Category Archives: thoughts

Marion Jones Basketball Star

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Congratulations Marion Jones, making the cut for the Women’s National Basketball Associations Team roster for the Tulsa Shock!

Marion Jones, the former Olympic sprinter is now the oldest rookie ever in the WNBA. I hope Marion Jones succeeds, and proves to be a long awaited inspiration for young women the world over who I believe she is.

Sometimes to get to where we should be, we have to go through any number of trials and tribulations. In some cases these challenges prove to be almost too much for mere mortals. For those that survive their downfall, a new opportunity arises. I hope this is that opportunity for Marion Jones.

For all of us, life throws choices in our lives that we are not prepared for. Sometimes our choices, no matter how sincere and well meaning at the time, go awry and we are left with tiny pieces of what was our life dream. It is not an easy matter to pull yourself up, put your life back together, and start out from the beginning in yet another quest to finish the journey long ago started.

The world needs role models, and unfortunately not all role models are perfect in all areas of their lives. Most role models are merely human. A few role models have made  grave mistakes in their lives. Others have made mistakes which in the end have only hurt themselves. Some have done both. Not all survive their downfall, get their life back together, and begin to create their destiny one more time.

I think I have been one of the few who have thought even in the face of strong adversity, and a few less than stellar life choices, Marion Jones will someday show her real self and become all she was meant to be. I hope this is the start of what I hope will be true.

Good luck Marion Jones, I am cheering for you!

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Raising Your Parents – For Oppressed Teens

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Believe it or not, many children feel they have over protective parents. They feel their Parents are unreasonable in approving requests from their children. While it may be common for Parents with all their children, it seems from my experience to be most common with the oldest or only child. It also starts becoming an issue from the Pre-Teen to Young Adult.

I thought this would help a teenager understand why their parents are acting the way they do. It may also help Parents who have been ‘accused’ by their children of being too protective for something the child feels is an age appropriate activity.

To understand you have to start thinking about when your parents were younger, before you came along. Your Parents inherited certain behaviors from their parents. Right or wrong was how their parents raised them. Some of those practices they modified or disposed of reasons only your Parents know.

Your parents also have their own personalities effecting their parenting style and ability. If your Parents are quiet stay at home types, and you like loud clothes, being around strange people, and trying new things, the way your parents and you think will be pretty different. The closer you are to your Parents personalities the less of a difference there is between you.

Other parental behaviors your parents use or adapted are because they are effective. Their behavior or actions may not seem reasonable, but they work and make the job of parenting easier for your Parents.

Because your Parents had you, and maybe other brothers or sisters too, something happens in the life of your Parents that you never notice. Your Parents at some point in their lives stopped growing and living for themselves.

Instead your Parents became Parents, and all their energies and actions have been mostly diverted to you and your siblings, if you have any. This is a very important thought to keep in mind.

From the time you were born to now, your Parents have been your Parents and you have been the child. Even though you are growing up, your Parents either do not notice, or choose not to notice.

What happens to Parents as their children grow up is hard on them. From the time you were born until now, your folks never thought about the fact they are getting older. They never thought about life without you in it twenty-four-seven. They never thought about what happens when you to leave home to start your own life away from them. All these thoughts and hundreds of other thoughts just like them are thoughts are flooding into your parents minds right now.

Your Parents have been used to you being right next to them, where they can protect you and keep you form harm. Now, suddenly you want to do things that happen out of their sight, and by default out of their control. This is very scary for your folks because they can’t be their to help you if you need them.

Added to this is your world is changing and becoming larger and more complex. Your body is changing. Your likes and dislikes are starting to become your own, and what you think is evolving. This too is scary for your Parents because they know you no longer share everything with them. They hope you are doing the right things, but they are concerned you may be hanging around with others who do not do the right things. They get scared about this.

Here is a short but long list of what your Parents are thinking and feeling. From your Parent’s perspective it only scratches the surface of their concerns and fears:

You are still your Parents little boy, or little girl with emphasis on the word little

You are growing up

They are growing older

In a few years you will be moving out of the house

You are starting to keep secrets

You are spending time doing things your parents can not see or control

Your Parents are facing the fact they are close to middle age and that means much closer to getting old

Your Parents are afraid of their life without you in it as have been since you were born

Your Parents are worried for your and their future, because they both are unknown, and can only be guessed at

Your Parents are scared they will lose you

If you can understand your Parents concerns and fears, it may help all of you get through the next few years easier than if both they and you pretend none of these things is happening. For your part, these are valid concerns or fears of your Parents, and under no circumstances should you use them as weapons to hurt your Parents.

What you can do is work on gaining your Parents trust. You do this by becoming responsible, and taking care of your obligations. This means doing your chores if you have any. Helping without being asked, and being grateful for what you do have. Those are lofty goals to ask of you, but that is what most Parents want from their teenage children.

Above all, when something does not go as planned, and it surly will, remember it is your Parents concern for you, combined with their fear that created the situation. Knowing this will not change it, but hopefully it will help you to understand why it happens.

Good luck raising your Parents, the first real parenting task you have to do. Hopefully you will do it well.

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Plugged in and Separated

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‘The Offspring’ with their song, “Keep ‘em Separated”, has a much deeper meaning than they may have realized when they wrote it.

One of the most searched for posts on my blog is by people who for one reason or another find themselves on the outside of their life looking in. I am guessing the reasons are as varied as the people themselves, this feeling of being lost in our life is something we share in numbers unheard of before the electronic world arrived.

I have heard the newest generation of young adults being called the, “Plugged In Generation”. Plugged into what exactly, is what I wonder when I strike up a conversation with one as we are both sitting around waiting for something. They all seem to have cell phones which double as high tech pagers, and triple as portable computers albeit with software directed towards being even more connected.

I open a conversation with a general observation, perhaps followed by another observation. Some people reply back, others pretend they did not hear me, or think I am talking to someone else even though we are the only two people present. Their conversation is stuttered, not in their speech but in managing to put together a reply that is more than the length of a quick text message.

Within a few minutes they go back to being engrossed in their cell phones, either hoping someone will text them, or texting someone with some witty overused string of words. To me they look lonely and lost. They appear to be missing some basic ideas that I always took for granted. Things like growing up in a household where there was real conversation, and not life scheduling. Family time where everyone did something together, even if that something was eating hot dogs and chips in the back yard together with no interruption.

Many people are finding themselves isolated through technology. If they are the ‘Plugged In Generation’, what exactly are they plugged into? Parents whose interaction with them is via text messaging? Friends who post inane messages on their social web site accounts, siblings who prefer the aloofness of electronic strangers, rather than the company of family members.

Living a socially satisfying life not created by electronic media is sometimes awkward. Conversations do not go as planned. Questions and answers are not crafted, drafted, and polished. Sometimes questions and answers are about two different perspectives of the same situation.

The world of the plugged in does not have to deal with these awkward moments, testy conversation, or uncomfortable moments. Everyone is their best friend, and their Parents monitor them from a distance.

The downside is their is no flesh and blood anyone to talk with, no Parent to spend time with, and no unscripted conversations.

With all this going on, it is no surprise so many people feel lost in their own lives. Look around at the artificial world we live in. Food is crafted to taste good with enough variety one rarely has to eat anything that is not the favorite food of the week. Music, and other electronic entertainment have evolved to a point where one never need listen or hear anything they do not wish to.

For all the benefit of being a part of the plugged in generation, the searches relating to being lost in life is no surprise. I understand some of what is missing in peoples lives these days. I think it was really brought to light for me when I met Helen, who I wrote about a few posts previous. Helen whose idea of ‘plugged i’n is over the air television, told me on afternoon how nice it was to find someone she could talk to about things important in her life.

It would be wonderful if each time my blog was searched by someone feeling lost in their life, I could pick up a phone, drive a car, take a flight and speak with them. One human being talking with another about the feeling of being a stranger in your own life and how to fix it. Instead I write a some words with the sincere hope that the someone on the other end, reads my words and gets enough out of my post to help them find meaning in their life. Along with making a difference in the lives of their family, friends, and better their community along the way. Instead all I can do is write. We are human beings, not advertising machines whose life is crafted funny replies to unimportant questions.

Talk face to face with your family and friends. Listen to different types of music. When you are outside let your ears hear what is happening around you. Quit living in your head, and start living in the world around you. Doing these few things, you will probably find others who feel like you do, and make real friends, have real conversations, and have awkward moments. Along the way you will become part of your live again.

For the curious, check out the Categories section to the left, there are more posts on feeling alone and lost.

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Young Woman’s Small Resource

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It may seem kind of funny coming from a Man who was a teenager when the Viet Nam war was happening. I have some advice for young women. Having survived the male side of teenage life, growing into adulthood, and now talking about Grandkids, I may have a few thoughts you may want to take time to read. You may have heard it all before, but give me a few minutes anyway? You have a lot more time ahead of you than I do.

Somebody has to be something. You can decide what something is. Someone has to be everything you are thinking about. It does not matter who is what, or how you fit in. It is not important if you are not the prettiest, funniest, or best dressed. A few years from now these things won’t matter to you very much. The only thing that really matters is you like the young woman you see in the mirror.

You are in such a rush to look older. Companies are stealing from you. Helping you look ten, fifteen, possibly twenty years older than you are is theft. Take a minute or two and look at the older women shopping the same cosmetic aisles you are next time you are shopping. You know what older women want? They want to look like you without makeup! It is true, I guarantee it! A few of the women standing in the aisle with you have already wasted thousands of dollars trying to look as young as you. You will never look this young again, so don’t hide yourself with makeup you do not need. Perfect faces are for fantasies.

No matter what you do, you can only do so much with the body your parents gave you. Take care of your body by eating right, getting good exercise, plenty of sleep, and don’t worry about things you can not do anything about, which is about everything you worry about.

Most young men have two heads until they are in they reach their early thirties. Around thirty something, they start to think more often with the one their shoulders. No matter what a young man tells you, or how he makes you feel, he wants sex; and not a lot else from you. This is the way we men are made. We do not have deep emotions when we are young.

He will make you laugh, buy you trinkets, and spend time with you. All he really wants is sex. I imagine you do not believe this is true, especially if some young man is doing all the things for you I just mentioned. He will tell you this is not true. Which of his two heads do you think is thinking with?

I offer you a challenge if you do not believe me. Go to Walmart, or your favorite large discount store for an hour or so. Look for young women with small children in tow. As you find them, look at them closely. How are they dressed. Do they look happy? Look at their left hand and see if they are married. Most of those women believed what some young man told them because he made them feel good. He’s now long gone, and a dim memory.

It is hard to know what life will be for you. If you make good decisions, you have a better chance of it being a good life. You will find work you really want to do. You will have fun with your friends, do new things, go on dates, see new places, eat new foods. In general you will have fun.

Your life will slowly evolve. What other people think of you will become less important. You will start to learn about yourself. You will figure out you really are not feeling lonely for some guy. No man will complete you. You are feeling distanced from something you can’t define. If you a observant, you will notice others around you feel this way too. You will see it in them when they are not wearing their public face. Being married, having children, or having a serious relationship does not make this feeling go away for long.

Eventually when you are not paying attention, someone will slip up on you. You hopefully will fall in love, get married and start a family. If you married for reasons that go deeper than he has cute dimples, or he’s good in bed, your marriage has a chance of surviving more than a few years.

On the other hand, if you let your emotions run your life, and believe what young men are telling you, your life will be a little different. Go to Walmart again and look at the miserable, single, poor young women with children, trying to make ends meet on a Friday night at Walmart that you saw. Soon you will be one of them.

You want to make good choices based on reality, not emotions, what your friends are saying, or what some guy is telling you. You are my future, and I want your future to be one filled with happy adults who know what is important in their life. Happy adults have happy children. Happy children need all the help they can get, so they too make good decisions.

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Nobody Told Me!

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I didn’t know. Nobody told me. Do you ever hear these phrases? Ever hear yourself using them? Almost every time I hear them, they are used as a defensive response or a way to avoid responsibility. Nobody told me, I didn’t know.

When phrases like these are uttered, someone is generally given a free one time use pass. They are forgiven or excused for not knowing. Used more than once in a while, the utterer is not well thought of.

For a few people, these phrases and others like them, are over used excuses. While exceptions occur, exceptions should be the exception and not the rule.

What is your common response when asked why you are or are not doing something? Are you one of the few, guilty of uttering not being told, or not knowing? Do you find yourself uttering these phrases a little too often?

Not knowing, is a sign or symptom of more going in the background than the few words each phrase contains. No one told me, for example, has hidden meanings other than the obvious one. No matter where you work, no one has a job to make sure you know what you need to know after you are trained.

When something changes in your workplace, some form of communication is used telling you what has changed. If you hear yourself using these phrases more than once in a long while, below are some ideas you can use to ensure you rarely utter them again, if ever.

The key to knowing is to be proactive. Being proactive is a very effective tool you can use in your work and personal life. Being proactive, you always learn or know about changes that are important to you.

One of the best ways to be proactive is to pay attention. Some way, somehow in your place of work, there is a system in place of how information is passed on. Learn how important information is passed on.

Find out if  your company uses email, a bulletin board, a formal shift meeting, or the person you relieve is supposed to tell you. Make your first job of the day reading, listening,or asking about: “What is going on, anything new today?”

Asking a simple question like this and actively listening to the answer will save you from ever uttering a hollow excuse again. Once you get used to reading, and asking questions, you will know what you need to know. You will know about any changes, and you will look sharp, and become more valuable at work.

Occasionally something changes and you really had no way of knowing. Instead of reaching for a new way of saying you did not know, or were not told, you can use a much more powerful tool.

You can say: I read, listened to, or checked for changes, and there was nothing posted, sent, or mentioned. I asked ‘somebody’ who I took over from, and they did not mention any changes.

If the power of response escapes you, go back and read the first paragraph of this post and compare the two responses. Which reply would you rather give, and which reply would you rather hear? There is a lot of power in words used correctly.

If you are new on the job, and you truly did not know, be honest about it. Follow up honestly with a good question. “I was not aware of this, how and where do I find out about these changes?” Phrasing your reply like this, you will be way ahead of others, who automatically fall back on those old, worn out, ‘I didn’t know’ type phrases.

Now you know how to be on top of your job and your life, you can identify how important information is not being passed on to you. If you find that there is no formal way information is passed on, suggest a way! Using your new proactive way of being, suggest a new or better way of passing on information or changes. Think of a method that is easy and everyone see, hear, or read and let someone know in a professional manner, who can make it happen. It may get you a raise!

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Using The Art Of Friendship

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If you have taken any business classes, work for a corporation, or enjoy strategy games, you probably have heard of Sun Tzu. This little treatise of approximately sixty-two-hundred characters has been studied, taught in war college, business classes for many centuries.

Sun Tzu’s writing is a good asset for business because it lays a foundation a business can follow to thrive and survive in their appropriate market(s). Sun Tzu’s, “Art Of War” provides a focusing lense leading to success for any size business. It has been said that Sun Tzu and Niccolò Machiavelli are all the only business partners one needs for business success.

Unfortunately these business partners have found themselves being used in areas where they are ineffective and self defeating. In arenas of friendship and cooperative work towards a common goal, Sun Tzu and Machiavelli ruin more friendships and joint efforts than they help.

Some people in todays overly competitive society have discarded appropriate and accepted forms of personal interaction and instead create for themselves a world of thinly disguised guerilla warfare and subterfuge.

Competition holds a valid place in business. Healthy competition between areas of a business helps competing groups reach a higher level than would be possible without competition. Competition among employees in the same work group, where some are waging war against their coworkers to promote themselves is destructive for the group and the parent company.

Utilizing Sun Tzu and Machiavelli for whole life management is not only destructive, it is dangerous. It destroys friendships, relationships, and families, leaving one isolated and alone. Family life and friendships are just that. Friendship and family life is a place where one can go to leaving the outside world behind.

Life is a series of battles and struggle, but as with an army, there has to be a place where one can go and relax and recuperate. A place where one can be themselves without worrying beyond good manners about what is happening around them.

For anyone living a life comprised of total personal war and continuos competition I suggest a new direction. I propose, “The Art Of Friendship”. Create a life where the Art of Friendship can survive and thrive makes everyone more effective in other areas of their life.

The Art of Friendship is a way of dealing with people around you who share your interests, either business or personal and benefits everyone by making everyone more effective and prosperous. Instead of planning assassinations of coworkers or friends who’s interests are a little too close to our own, look for ways to work together and share in the glow of excellence instead of the the false glow of simply winning.

Allowing those around you to work jointly towards a common goal, is not only more personally satisfying, it is powerful. Instead of working as a single entity, having more people to work together towards the same goal increases the chance of success, and reduces failure from something not considered by an individual.

These days to many people see themselves as a lone warrior out battling the forces against them. What they are really doing is creating is a vacuum, where everything that could be accomplished with help can not be done because no one is willing to risk helping.

Same as a single stick being easily broken, whereas a tied bundle of sticks can not, working together in friendship and trust creates environments where everyone wins more than any individual can alone.

Business in many respects is a game of chess, consisting of moves and counter moves. Although chess is played by one individual competing against a second individual, the individual pieces on the chess board are acting as a team with a common goal. The complete team of chess pieces wins the chess match, not an individual chess piece. Try working with your coworkers and friends instead of trying to better them, and see what you can conquer as a complete functioning team, and not a single chess piece.

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