in the cabin. You went outside to go pee, and we heard you saying, “Xxxx stop it! Xxxxx, that is not a bit funny!” What I thought was funny was when all the adults looked at Xxxx who was sitting in the cabin with us. When he shined a flashlight outside, there was a black bear sniffing your rump!

Maybe it was the same trip I stepped over the little railing alongside a cliff, and stood right next to the edge. The three of you begged me to come back to the rail. I laughed and stayed where I was. I don’t remember how long I played that game, but I know now how terrified you three were that I was going to fall off the cliff.

You also left your house unlocked so I could go over anytime I wanted and make a sandwich to eat. All you ever asked was I leave a note telling you I had been there. You listened to my frustrations and complaining during my teenage years without passing judgment on me, even when you disagreed.

There are many more things I remember. I wish I could tell you, and we could laugh at them over a beer or four. Maybe even while eating pizza from at the pizza shop. Those days are gone forever though, and this is as close as I will ever again come to us laughing over a beer, and me remembering that part of my life you had a role in.

Life goes on, and that is the way it is. I sure miss you though…..

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