Blaming the world for my poor decision

When I was in college I used to hitchhike home some weekends. It was seventy miles one way, and split between two states. I did not mind hitchhiking so much as I was going home which beat the heck out of staying in the dorm for another weekend.

Some of the trips were okay, and some were good. The best rides I had usually came from Marine Corp recruiters. I knew when they picked me up, I would be a captive audience for a recruitment spiel that lasted as long as the Marine recruiter was heading in the direction I was going. Usually the talk ended with something along the line of, “How about you come down to the office and take our test?” Of course I respectfully declined.

Even though it was one main highway from college to the city where I lived, it was rare to catch one ride straight though. Most people would pick me up in one little town and tell me they were only going to the next little town. That was okay with me, the variety of people who where willing to pick up a teenage hitch hiker was always interesting. They were mostly working people, and I imagine, knew what life was like without a car.

I had hitched rides since I was a kid. Living in the country, it made for more play time if I could catch a ride to my friends homes who lived a mile or two away. Some drivers were a little strange, and maybe had strange ideas, but I never had any problems even as a kid. I always thought hitching rides was fun, and a cheap easy way to get around. That was a long time ago…

One night hitching home from college stands out in my mind. I could not leave as early as I wanted to. I left around dinner time which is a bad time to catch a ride in rural areas as most people were eating dinner. I walked about two miles before I caught my first ride.

My first ride was a good one, they took me about twenty five miles before they arrived where they were going. I thought it would be a quick trip. Catch another ride, and most of the trip would be over. I did not plan on the weather though.

As I walked along putting my thumb out when cars were heading in my direction, it became cloudy and dark. The sun had gone down. That was not a problem normally, but this night the clouds blocked out any light from the moon and stars. The lack of starlight at least made it very dark.

A mile later and three cars later, I was still walking, and it started to rain. Of course being a footloose college kid, I had no rain jacket. Because it was early fall, the rain was not warm. I walked nine more miles being passed by a number of cars which either did not see me, or did not want to pick up a soggy rider, and get their car all wet.

By this time I was getting tired and the rain was really coming down. A car came up from behind me, slowed and pulled over. I thought at last I have a ride! The car had out of state plates so I figured it was a salesman. They were good company. I sloshed up to the car, and opened the door.

He took one look at me and said, “You are all wet!” I said, “Yes, of course, I walked the last nine miles.” He said, “Well I can’t let you in, please close the door.” What could I do but close the door and watch him drive off, leaving me behind.

I became angry. I was tired, hungry, and getting cold. I railed against the weather. I yelled about how much walking I had done. I yelled, and then yelled some more. Then I stopped yelling. In the midst of my yelling, I realized there was no one listening. There was also no one to blame for my predicament but myself, and besides myself, there was no one out there on the empty highway to care.

I resigned myself to walking the rest of the night, and let my anger go, as it was not accomplishing anything. Less than a minute later, a car pulled over and dropped me off within a few minutes walking time of my house. Such is life.

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How many corners on a fence post?

I read a couple of blogs this week that moved me sort of. I left comments of course. I like to keep my comments friendly. The post topics and some morning conversation have me thinking out loud. Of course there is little point in having an opinion if you never share it.

Today started, or at least breakfast started with some talk around global warming. The folks I was with are of strong opinion that global warming is something cooked up by some environmental nuts who happened to get lucky and noticed. When I first started hearing about global warming I was tempted to agree with them. Since then I learned how to think, and I have to side with the nuts that dreamt global warming up.

My reason why global warming is a fact is so simple that many people miss the forests for the trees. I hope this is not an old thought rehashed…. Our Earth is supporting (as far as we know) a record population of people, somewhere over ten billion people. All ten billion of us are perking along at 98.6 degrees plus or minus a degree or two. Trade the animal herds we killed off one to one for people and we still have more mammals on earth than ever before heating things up. Add a few simple things like any gas powered motors, a few trillion light bulbs, and televisions/computers and we have some major heat being generated.

The first blog I read was about organized religion and a study that shows that people who have organized religion are happier, healthier, and live longer than those that don’t. Of course they do. It does not take a study to figure that out. How nice it is to blame whatever happens in your life, your fault or not, on something else.

What peace of mind that provides never having to be responsible for you own actions. My thought on this is God does not need us. We are what we are, and we should do the best we can. If that is not good enough for God, then God produced faulty humans, and the program should be scrapped. I don’t see that happening.

Another blog I read pointed out yet another study. This one said that most people interviewed thought they were okay, but people around them needed various levels of help, mostly with their heads. I know for sure I am all right, but I am not to sure about you. This study may be right. Unfortunately, it is a Phoenix study and rises from the ashes dressed in new feathers every few years. I believe Solomon mentions it in his musings, or maybe it was Aristotle, or Siddhartha, or maybe it was on The Simpson’s?

I think that covers everything blog topic that that has me thinking this week, except one. The last and questionably the best was a post about a relationship. Relationships are tough things, especially if you are a young man. Women for the most part have no trouble having a relationship with one man.

Young men on the other hand, have a very hard time being with or faithful to one woman. Evolution made the average man want to have sex with as many women as possible. Lots of sex ensures the best chance for survival of the species, for everything from disease to disaster.

Women on the other hand depend on Men to provide, and get a little picky when a man strays. My thoughts on the possibly straying man post, is it is not going to improve over time. If you think he crossing your acceptable line now, be assured he won’t improve over the next decade or two. A little hurt now ending a relationship is a lot better than a lot hurt over the next years.

Oops, one last blog I read about anger. If you are angry and do not wish to be angry, let it go. If you are anything you do not want to be, let it go. The best time to start redefining you and your life is this moment. Do not expect t change in ten minutes though, the longer you hold onto something, the longer it takes to leave you. Anger is no exception.

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The last bus left, and I was not on it…..

Well, Christmas is almost over. Rather the holiday itself, though Christmas lights and feelings will go on for a few more days. It really raced up on me this year. I have been so busy enjoying life, I was not really paying attention to those other things that matter in life.

Because I was not paying attention to my own life something snuck up on me this year. I was struck by the anger that comes from being left behind. It is kind of hard to explain, and that not really be what it is, but it feels that way to me.

My closest family members who are older than I am are either gone, or somewhere where they can not easily be called on the telephone. For the one that can be called, they may not be in a state to contribute much to any conversation any way, so it really matters little because they are in essence gone.

Another family member has the cough. Not just any cough, but THE COUGH. The kind you get when your lungs can not repair themselves from smoking any longer. The first few times I heard the cough through the phone, I asked if they had a cold. The third time, they had been to the doctor and told me a few months ago what the doctor said. Tick, tick, the clock is on for them and time is running a very mortal path.

Most of the time I accept these things as part of the cycle of life. I know my turn is coming, and all they have done is what their parents and close family did before them, and so on, back for as far as I can imagine.

Of course the spiritual side of me knows that everything is perfect just as it is. But on days like today, it is my emotions that rule the proverbial roost. I miss them today. I miss them badly. I miss them in such a way it makes me angry today that they are gone.

Once I hit the angry state, every sad and hurting relationship in my life starts floating up to the surface reminding me of other hurts and pains, and losses that have occurred over my lifetime. Why this, why that, why did this have to happen, and why didn’t this work out. Why do I feel so separated from all these people I have held so close to my heart all these years of my life? Why can’t I just let it go, and let it be?

On almost any day other than a few days either side of today, I know there are no answers or somewhere I can point to and say this is the reason, this is why, this is what I need to learn and I haven’t and that is why it continues. Except when I feel this way, almost any day does not matter. Only this moment does. So now what do I do?

I do the only things I know how to do. I feel the pain and the hurt of all the times when any relationship with someone I hold near and dear has gone south and it hurts like hell. I swim in the anger and the hurt. I wallow in the despair. I feel the anger of what feels like being shut out. I pretend it has never happened in anyone’s life but mine.

While I am feeling these things, and feeling quite sorry for myself, I also wait. I abide. I accept. Because I know there is no other recourse. Either accept or float in a pool of self pity. Eventually night falls, and bedtime arrives. I have burned so much energy letting these feelings absorb my all, I am tired. I go to bed, seethe a few more minutes, and eventually fall asleep.

If it is a special night I meet with all of them, or my guide, and and we talk and laugh about how I feel. If is a normal night, I sleep a hard sleep, and the morning comes. Along with the morning are new feelings, and new drives. Little by little as the morning flows, I am back to my normal self, and the world is a wonderful place, and didn’t I take a long ride on the pity train yesterday?

As much as I would like it to be, it is not all about me all the time. We spend an incredible amount of our lifetime playing parts in other peoples lives, and helping them learn what they need to know. Other people do the same for us, and sometimes they find pain in the pausing of a relationship too.

Better perhaps is a thought from, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. If I remember correctly, “The more it hurts, the more important they were to us…”

And life goes on

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Anger has its day in the sun, and then it is done

Living with anger was quite an experience. I found out late in my teenage years that anger simmered away in me. I never suffered from the bully type of anger thankfully. That anger only surfaces when it is ‘safe’ to do so. My anger was deeper, and it was a surprise when I discovered it. There comes a time in our teenage years when introspection starts creeping in to our psyche. For me it was more obvious, I was tired of being angry all the time.

It was during this time that I discovered the amount of anger I had. Looking back from that time, I could point out various times when I was driven by anger, but I was not able to find a time in my life when I could say, my anger started at this point. In my life, my anger seemed to have started before my first thoughts. I remember being a small child knowing I was tricked into coming here. I remember not wanting to come, of being immensely happy and content where I was, and now I was angry that I was here. Not your typical child thought, but it was the earliest anger thought I could remember.

Everything we experience has a reason. So was my anger. It had to be there for a reason, and just like feeling alone (previous post), I wanted to find out everything about anger. At first I tried to keep it under control. I would become angry, but anger is not socially acceptable, so I would try to hide it. All keeping my anger hidden did was to ensure that for the next three or four days I would be angry. It was not fun being angry for three or four days in a row. You find yourself mad at everything and everyone. I denied being angry, not wanting to explain to anyone that I was seething with (usually misplaced) anger.

The next step was to let my anger out. I looked for positive ways of getting rid of my anger, usually through doing something physical. That helped with my anger, but it never made any change in me. It just tired me out, so I cared less about other things. I used other parts of life trying to expel my anger, but they did not have any lasting effect either.

The next outlet I found for my anger was expressing it. Letting people feel the full force of my anger. Seething, cutting remarks, constant arguing, bickering, and generally making sure other people felt my anger as deeply as I did. It worked! My anger was diffused much faster, and I was able to get on with life much quicker. I could go to sleep at night and wake up without insatiable anger burning through my mind.

Over the course of time I found myself alone more often than not. I knew no matter how much my friends cared about me, they would only allow themselves to be a whipping post for my anger so long. Once that point was reached, they wanted no more of me, and I understood completely, as ironic as that sounds. One day I woke up and realized that what I was doing with my life was just plain dumb, and was of no value to me. At that point all that was left was me and my anger. I had done all I could with anger, and although it was a useful tool, it had its limits, and obviously I had abused those limits many times.

I was left with two choices. Either use anger as a positive in my life, or stay angry and let the world know feel my anger too. As with any other serious problem that we refuse to address, it always comes down to two very hard choices. Either continue to knowingly do something that is very harmful to deadly, or let it go. I chose to let my anger go. As with all changes, it took time. My whole life had to be reshaped, and I had a lot of ground to cover before people were willing to trust me not to hurt them. But I got there, and so can you if you see yourself here.

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