Tag Archives: change

Have a happier relationship

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As I am typing this out, someone is out shopping. They have a sad look on their face, yet they are out shopping for new clothes, shoes, phone, or some other new toy. Shopping for something to change their life. Other people are at home just as unhappy, painting their walls, washing their clean car, or sliding a couch from one end of the front-room to the other.

Think of your closest relationships…. We like to think we grew up learning about how manage ourselves in healthy successful long term relationships. Our teachers and mentors for healthy and wholesome relationships were mainly our parents and siblings. If these relationships are not all that they should be, we may have an incomplete education in the close relationship department.

We also value personal relationships as something mainly for our enjoyment. We give of ourselves what the other person wants from us, but only in relation to what we are receiving. When our wants or needs are not being satisfied, we hold back some of ‘us’ in equal proportion.

In the early stages of a relationship, differences between our wants and what is being offered are noticed. We generally think of these little signals of ‘something not quite right’ as unimportant – which is a major mistake. We are so focused on getting what we want out of the relationship, we put what is missing on a back burner.

Concession, re-negotiation, and other changes are made on a regular basis in an effort to find relationship happiness. We look for things outside of us to change or fix as if they are the problem. Focusing on physical change is what we normally do as humans. Moving the dresser to another wall will not fix anything. We need to identify these situations as something we can change if we wish to, but not changing physical things because that does not work. Recognizing a relationship problem is not a physical problem is a healthier response to a repeating problem. Moving furniture is exercise. Buying something we do not need, is not valuing our gifts.

The next time when in a close relationship when something seems amiss, no matter how small, stop and think about what is really happening. Is this a repeating pattern? Are you really receiving what you want out of this relationship? Is the problem, the general situation, other person, or is it you? Change in itself can be a difficult process. Removing barriers to help you enjoy your life more makes the effort worth every minute of your time.

Don’t you find yourself out shopping, with that sad look on your face not knowing what it is you want to buy. If you catch yourself behaving like this, go home and have a good heart to heart talk with yourself about yourself. Whatever you buy will not make you happy for more than a short time, and will not fix any relationship problems.

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Change you, change your world

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Between, or out of a relationship, feeling like you are the only person in the world who is not really part of the world? Everywhere you look people seem to be happy, enjoying the company of the person(s) they are with and enjoying life in general? Yet you feel alone and isolated from everything? Sound familiar? If so, guess what? The only difference between you and the people you see around you is the color of the grass.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, that is our nature. It is one of the truisms of our lives in this reality. Everybody looks happy at the particular moment you are looking at them because that is what you expect to see. You are expecting a whole world of happy people, and the world does everything it can to help you achieve your desire.

Don’t believe me? Let’s make a test out of it where you can verify the results for yourself. When you are going out in public the next time look at the people around you. I bet you will see exactly what you expect to see. Mostly happy people, paired or in a group, smiling and having fun.

The second time before you go out, make it a conscious effort to see people how they really are. Look at them expecting to see the real person, not the actor or actress because they know they are being watched. Look for those moments when they let their guard down because they think no one is watching them. What did you see after actively looking for people as they really are, not what they are pretending to be?

The third time you are out in public, ignore all the couples and groups. Spend your time instead observing those single unattached people. The people who are all around and walking around just like you are. How happy do they look? If you live in a big city or work for a big company this exercise is much simpler, because your pool of test subjects are there every day.

People in big cities like the world to think that generally they are really happy, but few are. Seeing the the real them, you rarely see any happiness radiating out. They generally mirror a look that ranges anywhere from mild determination, to barely disguised anger, on their faces and in their posturing.

In this experiment did you see yourself in any of the people you observed on the three different occasions? If you did, which group of people would you place yourself with? The happy, life is great people, the people who look like they are just trying to get through and escape out the other end, or those people who are really not happy, and do not care if the world knows it?

The wonderful thing about whatever group you think you fit in, is you are there by your choice and not by any misfortune, or anything you do not control. The world is a funny place, and at the same time it is full of mystery and the unknown. The slice of the world you are experiencing is the world you expect to see, and the world bends itself to your will.

Change how you think; put a smile on your face and the world will change to fit you. Think about how unfair life is, and how unhappy you are, and the world will do its best to bring events and people into your life to reinforce your expectations. You control and mold the world around you to whatever you want the world to be, but you probably are not aware you do this. The world as we experience it waits for you to decide what you want to experience and then makes it happen.

Just like the commercial about what’s in your wallet, you control what is your world. You will always be somewhat alone unless you make it your life’s goal to meld with the world, but you do not need to feel alone in the world, either, you are the creator of your reality. Create the reality you are happiest in, not the one you think you belong in.

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Friends or boat anchors in disguise?

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There was a time when the people I surrounded myself with were a very mixed bunch. On one hand I enjoyed hanging around with smart people who had a vision for their lives. On the other side I hung around with people who were going nowhere and happy about it. This was before I was even out of high school.

Once out of school not much changed except my friends who had vision for their lives moved on in their lives to accomplish whatever goals they had set for themselves. For my part, my friends group were changing as the more focused people were leaving and more complacent people took their place.

It was a hard balancing act for me, I had ambition and drive, but the people I hung around with did not. I would spend my work time trying to do a good job, but in my personal life nothing was changing, or so it seemed. Looking back I can see I was sliding backwards in my life, helped by the people I chose to have around me. They had no real goals for their life, and like it or not, we become and are judged in part by our friends.

I slowly changed my friends and made a serious attempt to change my life around. It was not an easy task though. What made it hard was I was acclimated to a certain group of people and a certain life style. The groups I wished to be a part of saw me as course and perhaps a little shady. It took a lot lot of time and work to change. Change is never and easy thing to do, and it is made harder when you are changing your whole life in the process.

I feel that at some point along the way I completed the change. I look back on the young me and I think I would not recognize him if I could somehow go back in time and watch myself. That is not to say my personality has changed, but the way I envision life these days definitely has.

The point of all this post is: who you are, what you want, and who you choose to have around you. If you have goals and ambition that you have not yet realized, you may want to take a close look at those people you choose to be with. On a day to day basis, do they help you, hinder you, or neither? Many of my early friends were in a neither category, which was a hindrance in itself. It is hard to have friends who are leading a life style you are not a part of directly, because you are involved in their life by default.

If you find yourself in a position like I was, it is time to start evaluating what your friends are doing for your life. If your friends are not a positive influence in your life, and you want to change and grow, there is no alternative other than to see less of your current friends, and start making new friends. While this idea may sound selfish and self centered, and it is, at some point and time if you do not change yourself, you become who your friends are.

It is important to remember you are not leaving your friends behind, rather you are choosing to grow away from them to improve your life. Most of them will see you as moving on, although a few may not and there is little you can do about how they feel.

You will notice they will find a replacement to fill the spot you left, and you will find new friends too. Do not expect new friendships to fill the holes you have created overnight. There is little you can do to speed up the process, it will happen on its own time. The best you can do is remember you are trying to improve yourself. If your friends are paying attention they may even want to follow you and improve their life too.

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Leaving your friends behind

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There was a time when the people I surrounded myself with were a very mixed bunch. On one hand I enjoyed hanging around with smart people who had vision for their lives. On the other side I hung around with people who apparently were going nowhere and were happy that way. This was before I was out of high school and starting life in the real world.

Once out of school not much changed except my friends who had vision for thier lives moved on to accomplish whatever goals they had set for themselves. For my own part, my friends were changing as the more focused people were leaving, and more unfocused people took their place.

It was a hard balancing act for me, I had ambition and drive, but the people I hung around with most of the time did not. I would spend my work time trying to do a good job, but in my personal life nothing was changing. It was the same old grind every week. Looking back I can see I was sliding backwards in my life by the people I chose to have around me. They had no real goals for their life, and I was keeping myself from mine by being with them.

I slowly changed my friends, and made a more serious attempt to change my life. It was not an easy task though, as I was acclimated to a certain group of people and a certain life style that goes with it. The groups I wished to be a part of saw me as someone who did not belong in their circles. It took a lot lot of time and frustration to change. Change is never and easy thing to do, and it is much harder when you are changing your whole life in the process.
 
I feel that at some point along the way I completed the change. I look back at the young me and I think I would not recognize him if I could somehow go back in time and meet myself. That is not to say my personality has changed, but the way I envision life these days definitely has changed dramatically.

The point of all this is who you are, what you want, and who you choose to have around you determine you, like it or not. If you have goals and ambitions you have not yet realized, you may want to take a close look at those people you choose to be with. On a day to day basis, do they help you, hinder you, or neither? Many of my friends were in a neither category, which was a hidden hindrance. It is hard to have friends who are leading a life style you are not a part of directly, but you are involved in by default, and not become like them.

If you find yourself in a position like I was, it is time to start evaluating what your friends are doing for your life. If your friends are not a positive influence in your life, and you want to change and grow, plan to see less of your current friends, and start making new friends. While this idea may sound selfish and self centered, and it is, at some point and time if you do not change yourself, you become who your friends are.

It is important to remember you are not leaving your friends behind, rather you are choosing to grow away from them for a chance to improve your life. Most of them will see you as moving on, although a few may not and there is little you can do about how they feel. You will notice they will find a replacement friend to fill the spot you left faster than you will find new friends to spend time with. Do not expect new friendships to replace old friends. Be patient, as there is little you can do to speed up the process. The best you can do is remember you are trying to improve yourself. If your friends are paying attention they may even want to follow you and improve their life too.

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How to really change verses thinking about change

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I told him the only thing keeping himself from is dreams is him. In the past I have said such jewels as, ‘Someone has to be rich, it may as well be you’. As far as I know they are both true, you only have to want something more than you want anything else. Once you do that you start working towards that goal, you are unstoppable.

I remember reading a book a few years back about obligations. Obligations we make to others to help them with their growth here on earth. Many of us it seems have made these prior obligations, because we claim we want something in our lives, but our actions do not support that claim.

It is always interesting to listen to someone repeatedly tell me how much they want something, either a man or woman to share their lives with. I usually know people who tell me these things fairly well. I know enough about their life to know that what they are really mean is something a little bit different than what is being said.

What I know they are really saying is, I want someone in my life who will be there when I want them to be, never cause any conflict with the things I want, and never disagree with me. I want this person to show up somewhere in my already structured life that does little to expose myself to possibility. I want this person to be non invasive in my day, but I want them to declare total unconditional love for me before I have to make any kind of decision about them at all. This is usually the unsaid version of what I hear.

It is the same thing with being wealthy, or achieving any other dream that we think we want. We want to be wealthy, but our lifestyle does not support being wealthy. Our idea of becoming wealthy generally depends on winning the lottery, and little else. We walk right by opportunities to increase our wealth, because we either do not see an opportunity right there before us, or we really do not care to put forth any effort into being wealthy, we just want it to happen.

I am lucky in this I suppose. I defined what is and what is and is not important to me when I was a young boy, and I have changed little from my thoughts all those years ago. There have been some small changes in what I thought I would do with my life, which took me from a determined path to one of circumstance, and randomness. I rarely found times in my life when my life wants went unmet, or unobtainable, though it felt like it sometime.

That does not mean I had some magic formula. I trusted that things I wanted in my life would arrive as needed. My needs and wants are rather small in comparison to some, so there was never really a challenge to obtain or meet my life requirements at the differing periods of my life. Change moving from one period to another had been difficult at times, because my old wants were ingrained in my life.

When you find yourself wanting changes in your life, there are some things to be considered. The first is do you really want change, or would it be nice if that change somehow happened? That is probably the biggest test of whether your new goal is obtainable or not. If you are not willing to put in effort to make it happen, you can not expect that change to happen.

If you decide you would be happy if change somehow occurred, then it should be obvious that this change will probably not be speeding into your life, and may never appear at all. If you have determined that change is what you truly want, and you are willing to work for it, there are still a few obstacles that have to be overcome.

You have to be completely open to allowing any change to happen and change the way change presents itself. Sometimes change appears that seems in a completely different direction than you were expecting. You just have to see it and start allowing it to work in your life, and that change will happen sooner or later.

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Your Godmother moved, it’s up to you

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It is something the way some people approach their belief system. Some people go to such extremes after changing, and nothing changes in their life. It does not seem to matter to them though. They think if they wait a little longer, they will be rewarded.

What I see they end up having is a blame system. They decide what their life should be like. They make an attempt at being the new them. When it does not work out they try it all over again. After a number of tries they start accusing, and blaming, because they are not rewarded as they feel they should be. It is a new version of the, “Emperor’s New Clothes”, only in this story the Emperor does not walk around naked. The Emperor in this version of the story had his clothes washed, and given back to him.

Unfortunately, the new laundry service that washed the Emperor’s clothes made a mistake, and the clothes no longer look to be the same clothes the Emperor sent off to be cleaned. The laundry used some new cleaning product, and a new sequence of cleaning the clothes. What happened is the clothes are not the same texture, and colors not what they were before they were washed.

The clothes feel different to the Emperor because they have new texture, and colors, so the Emperor assumes they are new clothes. What the Emperor misses in this thinking is about the clothes themselves. If they were indeed different clothes than the Emperor sent to the laundry, that would mean someone else received the Emperor’s clothes, and the Emperor received their clothes. Because the Emperor thinks these clothes are better than the old clothes, there is no need to change anything – as the laundry made the mistake. The mistake seems to be in the Emperor’s favor, so of course the Emperor is quiet about the switch.

The laundry does not have the dilemma they thought they would, because so far everyone thinks the clothes they wear now are better than the clothes they sent in for cleaning! So the laundry, other than have some anxiety over who may complain about their clothes, has no real problem at the moment.

Now the Emperor has been wearing his new clothes for a while. While the Emperor likes the new color and texture of the clothes, it seems something is not quite right with the clothes. The Emperor was sure that these new clothes were special, and as soon as they were put on, everything would start changing in the Emperor’s life.

Sadly, for the Emperor, there has been very little change except for the few days of vibrant enthusiasm of wearing new clothes and feeling pretty good about it. The Emperor notices little by little the major life change he is expecting is not happening! The Emperor can not understand what is wrong, and starts to get a little disgruntled.

The Emperor talks to some of his new friends who think they have also received the new clothes. They all seem happy, upbeat, and on a new path in life. Maybe their life has changed, and maybe it has not changed all they pretend it has, but it makes the Emperor angry thinking he is missing out.

There is no belief system I know of that is built around the idea of an all powerful being who waves a magic wand over new converts, and changes their world because they changed their clothes. If there were any instant payoff belief system, you can believe the whole world would be there already. But there is not one anywhere here…changing your clothes does not change your life.

If you wait for some all powerful being to come and make your life better, because you decided to think differently, I hope you have a comfortable spot to sit and wait, because it won’t be happening in this lifetime, in this reality. That is the stuff fairy tales are made of, and the best we can do is read about them.

I have learned in my life – if I want positive life changes: I have to be active in the process; today is a good day to start; blaming my belief system does not change anything.

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