 Frustrating days are long hard days. Starting with the alarm clock, and ending with a groan or moan hoping to sleep, trying to forget how bad today was. We all have these days, no one is excluded. Some of us however seem to have more of them than the rest of us do. For an unfortunate few, it is their lot that they have more bad days than good. For most of us fortunately, more than the occasional bad day is our own fault, and not the world plotting against us.
We live our life with a certain level of expectation. Personal boundaries are set by those expectations. Some of those boundaries we aren’t even aware we are setting. Our normal response to any situation is what our preset expectation is.
Pretend you have to be somewhere over ten miles away between seven and nine o’clock in the morning. how do do you feel about it? Do you feel apprehensive, do you feel frustration and mild anger start to simmer at the thought?
Unless it is the second day of a three day national holiday, there will always be a lot of people trying to get somewhere the same time you are. Set your boundaries aside, accept this as normal knowing everyone else feels the same frustrations, and be done with it.
Challenge those boundaries you have set in your life. Most of our boundaries are self imposed. We set up conditions, and fence in our life with our expectations. Our expectations play out every day day, which further reinforces our expectations. A self fulfilling loop is created in which many of us live.
Changing too much at one time is a sure fire way to have your fears come true. Changing too much and failing makes it easy to fall back into the same old patterns. Why try to change your whole world in one fell swoop? Pick one difficult moment of your day, and choose to approach that moment differently.
Think about one event in your day you want to change for the better. Smile while thinking about the moment. Smiling helps you feel and think differently. Even if your smile feels false, keep smiling for a few seconds – while thinking about how to handle the event differently.
It may help if you sing a few words of a happy song while thinking. Occupying your brain with other things allows your thinking to change from your normal limited patterns. Let negativity go, and let some sunshine in. A few moments of smiling, singing while thinking will lead you to new ideas for old problems.
Doing this is no different than going on a long walk, sitting in a quiet place, or exercising. You are changing your focus while looking for an alternative way to make a moment more pleasant and positive.
After some time has passed, it may suddenly dawn on you that you haven’t had a bad day in weeks. In fact it might almost be disturbing wondering what is wrong because everything is going so well. What has really happened is you have developed new ways of looking at problems, and created new tools to make what used to be uncomfortable situations comfortable.
With practice, smiling, humming, or singing a happy song, or feeling happy thoughts while thinking about one problem in your day will help your mind start thinking about problems differently. You will find you are reaching out, moving your personal boundaries farther away from you instead of pulling them in around you. People around you will start to be different too. They will be happier because you are helping them while you help yourself. Share what you are doing with others, and get them involved too.
I had a unique opportunity to make a number of visits to a hardware store over two days. In that time I was helped by a number of people working at the store and checked out by at least as many before my buying spree was complete. I was humbled by one of those workers in particular. I thought they reflected you and I and those around us.
Watching how the people working acted or reacted as they were helping me with the nuances and intricacies of items I knew little about is worth writing about. My first trip was for a vanity and sink top for a bathroom upgrade.
The first clerk I asked for help pointed me in the general direction of vanities and sink tops before disappearing. I would say helping another customer, but seeing there were only about five of us in the store I believe he went to a new hiding place.
I decided on what pieces I wanted and went to find a cart. A worker in the lighting section pointed me to a corner and told me carts were usually pulled in to that corner (pointing) from the parking lot. Arriving at the appointed corner, there were no carts, but someone was guarding the exit area cum cash register. They told me all the carts were out in the parking lot somewhere.
When I found a cart, loaded it, and went to an open register to check out, the woman who helped me asked the normal questions and seemed to care about my answers. When the transaction was complete she asked if I needed help loading my purchase. I said yes I would like some help getting them into my truck. She paged out an appropriate code and said if no one shows up, she will help me load up.
 I made a joke to the woman about hearing the stampede of feet coming towards the exit to help when a man showed up and said he would be more than happy to help me load up. He pulled my cart out to my truck, helped me load up, and asked if I could manage unloading by myself. I told him thank you for the help, and yes, I could manage the unloading myself.
The next day there were a number of trips back and forth buying, exchanging, and returning. One clerk, on the second trip, looked as if her best friend had recently died while complaining about how long the day was. It was nine am and she had been working two hours. I saw her later in the day at a different register, with the same bored, forlorn look. I chose a different register to check out at.
On one return for correct size trip, the returns clerk told me that doors were the number one exchanged item, and the reasons why. She was upbeat and took me at my word when I told her nothing was used or damaged even though one box looked nothing like it did when it left the store.
I exited the returns section, went back in the store and picked up some more large items. The cashier was friendly as asked if I needed this or that that she knew would be needed for what I bought. She also asked if I needed help, and told me a coworker who was one of the best employees would probably show up to help me. I recognized the name from the night before, the same person who helped load up my truck last night. I agreed and mentioned how he helped me the previous evening. The clerk said yes, that would be him, the others usually hide when paged to help.
One person who really stood out was the first register clerk of the second morning. She was the only register clerk when I got in the line of five at her register. She was a young woman with a large flower in her hair above her right ear, her mouth in a smile, and pleasant manners when checking out the previous customers.
I mentioned how polite and awake she was when the most of the customers and workers alike looked to be half asleep. The young woman told me, “I work somewhere else too, and I worked hard and late last night. I didn’t get much sleep and I am very tired. When I woke up and started getting ready to come here, I had a choice of how I wanted to be today, and I chose to be happy.” I stood looking at her in awe as she checked me out with a smile. The amazing places we learn about life and how to live it!
This is something I wish I would have understood when I was growing up, as it would have made some areas of my life simpler and more satisfying. Perhaps my thoughts will help you giving you a direction you want your life to go in, and make it more satisfying and fulfilling.
In the movie, The Edge, the main character Anthony Hopkins is Charles Morse, who is constantly asked, “What now Charles?” Charles is a business and book smart billionaire who finds himself stranded with his wife’s lover Alec Baldwin plying Bob Green in the wilds of Alaska. Only Charles knows enough about survival from his voracious reading to save both of their lives in the rugged wilderness. Before the plane crash, Charles was by perception in the movie, an extremely successful businessman having inadequate social skills.
 I was or perhaps still am, as are many other people, like the character Charles. I spent years trying to fit in where I always felt a little out of place. My fitting in was always met with varying degrees of success depending on how one wished to categorize or rate what constitutes success. In parts of my life I was very successful, in others areas, which are the areas we tend to focus on when reviewing ourselves, I did not feel I was that successful.
When the plane crashes, Charles is now in a position to compete where he can excel, not to far removed from the business arena where Charles was a stellar performer. Some could say Charles was an illusionist, in that he chose not to excel in any activity that did not reward him financially. This may or may not be the case.
In the wilds of Alaska, with his extensive survival knowledge, Charles was in an arena where the other person did not even know the rules of the game. There was almost no chance of Charles being less successful than someone who had no survival skills experience or knowledge. Charles was unfortunately because of the plane crash in an arena where he would excel using all his knowledge and talents.
What came to pass was I realized that no matter how I tried, unless I changed myself and many things about me, I would never fit in with certain groups of people. That seemed to leave me two choices: Change, or always be a little bit of an outsider. I tried changing, but those clothes were not comfortable. Neither was being a little bit of an outsider, but it was the better feeling of my two options.
Somewhere along the way of living my life, I started to have an awareness that my not fitting in had nothing to do with me, or the people around me. We were all being ourselves, and doing what made us happy. Any conflict was a result of the situation, not them and not a flaw in me. I was trying to belong where I could never comfortably belong or fit in.
Almost by accident I stumbled into changing my circumstances into situations where I did fit in. I quit trying to fit in where I thought I should, and started looking for people and activities that fit the real me. In essence I became Charles after the plane crash. I had leveled the field and began spending my time in places where other people like me spent their time too.
During this time the way I felt about me and my life became much better, and more comfortable. I did not change myself in the process. I changed what I did and who I spent my time with. Phrased another way, I changed my reality. I am still the same person, but those around me, have a better understanding of my character, and personality, and therefore have a clearer perception of why I do the things I do, or not as the case may be.
If you are like me and you look in the mirror, are happy with the person you see, who does not quite fit in their life as you think they should, do what I did. Decide where you do fit in and with whom, and see if that agrees with who you think you are. If you find that those types of people share your idea of life, join them and don’t be surprised when you become like Charles too. Often it is not the person who is not quite right; it is the situation they are in that does not fit their character and personality.
As we go through life, we tend to identify with certain people and and their thinking. For one particular way of thinking there does not seem to be any middle ground as there is in many other areas of our lives. I believe for those opposite of myself and others like me are missing out on most of life’s greatest gifts.
The thinking I am referring to pertains to whether you feel life holds endless abundance, or scarcity and there is never enough. I am part of those who know there is enough for everyone if we choose. No matter what anyone wants or needs, there is always enough.
 The other side, or the other group believes there is not enough to go around. These folks do whatever they can do to ensure they keep as much as they can for themselves. In most cases it does not matter in the least if the amount they have is more than they can manage or use in their lifetime. What matters to people in this group is they keep as much as they can in their control.
This thinking is most prevalent or obvious in political affiliations. Whatever you think about, whether it is love, money, or knowledge, someone believes the opposite. If you see abundance, they see scarcity. If you share and are generous, they see you throwing important things away, or wasting something precious. They believe there is a finite amount, and it needs to be kept under control or better yet hoarded. Some of the most violent and vicious people that ever walk(ed) the earth believe(d) in scarcity or finite thinking.
If you are part of the group of people who believes there is not enough, who taught you to think this way, and why? This belief is used as a method of control. Perhaps it was used on you in various ways to control your actions as a child. Perhaps you learned from role models who felt the need to control you by reserving those things that cost nothing to give? Perhaps there are reasons deeper or more complex which you may not know what they are.
How much healthier it is to know and believe in abundance. Knowing no matter what, there will be enough for everyone as long as it is freely given, or freely shared. We are all inhabitants of one single earth, and we have access or control of everything the rest of the world needs to survive if not thrive. All we need is to change this scarcity, fear based belief system into one of abundance.
 We were born in abundance. We were given everything we needed to grow and thrive to the point we are now at. For most of us, our life is very rich and we are very wealthy compared to most of the world, in that we have everything we need and more to live a comfortable happy life.
Thinking abundantly, we know there will always be enough of everything we need. At times it may take more effort than other times, but generally we have no need to worry about not having enough.
Because we are masters of our own personal universe, if we allow ourselves to believe that there is not enough, there never will be. We will be like two children trying to decide who really has the right to one piece of candy. Living our lives in such a limited scope that we will never be open to the life of abundance we could have is a sad state of life. Life will always be a struggle, always on guard, protecting our few hard earned possessions. Life will always be a juggling act, where we have to do more, and be more than the person next to us, to ensure we have enough for us.
Believing in scarcity, is a limiting belief. It limits an individual to being a big fish in a small pond. Believing everything is scarce or limited introduces fear into life. Fear there will not be enough. Fear introduces hoarding, withholding, and other acts of greed into life. Living in the shadow of fear, is at best a meager existence. At best believing in scarcity, and living in the shadow of fear keeps one from knowing that the sun shines on us all equally.
 I came across two interesting thoughts today I wanted to share, and add too. The first was along the lines of, “If you do and act like everyone else, you are rewarded like everyone else.” The second was a re-quote from Henry David THorough, “All men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
Unfortunately these are tried and true, died in wool, written in concrete, branded in steel truths. Everyone is rewarded in the manner of everyone else like themselves. Everyone leads lives of quiet desperation. If you do not believe me, think of the people in your social group.
Everyone dresses the same, has similar tastes, all make about the same income, and they all have about the same expectations for their future. It makes no difference if the group you belong to is in their late teens, thirties, sixties, or somewhere in between. Everyone in your group will more or less progress and achieve at about the same rate.
It does not have to be that way though, unless you prefer it to be that way. Social pressure, a lifetime of listening to others expectations, and your beliefs all contribute to having a live like everyone else. Most people want the house, the car, the job, whatever group you identify with, everyone has about the same value set.
So why does everyone in that group deceive themselves by thinking they are unique and what everyone else will likely accomplish through their lifetime does not apply to themselves? I once read a definition of stupid as doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.
Hold up your hand if you suffer from doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I am holding up my hand as you read this. Unless I am paying attention to what I am doing, I find myself repeating the same pattern over and over and expecting different results.
What is wonderful and important right now, is reading this and wondering if reptition applies to your life. If it does, it is your lucky day, because from this moment onward there is an opportunity to take a new approach to how you manage your life.
If you realize you have been doing the same things and hoping for a different outcome, this moment is the time to know and believe that nothing will change except the calander date. There may be an occasional fluke where something different happens, and your mind will jump on it reinforcing the thought that you are on the right track, but do not take one instance an place it above the other hundred or more instances.
Repeating the same patterns leads to the same results. Starting now, make an effort to change the way you do things. The first time, or the first twenty times may bring about change you do not want, but at least you are making changes, and you know what won’t work. Eventually you will find what works and your life will take off in the direction you really want it to go in. Of course you will have to take personal responsibility to step out from the crowd and dare to be different…and the crowd won’t like that.
I wrote about aligning what you really want with your actions in this post. If you have not read it, here is a capsule version. If what you think you want and what you do are not in alignment, one or the other needs to change.
For many of us change is easier said than done. We want to change; we want our secret desires to be our public desires, but something holds us back from making this change. We plod along with our secret desires hidden where only we can see them. Our public desires remain something we can live with, but not always what we really want.
It should be a simple matter to make our private desires public, and let our public desires go. We don’t really care about some of our public desires anyway, they are the expectations of others upon us. It really should be quite easy to walk by a trash can and drop our public desires in, and walk on.
 Yet we do not. Why can’t we just drop our public desires and start living the life we really want? No matter what reasons we think we have for not allowing ourselves to be who we want to be, all reasons are rooted in one common place.
We fear…. We fear what our parents will say. We fear what other family members or friends will say. We fear what the world will think of us. We fear what will happen if we start to change. We fear that allowing ourselves to change will somehow make us different, and we do not want to be too different. We want to be the real us, but we would rather no one noticed, so we stay the same.
What happens when we allow this fear of change to run our lives? Well for starters we are miserable. We are unhappy because we know we are living a partial lie. We want to change and quit living in a lie, but we do not change. We would rather be miserable as we are than change and become who we really are.
The great artists of the middle ages painted some beautiful work in their day. These same artists also created some less than okay paintings. Where did all the less than okay paintings go? Artists who paint discovered a wonderful secret that we can all use in our life.
In days past, canvas for painting was very expensive. One did not simply throw a bad painting away. Great and not so great artists of the past did one of two things. They either modified a bad painting into something they were satisfied with, or they painted it over completely and started fresh.
Artists in general do not worry about failure. Failure is creation too, and a learning process. Every artist knows every painting is not going to be a masterpiece. Great artists use this secret to recreate on the very same canvas something better than what they had created in the first place. In essence they reinvented what was on the canvas.
We are all artists in our own way. We are our own canvas. We are the creators of our own painting. It is the only painting we have of ourselves, and most of us do not like what we have created. We have the freedom to repaint it as often as we wish, and there is no time like the present. We are the only person who needs to approve of our painting. If we approve of what we have created, others will approve of us too.
Unleash the artist in yourself, and recreate who you really are. Cleaning the canvas of us, or modifying what is already there is what we need to be doing to improve our lives. If your first attempt is not a success, that is okay. Because we are our own canvas, we can paint over our mistakes as many times as we need to in the process of getting us right.
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