Tag Archives: loss

Relationships that last are not shallow to begin with

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I had a couple of dogs when I was a young boy. Like all kid’s dogs, they were with me for many years. I shared a lot of my life with them. Many days they were my only companion as I was deep in the woods fishing, or wandering looking for who knows what. Eventually my dog’s in their turn grew old, and eventually died. They lived good lives, and I missed them terribly. I would cry over them, but one day I realized I was crying about how I felt, not about them being gone.

Now farther down the road, I know it is the same with relationships. If you go to any blog web listing, say wordpress.com for instance, there is a number of recent blog posts written every few minutes about a relationship that has ended. What confuses me however is I don’t read about how grief stricken some of the hapless bloggers are. I read some of the posts a second or third time and I do not see where they are overwhelmed by the situation.

What I do read is they are stricken over the effect someone leaving is having on them. They are overwhelmed that someone could not be in love with them. They are grief stricken that the relationship is over. They can not fathom the idea that someone could possibly want to be somewhere else than with them.

I could be wrong in my thinking here, but by the time they get to this point in their lives it should be clear that the world does not revolve around them. It should be apparent that the other person had a life before them, and they will are going out to find their life again with someone who thinks about life the same way they do. I have met a few people that are really heartbroken, and have been for years that someone they loved with all their being left them, but that is not what I read in most blogs.

They are not crying about the relationship, or what happened in it. They are generally sad for themselves, and how this effects them. For those of you who have solid relationships you understand what I am getting at. A good relationship is not all about you, a good relationship is all about direction.

If someone enters a relationship for themselves, they better find someone with no self worth who thinks they only exist to make someone else happy. For any relationship to work, there must be a few things going in the same direction.

First you have to forget about looks. They are a relationship built on sand. Looks only last a short time, and then most people start to forget that they were first drawn in over looks, and start looking for something more in the relationship. If you are the jealous type, you better look for a homely person…

Secondly, it is important to share the same thoughts on the most important things in your life. If you can not find agreement on those things most important to you, you are heading for a breakup. Write down the four or five most important things in your life and find out if they feel the same way before you get serious.

Find out how you both feel about time away from each other and what you expect from each other as boundaries. For example if you are the quiet type, and they like to be with many people, one of you is going to be hurt. Remember too, what you see is what you get, people do not change because you want them too.

I am by no means an expert, but these things will help. If you enter any shallow based relationship , do not expect it to last. When it does end, do not be surprised, and remember, it is not all about you. They invested part of their life too. If you feel like crying over the relationship, think about what you are crying over. Usually you will find it is all about how you feel. When that happens be happy, you are one of the lucky ones in it is over quickly.

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Grateful for life and death lessons from pets in my life

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My first day off of my work week today and it sure feels good to sleep in. It would feel better if my cat did not have to come and wake me up to see if I am really supposed to be getting up or not, but we sometimes have to accept the good with the bad. It provides balance in our lives. I am grateful for all the pets I have had over the years. They help me prepare for everything in my life.

I had turtles when I was very young. I only remember because I did not know how to take care of them when it was time for them to hibernate, they started to stink instead of sleep like I was told they would do. While I never learned how to create a place for turtles to hibernate, I did have a quick lesson in death.

Next it was Guppies I had in a glass one gallon aquarium. I was given some weeds to put in so the guppies had some place to hide. They hid so well, when my Mom decided to clean the aquarium we counted over ninety guppies in various stages of growth. Deciding there was too much weed, the population was quickly reduced by guppy cannibalism. I learned about predatory behavior from Guppies.

We also had dogs over the years. One was a Spaniel/Labrador mix who had been hit by a car as a pup. His stomach muscles were hurt, and his belly was very low to the ground. One of the neighbors accused him of jumping a six foot fence and breeding with their Chihuahua. I was too young to understand about sex, but I did learn that sometimes people tried to pass off stories that were not completely true. That poor dog could barely climb stairs without dragging his belly let alone jump.

A few years later another dog who had made into his late twenties was dying in a painful way. My Mom and Dad talked it over, and decided the best thing to do was put him down. Put him down meant a bullet in the head in those days. My Mom took out the vacuum cleaner, and furiously started vacuuming an already clean floor as my father went outside with the dog, and did what had to be done. He was gone a while, but when he came in my Mom and I knew the dog was asleep, never to waken again. I learned about sorrow, and loss from that dog.

Next was a horse my folks had bought me. He was a Tennessee Walker colt. I could not ride him as he was too young, so he roamed the pasture with my sisters horse. One week we had some friends horses in our pasture, along with our own, and they were close to fighting. It was cold outside, so I dressed in a jacket with a hood and went out into the pasture among the horses. My horse picked me up by the hood of my coat and shook me all the way to the fence, and then threw me over the fence. I did not know it at the time, but I was given a harsh lesson in love by animals for their human family members. I do remember crying for about thirty minutes though….

Some years later the Spaniel/Labrador was at the end of his life. He was arthritic, and moving even slightly was very painful for him He could no longer walk, and did not care to eat or drink water. A family discussion was held, and it was decided that I would be the one to put him down. I had to carry him from the basement to the appointed place. I remember how hard it was to see where I was walking, stumbling at times. I said what I could manage to get out, and pulled the trigger. As much as it hurt, I knew what I did had to be done for his benefit. I learned about life, and love that day – and the pain of loss.

Many more animals came and left over the years, all of them leaving me with those special lessons that only a pet can give. I am grateful for all of them, and hope there are many more pets waiting for their turn in my life.

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