Weather was my biggest concern I did not have a tent so any rain meant I had to find a dry spot to sleep, or as dry as one could find at the lake. If I caught fish I had something to eat. If I did not catch any fish, a day or two without food was sufferable.

After I was asked not to return for another year of college, I went out and found a job and new friends because college was in another town in another state. Some of my friends were just like me. We had little to nothing except a job and a vehicle that would get us from one place to another – most of the time. Life was still pretty simple, pay the rent, have fun.

Of course about his time we start to get swept up in what every one around us is doing. It became important to find a better job, drive a better car, be a little more responsible. Before I knew it, all my single friends were getting married and settling down. I followed suit.

Suddenly life starts becoming more complicated; the easy days of only having to worry about myself were sliding into the past, as were casual days of camping by the lake, and generally lazing around having fun. I had to expand my focus from myself to my family. Taking a weekend off to go fishing became a luxury, not just another weekend. Fixing the car, buying furniture, clothes, baby food, and diapers became more important than me.

Nothing stays the same of course, but it did not seem like it at the time. The future looked like an unending need for diapers, baby food and kids clothes. Occasionally I would eke out a few hours for me, but those times were rare.

Of course those times went away, and slowly but surely I was not needed so much. In fact the biggest thing that was needed from me was an income. I started feeling like an ATM. I would look into the future and see years of working for a paycheck to have it disappear moments after it was cashed, only to start the process all over again.

This too went away, and my life became mostly mine again. Of course by this time, much of what I used to do was now something that young people do. Hanging out at the local bar did not have the same appeal it did years ago. Other hobbies were also left by the wayside for the same reasons. Other things like going to the lake for the weekend are now more involved because of all the things we need for going to the lake. What was once a two minute stuff a sleeping bag and one change of underwear into a rucksack is now a load the truck with everything process.

I wonder if this planning and packing is a form of ritual such as Thanksgiving or Easter, or is it something else. I find myself trying to simplify everything, but for some reason it is not an easy task to simplify. The line between what I need in my life and everything in my life is grey and convoluted. What once was clear and simple, now takes a little planning.

I was reading a few web sites about being homeless a few weeks ago, and it almost sounded pleasant to me. Not many cares with all the programs out there that would take care of me. All I would need is a safe place to sleep each night – and most of everything I have in my life at present.

Maybe being homeless is not as simple I perceive it to be. I imagine for now, I will be happy I can go to the lake, and not care about the three hours it takes to get ready to go. Being grateful enters my thoughts at moments like this.

I was thinking about the role you had in my life, and what I remember.

I remember when you spanked me for crapping in my pants after I was potty trained. I really was, but other things were so much more exciting than stopping the explorations to use the bathroom the correct way. It was less distracting just to let it go in my pants.

I also remember the T-Man. You used to buy me little rings with whistles, or bells on them. Sometimes I would be wearing two or three. They never seemed to last though. I always lost them quickly, or maybe they broke.

I also remember always asking for bacon spaghetti, and you would make it for me. It was not until a few years ago that I learned how much you disliked making, let alone eating it.

Do you remember how you always had a gallon of vanilla ice cream in the freezer? You would give me some almost every day. Once when you had whipped cream in the refrigerator, you let me have a whole bowl of that.

Then there was the time you caught me playing with matches in your bedroom. You scared me so bad threatening to do what I would have done if you had not found me, that it was many years before I ever touched a match again.

I remember when you would take me along when you went to the Deer shack to bring food and beer to the men. I always felt important being able to go too. After you had a five or six cold beers, you would drive us back home. Those thirty miles or so were always so funny! Ending up who knows where, or missing a turn and sliding into the ditch. I know now how dangerous it really was, but back then it was a lot of fun for an eight year old.

Remember the marble game and camping? When you woke me up at one in the morning, telling me if I got up so you adults could use the table, you would play the marble game all day with me tomorrow? I was so tired, I never got up, but you kept trying.

Then there was the camping trip in the cabin. You went outside to go pee, and we heard you saying, “Xxxx stop it! Xxxxx, that is not a bit funny!” What I thought was funny was when all the adults looked at Xxxx who was sitting in the cabin with us. When he shined a flashlight outside, there was a black bear sniffing your rump!

Maybe it was the same trip I stepped over the little railing alongside a cliff, and stood right next to the edge. The three of you begged me to come back to the rail. I laughed and stayed where I was. I don’t remember how long I played that game, but I know now how terrified you three were that I was going to fall off the cliff.

You also left your house unlocked so I could go over anytime I wanted and make a sandwich to eat. All you ever asked was I leave a note telling you I had been there. You listened to my frustrations and complaining during my teenage years without passing judgment on me, even when you disagreed.

There are many more things I remember. I wish I could tell you, and we could laugh at them over a beer or four. Maybe even while eating pizza from at the pizza shop. Those days are gone forever though, and this is as close as I will ever again come to us laughing over a beer, and me remembering that part of my life you had a role in.

Life goes on, and that is the way it is. I sure miss you though…..

My first observation of assembly happened at a Grocery store of all places. I happened to be in the bakery section early one morning picking up some bread. I noticed that most of the breads could be grouped into a few main groupings. First there is the old standby bread, soft and mushy white air bread. This is followed up with soft, and mostly white, wheat air bread. Finally there is an assortment of more diverse breads, some of which are actually quite different from the rest.

I have noticed that most of the wheat and white breads taste the same. If you look closely at the ingredients label, you may see some have raisin, or other (they do not use the word) coloring, to make the bread look more like wheat bread, so they technically dye white bread made out of  processed wheat – how convenient. More diverse breads are for the most part only diverse by what is added to them, not the basic bread itself, unless it is a sourdough, rye, or some such bread. The rest are the same basic dough with different seeds, and things added to them.

This brings me to the particular morning I mentioned above about assembly being everywhere. Cookies, and pastries made by the ‘bakery’ within the store all taste about the same. There were some boxes of commercial dough out in the customer area waiting to go into the ‘bakery’. The boxes of dough stated on the label, all the uses this particular batch of dough was good for.

Care to guess what it said on the dough box label? The label explained how different breads, cookies, pastries, doughnuts, etc, could be made from the same box of dough by adding different flavorings, and cooking methods. Now, I understand that dough is really just dough, but having made my living by cooking once upon a time, I know there should be some minor differences between each type of dough used in different bakery products.

For example, if I buy a chocolate cake doughnut, it should not have the same texture and flavor of a soft chocolate cookie, right? Wheat and white bread should have different tastes, and nutritional values? An apple turnover and a cherry strudel should have more differentiating them than the sugared fruit inside? I am afraid this is no longer the case if you are buying from a major grocery store. Everything is assembled with only a few variations from the main product.

Looking around, I noticed most places we eat are no longer restaurants, they are food assembly centers. Nothing is cooked from scratch at these places. All that is done is like the Value Added Reseller in the computer industry, a few modifications are made to the original product, and it is sold to you at a higher price. The ‘cook’ opens a plastic bag of something, heats it up, and feeds it to you in one or more forms.

It is not only happening in fast foods, but more upscale establishments too. Is your stuffed potato really stuffed, or was it assembled in a manufacturing plant somewhere? How about those vegetables, did they come from a fast frozen bag already flavored? How about your fish, wasn’t that caught and processed on a boat somewhere around the Arctic Circle? Your steak is probably the same way all they did here was add value by heating it for you.

Assembly is probably happening in more areas of my life than food. I would guess my company and the way it functions is an assembly too, made up of actual company people, supplemented by contract companies who hopefully offer a better service for less.

So what about American family’s of today? Is the typical American family, a real family any more, or is it an assembled product too?

Take a small part of your day on New Years Eve, and think about what you would be doing if you had only one-half a year to live. If you knew without a doubt that you had five good months, and one month of dying, where you could reflect back on the previous five months, what would you do with the rest of your life starting now? It is a serious question. Some people even though they are perfectly fit, and in excellent health won’t be here in six months, six weeks, or even six days. I am sure none of those people will be you or I, but it could be any of us. On my way home today, I may be in an accident that ends my life.

Once you decide those things that you would be doing if you knew you had only a few months to live, and a few weeks to reflect on them, start finding ways to bring those things into your life starting tomorrow. It is these things that will bring you true happiness. Money and fame can not do anything for you if you can not truly enjoy the things you have in your life right now. Having lots of free time can not make life more filling, unless you can fill your time with something that is truly important to you. Personal satisfaction of working on or towards something we consider important and really care about is what makes us truly happy.

Just about everything you are worrying about right now, and what you will worry about in the next year is a waste of your time. If you do not believe me, stop for a minute and make a list of what those things you are worrying about right now. Once your list is made, draw a line on the paper to separate these things from your next list. For your next list, copy from your first list those things you can really and truly do something about. Only those items that you personally have control over. This much smaller list is something you should actively work on because they are the only things you can control. The rest of those items on your first list, you may as well throw away. You can do nothing with those remaining items on your first list, so worrying about them, or letting them waste your time is futile.

Finally, because I care about you, and I want you have a better next year, I have one remaining suggestion? Take time for you. This is probably the most important of my three suggestions, because no matter how well you do the first two things, if you do not take time for you, you are cheating yourself. By taking time for you, I mean making sure your life is in balance. We all need things in our lives to get us through the month. I think my Grandfather said it better than I have ever heard it said. He was talking about work, but it applies to all areas of our lives. My Grandfather asked me a few days after I was married what I was going to do for work. I told him about my main job, and how I was planning to get a second job if need be.

My Grandfather, being a crusty old Irishman, who did not believe in wasting words told me, “If a man can not make ends meet with one job, he sure as hell can’t do it with two jobs.” I thought I understood what he meant all those years ago. I know I did not understand the true meaning. He was telling me that it was the quality of my life that is important, not the things I have in it.

These are my wishes for you for the next year. If you are already doing these things, I am excited and happy for you! If you are not, they sound simple, but may take some thinking and planning to accomplish. One step at a time will get you there. I can hardly wait to see you when you get there! My best for you in the New year!

Starting about this time of the month radio stations would start playing Christmas music along with regular songs. It was nice to hear Christmas music playing on the radio just like I would at home. Of course the DJ running that segment had his own comments about the season, and what his family was doing for Christmas. That part was okay, because with a little remembering, I could guess what my family was doing each day.

I would remember they would like to get together as a group and shop on this day. Christmas meal planning would usually be coordinated over the phone for the Christmas feast. They would meet at one of their homes, bake cookies this day, and maybe the next day too. Then there was the individual family baking. Those little treats that one family may enjoy, that were too time consuming, or costly to share with everyone.

So it really was not too hard to be home for the holidays in my imagination. I could keep track between the calendar and my imagination what was going on at home. I think we all did this. Unfortunately being in security, and guarding something in the middle of the night with my M16 rifle, flak jacket, helmet, and flashlight for company, it was a little hard to keep the holiday spirit going. Some of the other guys in my Flight would get care packages, which would be sometimes shared at work, so that helped some.

When television was less than spectacular, and I was not working, I would occasionally listen to the radio. As I mentioned there were the regular Christmas songs, so it was easy to pretend I was close to home, but off doing something, so no family, or friends were around at the moment.

When the date moved around to about the fifteenth, it seemed one Christmas song in particular managed to be played what seemed like four times an hour. Care to guess the name of the song before you read on?

If you guessed, “I’ll be home for Christmas”, give yourself a pat on the shoulder for a good guess! It seemed that every other Christmas song played was, I’ll be home for Christmas! After about a week of it, I could hear it in the back of my head while doing other things. I could even hear it in my sleep, or so it seemed!

Every December, since I came back to ‘The World’ (as it is was called then), portions of some days, and some nights only part of me is here, and sleeping in my own bed. Another part of me, is standing next to some nineteen year old who is out in the rain, or cold, with no light, heat, or company, thinking about what his or her family is doing for Christmas, and how he or she would really like to be there too, even for a few hours.

Before I spent my time in the military, I never gave the people serving a second thought. Since then, I am very aware of how even the ‘safe’ folks overseas are sacrificing for me, so I can have a happy fun filled holiday season. I won’t even attempt to account for how the folks in combat zones are fairing. I know none of them will be home for Christmas this year, but when they do get home for Christmas, it will not be the same for them either. So when I seem a little preoccupied, it is probably because I am thinking about what Christmas means to those who are not here to enjoy it. It is hard to know what it is like serving overseas during an important holiday, unless you have been there. Lots of fun, is not one the phrases generally used to describe the Christmas season.

Once home, I found an email waiting for me from a family member I haven’t spoken with in a long while. It sure was a surprise and a special treat for me on the end of Thanksgiving weekend! The world is so spread out and vast in some  ways these days. We move, move again, and we lose touch with each other as we mold our lives, and our future. One day turns into a week, then it’s a year, and before we realize it, a long time has gone by. Perhaps that is one of the things that makes this time of year so special. We think about friends and family we have not seen or spoken with in a long time. We have those special memories from times long past, when our world was another shade of perfect.

Back at work, some of my friends asked how my blog was doing, and some probing questions around it, audience being one them. I talked about the subjects I find I enjoy writing about.  They offered some tongue in cheek suggestions for increasing readership. Among their suggestions is becoming more political and move out towards the edge, any edge, or both edges where people have strong feelings. They offered up many suggestions which include:

Pro Bush

Pro Clinton

Take an anti green stand

Global warming is a lie

Global warming is going to end our world

Support abortion

Support pro choice

Animal rights – either side

Support baby Seal hunting

Cheer for the whale hunt

Support fur clothing

Motivate people to support burning more coal for energy

Reducing emission controls

Gun control – either side

Pro War, anti War, more war

Suggest we all send money to the helicopter wolf hunt in Alaska

Cheer for China’s use of the U.S. and perhaps World market as a dumping ground for its use of lead and other contaminates in their exports, in a covert effort to dominate the world by poisoning our children with deadly toys

Support RAP and Gang Banging as the American way of life

The list went on of course, the more we talked about it. While I am grateful for their suggestions, and I have no doubt people would get worked up no matter what stance I took on any of those topics, it just is not somewhere I want to be. It took me years to understand that people have their opinions. They usually do not change their opinions for less than very compelling reasons. So if I went down any of those paths as blogging topics, I be forced to move from a place where I feel comfortable to an area where argument and controversy reign. I do not care to be the blogging version of a radio Shock Jock.

While my friends are being supportive of my efforts and want me to quickly move up the ranks in blogger-hood, I will stick topics that I feel are worth my time. I want to come home from work, and write about what I enjoy, and feel is important. I do not want a blog about  something that I may not only not enjoy, but find it gets in the way of my enjoyment of life.

This brings me to the final piece of what I am grateful for this week. I am grateful you take the time to read what I write. I hope you continue to find it worth your attention and more importantly your time. Further I hope somewhere along the line, you read something that helps you or someone you know. Thanks for reading!

When we were in school most of us did our school work on our table, either in the kitchen or in the dining room, before or after dinner. When there was no homework, it was the weekend, or we could not go outside, we play games on the same table. Fortunes are won and lost, as properties were traded and real estate moguls were created. Both amazing, and lucky plays are made playing our board and card games. Pacts are made with other players only to be broken when it seemed it was the worst possible time for us. We were heroes or zeros in the roll of the dice, or the flip of a card.

The real character of our family members, and friends comes through depending on how they conduct themselves while winning or losing, and how they play the game. Cheating is found out and dealt with severely in this game, or encouraged in another game. Losing poorly is punished, as is gloating too much when winning. Our opponents around the table are quick to point the weak spots in our play, and our personality, of course they smile as we lose, and they push our buttons to make us angry.

As we became more worldly, games with real money take the place of our other games. Small but real mini fortunes are made and lost, bragging rights established, and we learn a little more about the value of money, especially if we lose some of ours. After a given time most of learn that money is too hard to earn and too easily lost to play with in games of chance. Unless it is a holiday, and the family is getting together, and we feel lucky.

As we became older, we sit at the table and make life decisions. We plan out our future, our weddings, funerals, and pay or not pay our bills depending on how life is going this month. We listen to salesman trying to make a buck by selling us something we really do not need, and probably can not afford. We share meals with family and friends. We listen to the woes of others and others listen to ours, across the table.

We peel potatoes, slice carrots, do science projects, and hopefully learn the value of service to others at the table. When we are setting the table we usually think about the person’s place we are putting the plate down for, and what we think of them that day. Whether we are happy with them, angry, hurt, or indifferent to them. If we are angry with them, they will get the worst plate, cup, and silverware. If it is company, we are wondering why they are here, and what stories they will have for us to hear since their last visit. They always see and use the best we have in the cupboard.

At the end of the day we sit around the table and talk about times past. Those stories someone thinks are important to family knowledge. They tell a story they learned from someone no longer around any longer. Sometimes we have coffee, milk, or tea to make the time either special, or bearable depending on how important it was to you that day. Don’t forget the pie or cookies….

In many cases, our lives, when they come to an end, there is no need for scales to weigh the good and bad, to see how they balance out. All that is really needed is all the tables we sat at throughout our lifetime. Such stories those tables could tell about the real us.

If you have never played poker, perhaps you have seen the game played on television? Ten players sit around a table at their designated seats. In a regular casino game, also known as a ring game, seat selection is random. If you are sitting in a seat you do not like it, as soon as someone leaves their seat, and no one else has asked for a seat change, you are usually allowed to take the seat just vacated. Although there are exceptions, this is generally how it works.

Mr. Vorhaus noted an interesting situation which happens at the poker tables where people should change their seats for various reasons but do not. The term Mr. Vorhauss coined is, “ass glue”. Unfortunately I suffer from it more than I should. On a side note, if you are an aspiring poker player, Mr. Vorhauss has some excellent books, you may wish to add to your poker library. For the rest of us, we sometimes let ourselves be glued into our current situation all to easily.

It is easier not to find a better job, take some classes, read a self help book, or even learn to appreciate our job and do it better than it is to do nothing. For some of us being glued in place is our day to day personal life. We go through the same routine each day. A routine we really are not that happy with, but we do it anyway.

We finish up our day and it was the same as the day before. This ‘glue’ happens in all areas of our life! We did this activity or set of activities twenty years ago, and we are still doing them today. We have fallen in love, married, have children, and still try to live as we did before love, marriage, and family. Then we wonder why we are not happy, and our family is not happy.

As painful as the idea sounds we have to rip our selves out of the chair and live our life! We need to have new adventures, experience new hobbies, and gain new friends. This does not mean leaving your family behind while you go and do these things. Bring them with, and have fun as a family! This should be what our life is about, for most of us at any rate.

Once you are out of your parents house and starting your own life, you are now in a time period known as – the rest of your life. The rest of your life may end in thirty seconds, later today, tomorrow, or decades from now, but it will end sometime.

One thing is certain, you will never be more alive than you are right now, nor will your family, friends, and friends to be. No one you know or will know will ever be as alive as they are right now! We have all heard of someone who worked and saved all their life for that wonderful retirement only to have it snatched from their fingers by some tragedy. Don’t let that person be you!

Change is good, everything changes, nothing stays the same. If you are fortunate in your life, you will live long enough to get old! You will think about the good times you had when you were young. It is horrible to be old and think about all the things you could have done, but did not.

Reality is that some of us reading this right now will not wake up tomorrow. Go do things today! Use your body, it has no use beyond what you do with it. Life will be much more satisfying when you think back on all the things you tried and did, whether they worked or not, than to sit and think about all the things you could have done or were going to do, but did not. Do not let glue control your life.

Technorati Tags: change, control, family, personal, self help

One of the best parts of being here, is sitting on my Mother-In-Law’s porch. The porch faces the street in a mostly quiet neighborhood. It is an old part of a small town, and unfortunately there are a few abandoned houses on the block. I like to think that is a sign of a well used neighborhood, and not a run down part of the town.

There are a lot of memories surrounding that old porch. I can sit there and think about years past, when there was a holiday and all the family would be there. We would play games, eat, and have fun laughing and joking. I remember a lot of family barbeque’s, that took place by that porch. There were many Fourth of July celebrations from when the nephews and nieces were old enough to participate.

The street would be filled with pops and bangs, smoke, bottle rockets, and of course firecrackers. The kids would be fearlessly wading through the smoke and waste paper, trying to light their next firework, and then running to get another. Some years this off the porch view was better than the city displays I have seen, if not in size, then certainly in duration.

Then there were the quiet afternoon chats with family members, and friends on the porch. Solving world problems, planning the next family get together, or family group vacation. Many years ago the family went as a group to northern New Mexico. The planning was started many months in advance by one family member. As always, on the porch conversation and planning took place before the actual event arrived. All the who, when, and what time questions were discussed sitting in the shade on that porch.

This year most of the family took off to California to see the sights in and around Los Angeles. Because the family is grown up with their own families, and spread out over the state, conversations on the porch were mostly done in reflection, or between two or three members of the family at one time.

I sometimes wish I could move that porch a little closer to where I now live. That way whenever I wanted to think about all the things that took place sitting or are standing around the porch, it would be close by. Other days, I am happy the porch is so far away, because like all memories, that is what they are. They can be relieved over and over in my mind. As with all memories, that is all they are, a marker of time that has mostly long since past.

I started down the process of what I believed and why. Some of my earliest memories floated into my thoughts. One that I remember fondly is my parents sitting on the couch smoking cigarettes, and talking quietly. The sunshine was pouring its rays in through the windows. It must not have been summer time because all the windows were closed.

So here I am, a young child, and the room is filling with small billowing clouds of cigarette smoke floating in the air, looking like approaching fog in a scary movie. I remember sitting on the floor looking at the clouds of smoke moving lazily around the room filling up the clear spots. Just like the clouds I would see outside. I thought how fun it would be to fly through them!

So I did want any little kid would do seeing the smoke and thinking about the clouds outside. I stood up, put my arms straight out from my side and pretended to be an airplane as I ran around the room tilting to and fro. It is such a happy memory from when I was a child. Everything was right with the world. As young children we play, sleep, and play some more, such is our world at that age.

My next thought was thinking about my beliefs and why did I start smoking when I did? I thought of all the not smoking teaching I had in school when I was older, not the specifics, but the general pertinent points. I remember coming home from school and parroting to my folks how bad smoking was for them, and asking them if they would quit? Back in those days, some doctors still advised their patients to either take up smoking because it would help them relax, or keep smoking for those same reasons. My parents doctor was in that group, so they said.

When smoking and other poor health habits caught up with my Dad, he was forced to go to the hospital having a major heart attack. Not the minor ones, he thought he had suffered from previously that he chose to blame on indigestion. He lived through that heart attack, and was instructed by the doctor that treated him to quit smoking, and start walking at least a mile a day.

One of my fathers brothers had a heart attack within the year (same health habits), and the doctor gave him the same instructions. Quit smoking and exercise to heal his heart and lengthen his life. I remember my Father and Uncle talking after my uncle had been released from the hospital. They were sitting on the porch smoking, discussing their heart attacks and the doctors instructions. It did not take them long to agree the doctors were wrong. They agreed that quitting smoking, and exercising would place too much dangerous stress on their hearts. It would probably kill them. They both agreed with this thought, sitting on the porch smoking.

As I worked through this line of smoking, I knew why it was so easy for me to start smoking. I knew then much of what I believed in, and sometimes believed in strongly came from the earliest memory’s of my world as a child. Almost everything from what foods I did and did not like, to my faith was an auto install from when I was a child. It sure was disconcerting to think that a large part of my belief system came from a time when I was too young to question what was going on in my young child life. I felt suddenly like I was standing at the edge of he Grand Canyon. So started the journey of evaluating almost every thought and belief I ever held. I was already a non smoker by this time…thankfully.

Once I arrived at this point, I knew why they believed what they did, and how haphazard my own beliefs might be. It is a serious undertaking to think that everything you think you know may be wrong and you are living in a belief system that is built on sand that could wash away any moment. I have found it is better for my life, to go through the validating, and throw away process of everything I believed in than to simply wrap myself in what was the cotton candy forming the bedrock of my life.

Technorati Tags: family, growth, belief, heart attack, self help