As I am typing this out, someone is out shopping. They have a sad look on their face, yet they are out shopping for new clothes, shoes, phone, or some other new toy. Shopping for something to change their life. Other people are at home just as unhappy, painting their walls, washing their clean car, or sliding a couch from one end of the front-room to the other.

Think of your closest relationships…. We like to think we grew up learning about how manage ourselves in healthy successful long term relationships. Our teachers and mentors for healthy and wholesome relationships were mainly our parents and siblings. If these relationships are not all that they should be, we may have an incomplete education in the close relationship department.

We also value personal relationships as something mainly for our enjoyment. We give of ourselves what the other person wants from us, but only in relation to what we are receiving. When our wants or needs are not being satisfied, we hold back some of ‘us’ in equal proportion.

In the early stages of a relationship, differences between our wants and what is being offered are noticed. We generally think of these little signals of ‘something not quite right’ as unimportant – which is a major mistake. We are so focused on getting what we want out of the relationship, we put what is missing on a back burner.

Concession, re-negotiation, and other changes are made on a regular basis in an effort to find relationship happiness. We look for things outside of us to change or fix as if they are the problem. Focusing on physical change is what we normally do as humans. Moving the dresser to another wall will not fix anything. We need to identify these situations as something we can change if we wish to, but not changing physical things because that does not work. Recognizing a relationship problem is not a physical problem is a healthier response to a repeating problem. Moving furniture is exercise. Buying something we do not need, is not valuing our gifts.

The next time when in a close relationship when something seems amiss, no matter how small, stop and think about what is really happening. Is this a repeating pattern? Are you really receiving what you want out of this relationship? Is the problem, the general situation, other person, or is it you? Change in itself can be a difficult process. Removing barriers to help you enjoy your life more makes the effort worth every minute of your time.

Don’t you find yourself out shopping, with that sad look on your face not knowing what it is you want to buy. If you catch yourself behaving like this, go home and have a good heart to heart talk with yourself about yourself. Whatever you buy will not make you happy for more than a short time, and will not fix any relationship problems.