Category Archives: Wisdom

Biggest failure?

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I am back from my trip where I studied as if I were in college again. It was only a week at a vendor class, but I worked hard every minute I was there. By Thursday when I went to sleep a little after midnight with my alarm set for five, I remembered how it was in college. In college it was much easier, because at that time, a class was just a class it was not my career path and my future. I suppose I have had a paradigm change over the years. Each and every class was my future; I did not have the experience to understand at that time of my life. With some things I am a slow learner.

Everyone in the class with was responsible in their behavior both in and away from the training. I made a contrast comparison one evening while enjoying a Japanese style dinner, how it was when I was in the military and we were half way around the world. Some people who at home, were community pillars, and role models did a one hundred and eighty degree turn when they realized that what they did would never be discovered by their social circle back home. It was quite surprising to see how a few people really act when there is no direct consequence to their behavior. Similar to, ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ commercials.

The Olympics are going full steam and it is always amazing watching  talented dedicated athletes complete sets, or finish runs and swims in times that were thought impossible a few decades ago. When I watch the Olympics and think we have reached the pinnacle of what is possible for a human is shattered by the time the next Olympic meet. I remember when the four minute mile was shattered; it was thought to be a one time one person phenomenon.

It was thought that there would never be another boxer who could compete at the level Mohammad Ali had reached, nor a gymnast of Mary Lou Retton’s caliber, and never another swimmer like Mark Spitz. ‘Never say never’, is one constant I have learned. The ultimate moment people spent their whole life trying to achieve makes a new dream possible for hundreds, perhaps thousands of others who are struggling with the basics of their endeavors. Those struggling so hard have now raised their own personal expectations to the level those before them achieve with so much struggle, sweat, and tears.

I was watching CNN this morning, and one story caught my eye, and fired up my thinking. The presidential candidates, Senators McCain, and Obama were at a Q & A of a certain bent, and were answering identical questions. Senator McCain in response to a question stated that he saw the biggest failure of his life as his first failed marriage.

I really hope Senator McCain expanded on his answer more than the few seconds the news story gave it. Claiming a failed marriage is the biggest failure of ones life is selling oneself short in the value of all things. I would suggest that if Senator McCain really failed at his first marriage and did not learn a single thing from it, why is his current marriage a success? Without going into the obvious negative response to that question, I would suggest that Senator McCain learned more from his failed marriage than he learned in any and all relationships that preceded his failed marriage.

It may be a stretch to suggest that the Senator’s previous relationships were all failures too as he took something away from all previous relationships he had to arrive at the point where marriage was the next formal step. That being said, failing at a first marriage, the Senator gained (after a time of course) everything he needed to make a second marriage more successful.

Learning through failure is the biggest part of our emotional and spiritual life. If we never experience failure, we would never grow, and most of us would never discover those things we need to bring our life journey to a satisfying end. If we never experience a failure whether it is something as major as an Olympic event, failed relationship, or even a game during recess as a child, we have failed ourselves. The worst part of failure is never having tried in the first place.

I am sure all Athletes in this Olympic event, Senators McCain and Obama, and many others have learned at least as much from their failures as they have from their successes, if not more. We should never be afraid to fail. Failure is one of the greatest opportunities we have in our lifetime to learn and grow. If you observe the statistics of any successful individual from the world of any chosen field, if their rate of success is not at least matched by their rate of failure, they have not challenged themselves to their full potential, and have cheated themselves of possibilities that never came to fruition.

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Melanie Roach, role model

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The surprising Beijing Olympian, thirty-three year old American woman weight lifter Melanie Roach (check out her video) was interviewed on one of the morning television talk shows this week. She was very impressive, not just for her Beijing Olympic weight lifting journey, but in having such a wonderful outlook of all other areas of her life. Melanie Roach uses her learnings and life skills to keep her life in balance.

Melanie Roach told a story that caught my attention over and above the highlighted Olympic Athlete portion of her very full life. It was very affirming for me, and honestly more of an earth shaking moment than Melanie Roach conveyed in the few seconds she had in front of the camera.

Melanie Roach related than when she learned her son has autism, that she went to see her Pastor. Melanie Roach told her Pastor that having a son with autism was not something that she thought she had signed up for [in her life]. The Pastor who is obviously very wise countered that Melanie Roach was getting exactly what she signed up for.

Melanie Roach is now making a very sweet lemonade of this opportunity once she understood this was something she needed in her life, and said that her son and his illness has enriched and fulfilled her in ways she had never imagined. My best wishes for Melanie Roach, and her Olympic trials. No matter what the outcome, Melanie Roach has vibrant full life, and the Olympic trials will be another gilded page in her scrap book of life.

What struck me about Melanie Roach sharing her simple story is the Pastor’s insight on what life is all really all about. Our individual life is not always about having one fantastic day after another. Our life is not even about having one fantastic weekend after a long hard work week. The Pastor understands this, and also knows that we never have anything occur in our life that is not perfect for us, and that we are not ready for.

Trails and tribulations in our life, no matter what form they take are in our life because we asked for them. When we asked for problems in our life, is a point of debate on when and how it happens, but the Pastor is correct, what happens in our life happens for a reason. Nothing in our life happens just because.

When any situation happens to us, no matter how terrible, it is not something outside of our control, brought into our lives from what appears to be an outside influence. When bad things happen in our lives it is because we need them to. We need to experience, what it is like waking each day and seeing no resolve to our situation. It does not matter if it is loneliness, loss of a job, family member, friend, or even our own impending death, we need whatever it is in our life. We need those unpleasant situations happening in our life at that exact moment.

As a friend and I were talking about breaking addictions, he told me, “there is no good time”. He is right, there is no good time, but the time when something bad happens in our life, is the perfect time, and the perfect situation for us.

When something bad happens, do not approach it as yet another obstacle to be overcome, or suffered through. When bad things in our lives are approached from this perspective, that is exactly what they become, another obstacle to overcome. When bad things enter into our lives they need to be seen as opportunities.

Not only opportunities, but opportunities that have arrived at exactly the right time and for all the right reasons. The way we approach what seems to be an insurmountable problem is a defect in our perspective. What is really happening no matter how terrible, unjust, or wrong, is happening for all the right reasons at exactly the right time. No more, no less. Turning problems into something to struggle through, is removing all possibility of personal growth and spiritual learning that should come out of the situation. That is, if we embrace and accept our life’s problems as being perfect, instead of fighting them.

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Minnesota to Texas via I35

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I left Minnesota three days ago and I am now in the Dallas/Fort Worth cooling my heels. On the drive up to Minnesota I bypassed Kansas City for a look at more rural country. On the way down here it was I35 all the way. There were a few serious thunderstorms along the way which made driving tough, and slow. There were also a lot more flooded and wet fields where it looks doubtful that anything will be planted that will be ready for the fall harvest. Somewhere along the way there were some very flooded rivers and one lake that must be ten times the size it was the last time I drove by it a few years back.

I find I am pretty tired. I don’t want to sleep any longer than normal, or lay around the house, but I can tell by the way I feel, it is time to go home soon and do nothing for a few days. I have this feeling of physical tired, like I worked hard the day before. I also am falling asleep very quickly which is unusual for me, as it usually takes me a while to fall asleep. It sure has been a fun trip, I am glad I was able to take it.

The sights and the views have been better than ever before when I have gone up north, and of course best of all was seeing family I have not seen is a few years. It is kind of funny, I find myself not saying much, but rather just enjoying the interaction between them. I suppose that is my family link. We change as we get older, but I think we act almost the same way all our lives.

There was one funny, or so I thought incident in Kansas. I pulled on to what I thought was a side road to look at some baskets being sold by some Amish women. The road was next to a gas station, but I did not think it was being used as the entrance and exit did not directly lead to the road. I stopped more or less in the middle of the road, leaving about twenty feet on each side of the truck.

As such things go, along come a guy in an SUV, who is right in the middle of the road, stops and starts honking his horn. I look over and he signals me he wants me to move my truck out of his way. I make sweeping motions suggesting he can go around either side of me as there is plenty of room. He gestures again, and so do I. He makes some rather rude and obvious gestures towards me and I ignore him. He backs up five feet, and drives around giving me some dirty looks, as if I care. About two minutes later a semi pulls out on the road and I move the truck, I have a lot of respect for those drivers, plus I realized I was on their road to the gas station.

I had some good meals along the way, and the people were very nice with only two exceptions. If there were not a few behavior exceptions, I would wonder if I were in another reality, and out of this one. One thing that always catches my attention in the corn belt is contrast in what appears on the bathroom walls in the men’s room.

I never understood how there can be ‘Jesus saves’ scrawled on the wall in the first place, in a bathroom. What really adds contrast though is the hate slogans, usually either Nazi slogans, or other hate talk. What makes it so interesting to me is publicly the sides of the roads are filled with church signs and repent and be saved signs. yet on the bathroom walls and other places in the mens room’s are less savory thoughts and ideas being written down. I always wonder if it is repressed being given an outlet, or the true nature of a small minority of people in rural areas who feel threatened by something they can not quite define? Perhaps there is more repenting and saving going on in the corn belt than is obvious driving through, although I doubt it is different per capita than anywhere else I have been.

I have been to a a few places to eat and one mall here in the Dallas area, plus a drive around tour. It is surprising to me how neat and clean the city and streets are. It is obvious that most of the people here take a lot of pride in where they live and it is reflected in how clean everything is. I think there is a lesson here for all of us. All it takes is a second to bend down and pick up a piece of trash from the ground, and a few more seconds to throw it away.

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I Need and Let’s Be Real

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Inside our minds there is an I Need part of us. This part of our mind has no function in our make up other than to think of things that we Need. Some of them are passing fantasy such as being so wealthy we never have to work or want for anything again. Other I Need’s are something we fleetingly think about, or see as we are out and about.

There is a built in mechanism that balances the I Need part of us. It lives in a more real surrounding, and helps us to control our I Need part of us. I Need identifies something that it knows we can not live without at that moment and those thoughts about it flood our mind.

The mechanism that helps control our I Need is what I think of as Let’s Be Real. Let’s Be Real reminds us that we are sitting in class, doing our job which requires our attention at the moment, or lets our mind wander into possible reasons why we really do not need whatever it is I Need has thought up for us. Let’s Be Real is also a good tool to have in our make up. Let’s Be Real shows us exactly what we we need to be doing or will have to to achieve whatever it is I Need has set us to thinking about.

For example, I need spots a nice piece of jewelry, or a nice car and takes over our thought process. Let’s Be Real jumps in and shows us if we can or can not have our I need filled that moment, or shows us what changes we need to make in our life to have that jewelry or nice car. Usually we listen to both I Need and Let’s Be Real all day long as thoughts run through our minds and counter thoughts or counter possibilities follow shortly. Normally we are not even aware these things are going on until someone points it out to us, such as right now.

At moments however Let’s Be Real can cause us as many problems as I Need does. Because they live as a part of us and float into and out of our thoughts I Need and Let’s Be Real do not have a complete understanding of our real life situation. For example, I Need tells us we need something. We know immediately that what ever it is we need is well out of our current economic ability. Let’s Be Real pauses for a moment and then lets us know that all we need to do to afford it is quit eating, then we will have money for the item that I Need has identified.

We recognize immediately that not eating is not a reasonable choice, and whatever I Need has decided we can not live without floats into the backwaters of our thoughts. But when Let’s Be Real makes different choices we are sometimes fooled into thinking they are very reasonable and we can make those changes to satisfy I Need.

Car salesmen if they are good at their jobs make use of this defect of ours, so do high pressure electronics, cell phones sellers, and purveyors of other common items. Let’s Be Real tells us that if we save some on our funny money, use a little less water and electricity, and drink less soda that we will have enough money to afford whatever has caught our attention.

This is true. If we do those things we should have enough money to afford whatever I Need has planted in our thoughts as something we can not live without. Where we find ourselves in trouble is after a few days of sacrificing to be able to afford what we now own, I Need wants those needs we dropped to afford our newest need filled. So we rationalize, well maybe one soda won’t hurt. Maybe a longer shower or bath today won’t make that much difference. Soon we find ourselves right back where we were, only we have another expense squeezing our stretched budget. Of course during this time I Need starts looking for something new we can not live without.

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Visualise becoming the master

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One of the POW’s of the Vietnam era had an interesting story. After he was released and arrived back in the US, and was well enough, he played a game of golf. What was so unusual about this game of golf was that he had an almost perfect score, something he had never accomplished before!

This man perfected his golf game while sitting in a POW camp in North Vietnam for many years. Not exactly the place where there is enough time and a few golf pro’s giving you private lessons…. Many of the men taken prisoner where essentially in solitary confinement. Even if they could see one another, they were not allowed to talk, or otherwise communicate with each other.

They were given nothing to keep themselves occupied from one day to the next, hour after hour, month after month. This Airman to keep his sanity started thinking about his golf game on a local course by where he used to live.

Over the weeks, months and years, it became easier for him to visualize how he was going to play each individual hole on the course. He spent hours and hours imagining the weight of the club, how to perfect his swing, where the best place to put the ball on each shot around the course. Of course there was the putting. He would imagine himself on each and every green with a putter in his hand. Thinking about the slope of the ground and the position of the sun, and how hard to tap the ball depending on where he was on the green.

In this way he kept his sanity when at times there was no sanity, and no sense to what he was having to live through. When he was released and strong enough to play a round of golf, he went out after so many years of practicing by the hour in his head, and he played the best game of his life.

When we watch professionals do something we can not do, they always make it look so easy. Some will even tell the crowds, something to the effect of” Well all you have to do is – fill in the blank – this, and your results will be just like this. It looks so easy, and finally we feel like a light has come on inside our heads and we can do the very same things.

Until we get home, and things are not working quite like we expected them too. Most of us become frustrated and put away whatever it was we were going to master. A few of us, the ultra stubborn, or ultra patient depending on your viewpoint stick with it until we too are close to mastering that particular goal.

That is the way life is and probably the way life works the best. If we all could master every endeavor with little effort, there would be no challenge in life. There would be no curiosity, and there would be no advancement in our lives and culture. In fact our lives today would probably be the same as they were five thousand years ago.

Thankfully we can not become a master of too many things at one time. We have our little niche of things we do well, and that is about as far as we get for most of our lives. Unless like the POW who played the almost perfect golf game after not touching a golf club for a number of years, we have the need and desire to excel above anything we normally would think we are capable of. Not being able to master more than one or two things at a time keeps life refreshing!

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You failed, who cares

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I am always fascinated by the people who are so cemented in themselves, they end up in a repeating spiral of misery and frustration, trying to do something which they were not meant to do, and will never do acceptably no matter how hard they try and want to.

The one thing that is keeping them from becoming what they want is they were never meant for what they desire to start with. Everyone early in their lifetime should sit down and evaluate who they really are, and what their purpose in this life is. It really is not that difficult; if we are only truthful with ourselves it is quite easy.

For example, once I wanted to be a sprinter. I wanted to pound my way down the track and feel the wind rush by on my face. The best I ever did was a seven minute mile. At that speed there is nothing really rushing by you except the people who were built to be runners. The same end result occurred when I wanted to play in a band. I played an instrument for over a year, and never really should have been moved from the last and third chair. When the band director had a bad day, I made it to the first chair, for about fifteen minutes. I had about the same result with Art class, and Spanish class. There are some things I will never be.

I can accept this and move on. Someone else will sprint, make music, do impressive artful things, speak two or more languages, and so on – I won’t be one of them though. In the world of belief systems, I will never be world class either, but I can live with all my faults. I am what I am, and that is good enough for me. I see no need to torture myself over something I will never be or was never meant to be.

I am not advocating being a quitter, I am suggesting once you give something the best you have, and you do not make your own grade, rather than punishing yourself, perhaps it is time to think about what you are trying to accomplish? In all things, someone has to be first, and someone has to be last. Most of us end up somewhere in the middle. That is where I ended up with my skiing. I skied once in an official race, a downhill slalom to be exact, with real prizes. I was not last, but I also was a long away from being first.

I enjoy doing these things I mentioned, I did not get frustrated and whine because I am not the best. Perhaps I should have thrown some items away though. I remember an oil painting I did in art class. I brought it home, and my Mother asked me what it was? I said it was a waterfall, the one at a favorite river we used to trout fish at. She said, “Oh yes, of course”, and hung it on the wall upside down.

Whenever you find yourself trying too hard at a specific thing and not achieving the results you want, maybe it is time to stop and think about it. Only a very few are almost perfect at anything. Most of us are okay at many things. There are a few things we will never be any good at no matter what. If there is a dream you have wanted all your life, and you can not seem to achieve it, maybe it was intended to stay a dream? Maybe your example of giving it your best is all that was intended for you to do?

Accepting your faults is not quitting, it is being human. In many ways it is letting opportunity in, because once you have let something go, you open yourself up to possibility. Possibility may lead you to your true nature, where you will excel at what you were meant to be.

There will always be people waiting to tell you how bad you are. You do not have to join in with them them. Be your own cheering section! Focus on those things you are good at and be happy!

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