Tag Archives: conversation

How to Talk With Strangers

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Talking with strangers is easy once you start to practice. Strike up a conversation wherever you are about what you are doing at the moment. If you are in a grocery line, ticket line, waiting room, hallway, or bus stop make an open ended comment about it to start a conversation.

Engage the other person, with open ended comments. Mention the way the store, is arranged, “I had to walk all over the store to find these few items, you think they would arrange products to make it easier to shop”. Waiting at a bus stop, mention while looking at someone how much you enjoy, or are frustrated by riding the bus.

Cashiers in the checkout line (when not too busy) are great people to talk to. They help carry a conversation because it breaks their boredom for a moment or two. Ask them how their day is going; are they having fun, and is today going better than their last day off? Simple, non specific and non threatening questions are best when learning to talk to strangers.

People usually respond because it is a non threatening question and not about anything they care about too much. Strangers are good people to ask questions of which you would never ask someone you know. Personal problems or delicate situations are made for strangers. Their answer is usually frank and direct, and at times filled with common sense and wisdom. When they answer you about a problem or frustration they are usually talking to it from life experience, and not pulling words out of the air.

If nothing else comes to mind, comment on someones clothing, or hair style, possibly even their shoes if they interest you. Tell them you like their hair, clothes, shoes, and where did they get them? Tell them they seem to have a knack for dressing cute, well, pretty, or smartly, if it is true.

Stay away from Land Mine Topics. Land Mine Topics are topics that can easily get out of hand, and take the conversation somewhere neither of you really wanted to go to, but now you are there, and you have to find a way out.

Land Mine Topics, are generally about: religion, sex, or politics. These are big hitters for most people, and we all have strong opinions. We will voice them if the opportunity presents itself, and a conversation with a stranger is an opportunity. Strong opinions always meet strong opposition, and if you are not careful, you may find yourself in a heated conversation, rather than a simple chat.

If you are unfortunate to find yourself in such a conversation, there is help available. The easiest thing to do is shift gears and start talking in the third person. This way you won’t make things worse by directing your thoughts or comments to the other person. Change your style of talk to starting with phrases such as: some people, other people, a few people think, act, do, or whatever ending makes sense in the moment.

If there is a rebuttal, meaning the other person is getting excited and still disagrees with you, it is time to bail out of the conversation. If you are fast on your feet, you can change the conversation to something else far away from the current topic, such as, “Hey, look at that little kid, he/she looks lost.” We should move forward  little bit, we are blocking the aisle.” For the rest of us a simple, “You have a valid point, I never thought of it that way.” will help you slide away from land mine territory.

If you are really desperate find a reason to leave the conversation. “Hey look, the bus is coming.” “You know, I meant to get pickles, and I almost forgot.” are a few examples of how to get away without being too obvious. No matter how careful you are these awkward moments will happen, so be prepared. It is better to practice alone than have to think under the stress of the moment.

The surest way to become better in talking to others is to practice every chance you get. Find your own two or three general conversation starters, and go from there. Before you know it, you will not even remember you thought you did not know how to talk to people.

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Nobody Told Me!

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I didn’t know. Nobody told me. Do you ever hear these phrases? Ever hear yourself using them? Almost every time I hear them, they are used as a defensive response or a way to avoid responsibility. Nobody told me, I didn’t know.

When phrases like these are uttered, someone is generally given a free one time use pass. They are forgiven or excused for not knowing. Used more than once in a while, the utterer is not well thought of.

For a few people, these phrases and others like them, are over used excuses. While exceptions occur, exceptions should be the exception and not the rule.

What is your common response when asked why you are or are not doing something? Are you one of the few, guilty of uttering not being told, or not knowing? Do you find yourself uttering these phrases a little too often?

Not knowing, is a sign or symptom of more going in the background than the few words each phrase contains. No one told me, for example, has hidden meanings other than the obvious one. No matter where you work, no one has a job to make sure you know what you need to know after you are trained.

When something changes in your workplace, some form of communication is used telling you what has changed. If you hear yourself using these phrases more than once in a long while, below are some ideas you can use to ensure you rarely utter them again, if ever.

The key to knowing is to be proactive. Being proactive is a very effective tool you can use in your work and personal life. Being proactive, you always learn or know about changes that are important to you.

One of the best ways to be proactive is to pay attention. Some way, somehow in your place of work, there is a system in place of how information is passed on. Learn how important information is passed on.

Find out if  your company uses email, a bulletin board, a formal shift meeting, or the person you relieve is supposed to tell you. Make your first job of the day reading, listening,or asking about: “What is going on, anything new today?”

Asking a simple question like this and actively listening to the answer will save you from ever uttering a hollow excuse again. Once you get used to reading, and asking questions, you will know what you need to know. You will know about any changes, and you will look sharp, and become more valuable at work.

Occasionally something changes and you really had no way of knowing. Instead of reaching for a new way of saying you did not know, or were not told, you can use a much more powerful tool.

You can say: I read, listened to, or checked for changes, and there was nothing posted, sent, or mentioned. I asked ‘somebody’ who I took over from, and they did not mention any changes.

If the power of response escapes you, go back and read the first paragraph of this post and compare the two responses. Which reply would you rather give, and which reply would you rather hear? There is a lot of power in words used correctly.

If you are new on the job, and you truly did not know, be honest about it. Follow up honestly with a good question. “I was not aware of this, how and where do I find out about these changes?” Phrasing your reply like this, you will be way ahead of others, who automatically fall back on those old, worn out, ‘I didn’t know’ type phrases.

Now you know how to be on top of your job and your life, you can identify how important information is not being passed on to you. If you find that there is no formal way information is passed on, suggest a way! Using your new proactive way of being, suggest a new or better way of passing on information or changes. Think of a method that is easy and everyone see, hear, or read and let someone know in a professional manner, who can make it happen. It may get you a raise!

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Conversation and risk taking

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Have you ever noticed how we derive our opinions from either repeating opinion as fact even though what we believe to be true may be wrong? It is interesting to me, how we can form strong opinion and use it as fact in our conversation.

This recent presidential election is a perfect example. Discussion and arguments ranged far and wide across every possible topic. Of course topics only supported the point of the person talking. It was rare that the other person or people in the discussion were able to reasonably talk to the other side of the point being made.

I was curious this election, and asked some politically oriented people I know if they even checked on any official web sites for platforms and visions of the opposing party. One by one they said no, they did not.

Ancient civilizations of Mexico and farther south came up in discussion among a group of us a few days ago. The first examples always brought up are how bloodthirsty those cultures were. Inevitably someone goes into an oft repeated discourse of yanking out human hearts from hapless victims while they were still beating.

No one mentions the mathematics that these cultures developed, calendar systems, their ability to sustain cities of tens of thousands with food and goods. Or the pyramids except when describing how the victims were always at the top and the blood ran down the stairs to the ground.

No one mentions how a population in any geographical area needs to be balanced, and while the method chosen method those cultures used may be offensive to us, it was accepted and efficient for the peoples involved. That is rather boring talk in these conversations.

Most discussion follows this form. A topic is brought up and we contribute our communal knowledge of the subject, which generally supports majority group opinion. That is the way we have hold this type of conversation.

In any culture, when resources and food became scarce, people start foraging. Foraging is all in the perspective of course. The Vikings of old were foragers in a general sense as they terrorized the coastlines of England and France. In America before foreign settlers showed up, people had their own system of dealing with redistribution of resources and over population.

The amount of information available to each and every one of us dwarfs the finest libraries of the world from only a few decades ago. Our collective knowledge floating around the internet overwhelms any single library of printed material housed anywhere in the world. All we have to do is decide we are going to read alternate points of view and decide how they compare to what we believe to be correct.

Introducing and discussing alternate views contributes to and enhances rather than takes away from common opinion and tribal knowledge our conversations are made of. It may also lead to a new way of thinking about subjects we are sure we hold the only correct opinion of.

What do you think?

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Death and saying goodbye in extended families

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There was a death in my extended family. This one a thousand miles away. He lived a long life, and had just about anything any man could want in his life. It was his time to pass on and he did. There is not a lot else to say about him.

There is an understanding with them, and those in his position, or at least it seems. We both know that this time when we see each other may be the last. When we last said goodbye we both knew it would likely be the last time we may ever speak, hug, or shake hands. In situations like this when we live so far apart, usually on the last hours of visiting, there comes a unspoken acknowledgment that  the next time I see one of them it may as they lay in their coffin.

I don’t know if these last hours of every visit become more real, take on more meaning or just happen on a more mature level. Maybe it is all these things happening together. If anything is between us or there is anything that needs to be said, it has to be said in those last few hours. After that, as is the situation now, anything being said is a one way conversation.

My end of the conversation has always been quite open. In any conversation there are always levels of closeness that we can approach. Usually in those last time I may see you conversations, we end up trading feelings over our lives and about each other. Perhaps the conversation is a little stylized, or formal, but it seems everything that can be said, is said.

I do not know how I will be when I am one the one who will be leaving first, but the generation of those going now in my family are tough people. They had a hard childhood, and they had a hard life, even when life was easy, it is hard for them. They did not have a lot of the support systems we enjoy. They are not comfortable with their feelings, much of the time unless those feelings are in the realm of anger. Anger was always the easiest feeling for them to express. I think if someone was not initiated into their world, would not know, that many times anger is their highest expression of love for one another. It was all they have, or all they can comfortably express.

Conversations are usually pretty straight forward. They will say something to make me know they may never see me again. I say something acknowledging that I too know I may never see them again alive. Then they something about something in their life, and how I must have felt about it. That is the catch in the conversation. It puts both our feelings at a time and place of something that happened probably years earlier. My answer for whatever they have brought up as an example, is my expression of how I really feel about them, their life, and I how I feel about how they lived their life.

This repeats usually two or three times, each time a different event of the time we spent a part of our lives together. I get to live in their life for those seconds, and they are giving me an opportunity to let hem know how I really feel about how they lived their life. Usually they soften up for a few minutes, and remind me of special times they remember about me, which is their way of letting me know how they really feel, as if I didn’t know already.

That is usually all there is, as there is not much more to be said. Everything is right between us, and we both know that if we never see each other again, that it is okay. We each have said our piece. I bring my bags out to the car, say my final goodbyes, hug them goodbye, and head down the street.

Usually up until now I see them again. But as in all things, that time passes, and these days it seems saying goodbye is really saying goodbye.

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Turn off your cell phone

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Do we do any single thing anymore? It sure does not seem like it. When I look around, I get the impression we are are living in a world of over saturation. We wonder why we feel so stressed out, why there is not more time in our day, why we are tired all the time, and why we feel so alone.

If you pay attention today, I know you will see what I do when I watch other people getting through their day. I see men and women with their cell phones glued to their ears, chatting away while doing something else, like watching their children play in a soccer match. Not just a few minute conversation, but thirty minutes or more. My favorite sight is small groups of girls standing in a circle all of them talking to someone else on their cell phones. Boys do this with their cell phones too I have noticed, they are just not as obvious.

It doesn’t change when people are supposed to be out enjoying their day. Cell phones are glued to their ears while walking, shopping, eating, or even (yuk) in the bathroom. A woman at the local salad bar was on her cell phone her whole meal! It sure seems kind of silly to me. She should have been dining with whomever she was speaking to rather than having them listen to her chew.

Our world is a great place to be in when we slow down and take advantage of what it has to offer us! Electronics are great, I have them, and I use them. I try not to let them take over my life though.

I prefer to talk with people that are here with me, not someone who is busy doing something else while they are trying to hold a phone conversation with me. If I call someone on the phone, I want to be comfortable and able to give my full attention to them. That way we can share in conversation, and not just trade words filling a void across the miles.

How about you, what do you want today from your day?

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Wisdom in an English village

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I met a man in a village in England some years ago. I was trying to hitch a ride in a small village, traveling to the coast for some sightseeing. I was standing on the road side when he approached me and asked where I was headed. On a side note, it is obvious when we are visitors to another country, but not always obvious we live six states away from where we are standing.

Natural curiosity gets the best of people and I thought this man was no different. He asked me where I was going, so I told him. Then he asked me where I started from and I told him where I was staying. He then asked me if I like the people where I was staying, and I said, yes, I thought they were very friendly people. The man then asked me what type of people did I expect to meet when I arrived at my destination? I replied I did not know how they would be.

The man changed the subject and asked about where I lived in the United States? I told him, and he followed up with another question about how did I like the people back home? I said, I liked the people back home; I thought they were nice people, they usually offered help when they could, and they were generally good people who try to do the right things.

Once again the man changed the subject and offered that perhaps I would find the people where I was going to as good as the people I already knew? I thought about this for a few seconds, and decided it may be a possibility, and offered up the people in the next town were more likely to be good people than stand off type of people. The man laughed and said, the people I met would be just the people I expected to meet. I asked him why he thought this, and he said, because I seemed a friendly person, I could expect that most people I would meet would be friendly to me.

I thought about this, and asked him why this would be? He replied that no matter where we go in life, the people around us generally do nothing more than reflect back who we are. Because I seemed a happy person, most people would act happy around me. In my lack of any real perspective on this, I had to take the man on his word. I told him, that was quite an insight on people and was he a psychologist or psychiatrist? He said no, he was unemployed, but generally did odd jobs and minor carpentry when he could get it. I then asked him if he traveled a lot? He told me no, he had never been farther than three towns away from his home in his life.

I forgot this man and his wisdom that day as I enjoyed new sights and sounds by the English seashore. It took me many years to appreciate the wisdom of his conversation though. On that day, as I walked on trying to hitch a ride, I thought what a silly person he was. Him never having been anywhere really, never even leaving the area he lived in, what could he possibly know about the world? An expert on human relations who had never been more than fifty miles from home! I know now what he knew, and what he told me turned out to be so very true, he knew a lot more about the world than I did, even though he had barely been away from home in his lifetime.

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