I was pulling into a parking place at a fast food place for a cup of coffee when I observed three young boys ride up on their bicycles. They only had one bicycle lock, and there was no convenient bike rack to place their bicycles in. I watched as one boy stood by the bicycles, and the other two walked around the front of the building looking for a secure place to lock their bicycles to. The two boys walked back to the boy guarding the bicycles and they had a short discussion of how and where they were going to lock up their three bicycles with one lock as I opened the door and walked inside.
I asked for, received, and paid for my coffee, and walked to a small table in the corner. The boys walked through the entrance, and the boy who appeared to be the oldest walked up to the counter where he was asked by the person running the counter if she could help him.
“Do you still have one dollar drinks?
“Yes, any size drink for one dollar.”
“I would like a large soda and three straws.”
Noticeable lack of manners on the boy’s end of the conversation, but that is another post. The boy was given his large soda cup and three straws. He paid his money and joined his friends at a booth to share their drink.
For about thirty seconds all was well with the boys. Suddenly one boy says loudly that he does not want any more of the soda because one of the other boys spit in it. Of course it was denied by both of them, and the accuser reaffirmed his accusation of spitting in the shared soda cup along with a name and pointed finger.
The questionably guilty boy stated he was not spitting into the soda. He was blowing bubbles, as he always did with his soda. The third boy sided with the accuser, stating how that is wrong to do that when they all three were sharing a soda. He finished saying he did not want any more soda either, pushing the cup to the bubble blower.
Both offended and defensive, the accused bubble blower did not know what to do. He had a whole soda to himself, but his friends were angry with him. They were telling him how they spent their money on a drink for all of them, and he ruined it by blowing bubbles into the soda and getting spit in the soda. The guilty boy, not being able to think of a way out of the dilemma, stood up and walked to the soda machine where he poured out the soda, and threw the cup away.
While this may be a short story of a small event concerning three young boys sharing a soda, there are valuable pointers and tips that may be gleaned from this situation.
 The boys had a plan which was mostly successful. They applied previously tested and beneficial problem solving techniques to their small group. The boys had learned to cooperate getting to the fast food place, which was over one-half mile from the closest housing, and across a busy six lane street, which is at times no small feat in itself.
The boys had cooperated pooling their change to buy a shared soda. Arriving at the restaurant, the boys used sound teamwork techniques in finding a spot on the building where their bicycles could all be locked together. They behaved as expected once inside, with two of the boys going to a booth, while the third ordered their drink. They each had their own straw to drink from.
Up to this moment the boys were working as a team. They probably have been in each others company long enough they knew what to do without thinking about it. Each knew his role and each of them perhaps was pliable enough to exchange leadership roles and direct activities as needed.
Where their plan unravelled was in the actual drinking of the soda. The soda was the ultimate prize. All their planning, working together, and coordination was accomplished for this single goal of having a cold drink on a hot day for as little money as possible.
What the boys failed to plan for was how they would enjoy their soda jointly. Their planning and teamwork fell apart at this moment. They had not previously discussed their expectations of each others drinking habits before buying the soda. Each of them thought the other two would drink in a manner they all would find acceptable. As a result, their plan was not accomplished and they all lost something in the process.
Often we find ourselves in the same situations in our own life. We each have goals or end points of some type we are always working towards, wether business or personal. We flesh out our plans and start putting them into action. We make small adjustments and tweaks as we go. If we planned well enough, and we enjoy a little good fortune we arrive at our goal. Now what?
People who have achieved a long range goal, and then lost it shortly thereafter are all around us, all we have to do is look. Couples marry, and between the husband and wife they are working three jobs to afford the things they want for their life. Then they separate because they have grown apart becoming strangers.
Successful business people who spent years building their business lose it over something that has nothing to do with running a business. Each week we may hear or read of someone wins a lottery or receives a substantial amount of money, only to wake up broke a few years later.
It is important to have a plan no matter how vague it may be. It is vital to have a plan that includes the end point in it. Whether the end point is sharing a soda, working towards a future, or building a business, it is as important to plan through the process of achieving the desired result as it is taking the first step of turning an idea into action.
Now that you are used to making comments on blogs and other articles you have read, share them with your friends. Speak to or email one or more of your ‘safe’ friends, and share the link to what you read and what you feel about it.
Emailing someone is safe, and sharing your opinion is only a little step from making comments somewhere where no one knows you, so it is also safe. You also want to keep reading and commenting on what you read at least once every day. Reading and commenting is the foundation stone of your process of overcoming shyness. You may want to slip back to where you are most comfortable because it is easy, but do not allow yourself to do this, keep moving forward.
You should be doing two things every day now, reading and commenting. Reading something on the web, commenting on it, and emailing your friends about what you read with a link, and how you feel about it.
Once you are comfortable doing this it is time add another step. This step is only a small step from commenting on posts and articles and emailing your friends about what you read still including a link. In fact it is a safe way of combining both tasks. Your next step is find forums you have an interest in and join them.
Forums are everywhere and most are easy to participate in. Some forum examples are Craigslist, which some feel is more of a zoo than a forum. Other possibilities are forums on computers, gardening, hiking, bicycling, personal development, the list in endless. Both Yahoo, and Google have groups you can become a member of on hundreds of subjects.
All you have to do is sign up and start participating. Groups are a great next step because you are a little less anonymous yet you are still largely unknown by anyone other than comments and thoughts you contribute to the forum.
While you are participating in your group, do not let your commenting on what you read on the web and sharing it with friends fall to the wayside. You need to keep at it until it becomes habit and you do not even have to think about it any more.
If you have done these things faithfully for a month or so, they should be pretty much ingrained in you by now, and you can proceed to the next level. This marks a change from interacting on the web. You will be using your new found skills and abilities to interacting with real people in real time. For this step you will need to be a little adventurous and creative. Check out Craigslist, Yahoo, and search the web for groups that meet where you live that you have an interest in and can join and contribute.
Any group you join does not need to be something you have burning passion for, but it does need to be a group which you can enjoy and participate in. The value of moving your skills from the web to the world, is you are now starting to make the change in yourself with real live human beings. The time and effort you have put into the web have given you a new skill set you may have never used, or became rusty. Now being part of a group, you can talk, debate, contribute, or debate with some modicum of distance between you and those around you.
After you have spent enough time in a group environment where you have honed your skills, and you have accomplished what you set out to do. You are no longer shy, unless you choose to be and you now have good skills to talk to anyone about anything, anytime.
 Now you have experienced that worst that can happen face to face in a safe environment of the web. You have been disagreed with, argued with, ignored, and everything else people do when interacting with one another. You also have been agreed with, quoted, asked for your opinion, and started new conversations. You have been a part of most of the worst and most of the best of not being shy. The rest is up to you now. Good luck, and I hope you are happy with the changes you have made.
Stop Being Shy – Only If You Want To 1 of 2
If you are one of the many people who want to change yourself from someone who feels they are too shy to someone more outgoing I have a few ideas that may help you. Of course on the downside is you are the person who has to do the work. At first changing will be work that drains you emotionally, and perhaps physically. Once you get into the changing habit those feelings will go away. You will begin to notice not being shy is not so difficult after all.
You have to really want to quit being shy to be successful. It is almost the same as learning a new subject in school, or learning a new job. If you want to be successful, understand success comes from within, not from anything you can read, listen too or watch. If you really want to change from being what you feel is being to shy read on. Otherwise you may as well find something else to read, as the rest of this post will be of little help for you other than a few pointers you may never use.
As you are still reading, here is the first task you want to accomplish on your path from changing from being shy to being more outgoing. You need to to decide what the worst is that could happen from changing from being shy into being more outgoing. Sometimes we prefer to be shy because it is safer, easier, or less stressful. Your reasons for being shy may include these reasons and more, and your reasons may be different.
No matter what your reasons are ensure you really understand what you are getting out of being shy. The reason for identifying the important reasons you choose to be shy are important. After thinking about yourself and what you get out of being shy, you may decide that you really are enjoying quite a few benefits from being shy. You may find that being shy is comfortable, and now that you really looked at it you no longer feel any need to be something else, and shyness fits you quite well after all.
 Think about all the reasons you want to not be so shy, and be more outgoing. Your reasons may be: you want to be more popular, you want to be noticed, you want to be able to talk to people. Spend as much time on this task as you did on your reasons for being shy. The purpose of these examinations of what you are getting and what you expect may cancel each other out. You may decide changing is more work than what you think will change.
I am going to proceed on the idea that after you have compared yourself now against you in the future, you decided you really want to change into someone more outgoing. I have one last task that you have to complete before you start on the process of changing yourself, sort of a sanity check to ensure you are making a good choice. I mention this because like all change this process takes a lot of time and effort on your part.
This last task is you need to define what is the worst that happen if you stay shy as you are. I am sure you are the perfect you right now, though you feel you can improve on you, and make yourself better. Next think about the worst that can happen if you quit being shy and expose more of yourself to the world around you. What is the worst that can come of not being shy?
Now, we are on to the actual process itself. The first step in moving away from shyness is like swimming in cold water. Taking little steps until you are sure you are ready to jump in and get it over with. While it seems simple to just make the change all at once, it is not the best way because too many things will have changed too fast, and that will take you way out of your comfort zone. Get too far out of your comfort zone and you will not want to stay there. We will be taking small steps instead.
For different reasons we all at one point or another find our lives crumbling around us. What we do or do not when our life starts to crumble makes a huge difference on how fast we bounce back from our life falling apart. Sometimes we should react quickly, other times we should barely react at all.
Some of us spend a lot of energy trying to patch our lives back together and try to make it what it was before. Others feel relief at their lives falling apart and good riddance to their old life. Most of us rarely try to manage the transition our lives are go through from one state to the other.
As we live, our life is always in a state of transition. If you have small children it may seem your day to day life is one of juggling events and activities and trying to find time for yourself in the process. If you do not have children in your life, your days may filled with different activities that require your attention. Some of us fill our lives with drama, others strive for peace and quiet. Rarely though do our lives remain the same over time.
How we manage our day to day affairs makes a big difference in how we manage when our lives are starting to fall apart. If we manage through emotion then emotional ups and downs are the norm. If we manage life with some end point in mind, all our decisions are made with that final goal in mind, and the transition to a new life is generally much smoother and stress free.
Too many of us spend enormous amounts of energy trying to keep our lives what they were before our life started falling apart. Most of us do not want anything in our life to change and we struggle to keep things the same. While our intentions are the best, the only real thing we can manage is ourselves and how we choose to act during a life transition.
 Occasionally we are blindsided. We come home one day to find our marriage is no more. Our home has burned down, or someone very close to us that we depend on has passed on. Events such as these are very high on the life changing scale, and are not every day situations. When these events happen, we should not let them destroy us.
Upon the knowing of what is our new reality, what we need to do first is make only those decisions that absolutely need to be made. They are not decisions we wish to make, but they have to be made. Usually we find we will be making decisions based on very little life experience. When this happens these crucial and critical decisions have to be made all the same. Gather up whatever information is available and make the best possible decision that can be made while trying to keep emotion out of the process.
Once those crucial few decisions that can not be put off are made, stop and take inventory of your life. As difficult as it may be, place your emotions aside as much as possible and take inventory of the situation. Look for strengths which can be called upon, what assets are available, and what the long term desired outcome is.
Though it my be difficult to not do, lesser decisions should only be made with an end state or end point in mind. Determine a future time, whether it be a month, six months or a year. Decide what life should be at that point. Use that decision as a basis of all more minor decisions.
Each decision will bring one closer or farther from a desired future state. Making more decisions that move towards that desired state rather than away from it, makes getting there a lot easier. Life altering changes changes can be difficult. Making life sized Decisions without thinking about the results will only make ones life more difficult than it has to be.
If ever, or perhaps when your life starts to crumble around you, follow these three simple steps.
- Decide what you want your life to be in six months to a year
- Make decisions to help you move your life in that direction
- Do not be afraid of accepting challenges along the way
Change is hard, and challenges are part of life. Both can be made easier with a goal in mind for where you want your life to be in the future.
Do you want to learn to meditate? Have you heard good things about meditation, yet you do not know anyone who actually meditates? If you want to learn how to meditate you have found a good starting point. There are classes, books, and videos out there you can read, rent, or buy, but reading this article and some practice on your own, and you will know almost everything you need to know to meditate.
- You have to be in the right mindset to meditate and get anything out of it. This means, don’t be anxious, concerned, nervous, or distracted, or meditation will not be as fruitful as it could be.
- You should be fairly rested. If you are overly tired meditation is hard to accomplish.
- Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed by people, pets, or outside noises. You generally need fifteen to twenty minutes, though perhaps a longer period is better at first because it will take you longer to learn to become comfortable and relax.
- Sit down or lay down in a comfortable position. You want to learn what meditation feels like, not struggle with your body’s comfort. Light or darkness does not really matter all that much as you will have your eyes closed. The exception is you do not want light so bright it is distracting even with your eyes closed, or darkness if you find it distracting.
- Get comfortable and relax. Check all your body parts, asking each body if it is comfortable and relaxed. This sounds silly, but it is very important because you need to be aware of your body. You body has a voices or voices, and meditation will help you to hear them.
- Have patience. It takes time to learn how to meditate because you are not used to doing nothing. Be still, stop thinking, and let your mind be still.
- Pretend your mind is a blackboard in a school room. All thoughts you have will be written on the blackboard, or expressed in simple pictures anyone could draw. When a thought or picture is being written on the blackboard, erase it with your mind.
Do not set your expectations very high for the first month or so. You may only manage a few seconds of having your mind quiet. This is the norm, so do not expect more at first. Each time you practice, it will become a little easier to relax and let your mind relax too. Sometimes you may fall asleep, that is okay, it is all part of the learning process. For some it is also a balancing act.
Some people also become frustrated because they feel they are almost there, and then they are startled awake. This happens sometimes, but with more practice, most people can move past this roadblock.
As you become better at relaxing your body and your mind, you will start to enjoy the fun. Your mind will start to take you places, sometimes physical, sometimes not. Relax and enjoy the wandering. Your mind is working on solutions for things you may not even be aware of in your life.
As time goes and you get better at meditating, you may start to hear voices. Pay attention to them. If there are multiple voices, try to separate the different voices. If you hear a single voice, try to understand the words. Sometimes the words are nonsense. Sometimes careful listening will have its rewards. Different people have different ideas about who and what the voices are. For me they are external, and belong to separate complete beings. For others they are parts of themselves.
In a very, very few people, suddenly, and without warning you may find yourself somewhere you have never been before, with someone or something standing in front of you whom you have never seen before. Try not to be startled, and don’t get scared, it is perfectly natural. Remember to breath in and out and do not be afraid to speak to them.
They will understand you when you speak, and they will talk to you. Treat them like you would a stranger, be polite, but not too casual. They usually want to be your friend, and most of them want to help you, but a very few do not. Do not judge them by their looks, as they can look like anything they choose to.
Almost always they wish to help you. Listen to what they have to say. They are usually a literal book of knowledge, and know things you do not know that will help you. You may, if you are lucky, find you have been interacting with them for some time and were not aware of it until now.
For others you find you do not approve of, or you do not like what they have to say about you, or suggest to you, be aggressive. If you do not like what they say, or it sounds harmful to you, tell them to go away and mean it. They will leave.
The younger you are the more difficult this is in the beginning. I think this is because young people have so much uncontrolled energy, they spew it all over the universe without even realizing what they are doing. As you are serious, and if you continue to practice, you will be there before you know it. Good luck!
 Frustrating days are long hard days. Starting with the alarm clock, and ending with a groan or moan hoping to sleep, trying to forget how bad today was. We all have these days, no one is excluded. Some of us however seem to have more of them than the rest of us do. For an unfortunate few, it is their lot that they have more bad days than good. For most of us fortunately, more than the occasional bad day is our own fault, and not the world plotting against us.
We live our life with a certain level of expectation. Personal boundaries are set by those expectations. Some of those boundaries we aren’t even aware we are setting. Our normal response to any situation is what our preset expectation is.
Pretend you have to be somewhere over ten miles away between seven and nine o’clock in the morning. how do do you feel about it? Do you feel apprehensive, do you feel frustration and mild anger start to simmer at the thought?
Unless it is the second day of a three day national holiday, there will always be a lot of people trying to get somewhere the same time you are. Set your boundaries aside, accept this as normal knowing everyone else feels the same frustrations, and be done with it.
Challenge those boundaries you have set in your life. Most of our boundaries are self imposed. We set up conditions, and fence in our life with our expectations. Our expectations play out every day day, which further reinforces our expectations. A self fulfilling loop is created in which many of us live.
Changing too much at one time is a sure fire way to have your fears come true. Changing too much and failing makes it easy to fall back into the same old patterns. Why try to change your whole world in one fell swoop? Pick one difficult moment of your day, and choose to approach that moment differently.
Think about one event in your day you want to change for the better. Smile while thinking about the moment. Smiling helps you feel and think differently. Even if your smile feels false, keep smiling for a few seconds – while thinking about how to handle the event differently.
It may help if you sing a few words of a happy song while thinking. Occupying your brain with other things allows your thinking to change from your normal limited patterns. Let negativity go, and let some sunshine in. A few moments of smiling, singing while thinking will lead you to new ideas for old problems.
Doing this is no different than going on a long walk, sitting in a quiet place, or exercising. You are changing your focus while looking for an alternative way to make a moment more pleasant and positive.
After some time has passed, it may suddenly dawn on you that you haven’t had a bad day in weeks. In fact it might almost be disturbing wondering what is wrong because everything is going so well. What has really happened is you have developed new ways of looking at problems, and created new tools to make what used to be uncomfortable situations comfortable.
With practice, smiling, humming, or singing a happy song, or feeling happy thoughts while thinking about one problem in your day will help your mind start thinking about problems differently. You will find you are reaching out, moving your personal boundaries farther away from you instead of pulling them in around you. People around you will start to be different too. They will be happier because you are helping them while you help yourself. Share what you are doing with others, and get them involved too.
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The boys had a plan which was mostly successful. They applied previously tested and beneficial problem solving techniques to their small group. The boys had learned to cooperate getting to the fast food place, which was over one-half mile from the closest housing, and across a busy six lane street, which is at times no small feat in itself.
