Tag Archives: relationship

Have a happier relationship

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As I am typing this out, someone is out shopping. They have a sad look on their face, yet they are out shopping for new clothes, shoes, phone, or some other new toy. Shopping for something to change their life. Other people are at home just as unhappy, painting their walls, washing their clean car, or sliding a couch from one end of the front-room to the other.

Think of your closest relationships…. We like to think we grew up learning about how manage ourselves in healthy successful long term relationships. Our teachers and mentors for healthy and wholesome relationships were mainly our parents and siblings. If these relationships are not all that they should be, we may have an incomplete education in the close relationship department.

We also value personal relationships as something mainly for our enjoyment. We give of ourselves what the other person wants from us, but only in relation to what we are receiving. When our wants or needs are not being satisfied, we hold back some of ‘us’ in equal proportion.

In the early stages of a relationship, differences between our wants and what is being offered are noticed. We generally think of these little signals of ‘something not quite right’ as unimportant – which is a major mistake. We are so focused on getting what we want out of the relationship, we put what is missing on a back burner.

Concession, re-negotiation, and other changes are made on a regular basis in an effort to find relationship happiness. We look for things outside of us to change or fix as if they are the problem. Focusing on physical change is what we normally do as humans. Moving the dresser to another wall will not fix anything. We need to identify these situations as something we can change if we wish to, but not changing physical things because that does not work. Recognizing a relationship problem is not a physical problem is a healthier response to a repeating problem. Moving furniture is exercise. Buying something we do not need, is not valuing our gifts.

The next time when in a close relationship when something seems amiss, no matter how small, stop and think about what is really happening. Is this a repeating pattern? Are you really receiving what you want out of this relationship? Is the problem, the general situation, other person, or is it you? Change in itself can be a difficult process. Removing barriers to help you enjoy your life more makes the effort worth every minute of your time.

Don’t you find yourself out shopping, with that sad look on your face not knowing what it is you want to buy. If you catch yourself behaving like this, go home and have a good heart to heart talk with yourself about yourself. Whatever you buy will not make you happy for more than a short time, and will not fix any relationship problems.

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Death, dying, awareness, and perspective

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I have a poetry book I bought when I was a teenager. In it is a collection of life stage poems by a man, Rod McKuen. It is filled with simple poems about life and how we view life as we pass through the years. I am always amazed when I am looking through my very old things, and I come across this book and read a poem or two and reflect where I am now in relation to the poems.

What I am thinking about tonight however is an age old problem we all face, our impending death. I was thinking about death the other day, as I listened to a mother with four children yelling, and telling her children how bad and stupid they are. I was thinking…what would she prefer to tell them if she knew that shortly after she loaded everyone into the car and left the parking lot a fatal accident would occur where either all four children, or herself would be killed in an accident.

Would she be saying the things she was yelling at them, or would she be saying something else to them? Occasionally, I am at a loss with people especially the yelling woman as to what they would do or say differently, if anything knowing it may be last thing they ever uttered. In some cases people are so beaten down that they would not find anything good to say to their loved ones as their parting words. Others of course are so beat up that they would want to get in one last cutting remark as their parting shot to ensure that those left behind would know for the rest of their lives how that person felt about them.

Recently I learned about a person I know who’s Mother has become suddenly terminally ill with possibly only days left of her life. The family is with her at the hospital, or as many that can be there are at the hospital. Another person I know who is not family went there today to be with the family. I suppose that is a good thing they feel that way, but I do not know who I would want around in that situation who is not immediate family.

Suddenly the time they will have with their Mother is so restricted, between the things the doctors and nurses have to do to the dying person, the times of going in and out of coma states, and the other things that go on, it seems somehow selfish to me to want to be there to take even a few seconds of family time to satisfy my own ego, or sooth my guilt, if I had any.

The way I see it though is no matter how or what we feel, it is only right to respect the needs of the family. For me, that means I would need to be asked to be there rather than just show up and try to part of the process. I think others who can actually contribute to the process somehow, feel the need to go and do whatever it is they feel they need to do.

As for the person dying, it is a one way trip with a spot for one passenger only, it is not a family event in that respect. I see it as being born but in reverse. When we were born we may have been aware of the process in another reality, but we sure are ignorant of it in this reality. Dying must be about the same way. We are cognizant of the process here, but we are completely oblivious of what is happening to us as our body dies.

No matter what my personal feelings are, they are only my feelings. I can only speak about what is true for me. I hope when the process is complete, that all those involved received whatever it is they needed from the process. Death is never pretty, yet being left behind is painful for those weep and mourn for their own pain. It is important to find a way to put into the correct perspective. Without knowing and being aware of our own pending death, we often neglect to live a proper life – such as the woman yelling at her children over nothing.

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Grateful for my friends, and for you too!

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There is an old John Wayne movie I enjoy watching, ‘Angel and the Badman’. John Wayne plays a gun slinger, who was shot and is taken in by a Quaker family who nurse him back to health. John Wayne, and the Quaker family collide on almost every facet of their lives and neither seems to understand the other, yet both are obligated to the other for different reasons. As the movie goes on, both John Wayne and the family start understanding each others views of how problems should be dealt with. To know the rest, you will have to watch it yourself, but it is a very good movie!

Friends are like this movie, you meet, and find you usually do not share the same opinion on life, yet there is a spark there that makes you want to know about this person you have met, or work with. Eventually you are friends, and you wonder why you did not know this person before, because you get along so well together.

I am grateful for all my friends, both my social friends and my work group friends. Family more or less is forced to put up with me. They do not really have to like me, even a little, but they are forced by family bonds to at least be polite and pretend they may have an interest in what I say or think.

Friends on the other hand, are there because they want to be and that makes them very special – in a class all by themselves! Friends listen, they care what I have to say, and what I think. They may not always agree with me, but they know me well, and understand that when we disagree, it is not the end of a friendship, just we see something in two different ways.

My friends also provide me a safe place to discuss my thinking with. My friends will not just agree with me to be polite, but they will disagree at times with something I think or feel, and give me reasons why they think I am wrong. Try getting that out of your family in a manner you can accept. Sometimes it is very hard quietly discuss ideas and thoughts with family members because they are family.

One aspect of relationships my friends share with my family, is being there. If I need something, I know my friends will likely drop their plans if they feel it is serious enough and help me out. They may tell me they are not happy about it, but they would be there all the same. My family will help me out too, but they are already committed by default.

My friends are a great place to privately discuss something that is a problem in my life, that I do not feel comfortable bringing up anywhere else. Usually these conversations are just venting, but that is what friendship is for. A place for each of us to vent without being judged about our frustration.

I find for myself, I do not need a large number of friends. I would rather have a handful of very good friends, than twenty or more semi-close friends. If you belong or have ever been on a social site, you know what I mean. Some people claim friends into the hundreds. I have hundreds of people I am friendly with, but I can not say I have hundreds of very close friends.

Respect is another fine quality of friendship. My friends always treat me with the same amount respect, I am sure they enjoy themselves. Even in joking around, there are lines that friends do not cross that others will. I hope I show my friends the same respect and boundaries as they give to me.

When you see your friends, take a minute and let them know they are important to you. I think women are better at this than us men, but it does not hurt us men to tell our friends they are important to us in our lives. It only feels awkward the first few times. Thank yourself too, because you are a friend too and very important to someone!

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