With the human faults of another famous role model being dragged across every media outlet from ‘Breaking News’, to the least respected tabloid, it is once again time to look at the fantasy that some people choose to live in. We have another rich and talented person who suddenly has something between affairs and one night stands coming out of the woodwork on every turn of the calendar date.
Whether true or not is irrelevant as the damage is done. The irony being the perpetuator in this scenario is the one with the most to lose. It is as if a carefully crafted game was created for the sole purpose of toppling another ‘Golden Child’ from his throne. Topple he will, with gigantic monetary losses being among the least important long term loss he suffers
Without many exceptions any married person has had the prospect of illicit romance hover in the corners of their married life. I doubt anyone who is involved in a serious relationship is immune to the possibility that some day at some point, one will have to make a decision whether to cross that line or not.
Most people I want to think choose not to take that final step, or at least I hope most people choose not to. The reasons why not may be varied, but I think the most important reason is each of us looks at ourselves in the mirror each morning and we should like the person looking back at us.
 Relationships are rarely the ideals we like to think they are. No one is out there waiting to spend their life filling our every whim and desire. Even if someone were to try they would fail, for as soon as we have everything, we want something more. Relationships are the ultimate learning and proving ground. Whether they last a month or a lifetime, they are an arena where our souls are bared, and our emotions are on the line. What happens next decides whether the relationship is a success or not.
Cheating in a relationship hurts the other person in the short term. It hurts the person doing the cheating forever. Never again will they be trusted by those they once cared for them with all their being. Nor will they be as trusted ever again by the next person willing to enter into a relationship with them. No one should be willing to trust their hard earned money to a bank that has shown to be irresponsible, and fewer still should be willing to enter into a relationship with someone who was unfaithful to another for selfish reasons.
Sometimes relationships break down to the point where they can not be fixed. Sometimes relationships that start out good fizzle away into nothingness. When that happens it is time to access the situation and decide whether it is time to call it quits. It is not the time to go out looking somewhere else for something that likely does not exist in the first place.
I don’t have the burden of being either rich or famous. I don’t have women all over the world plotting and scheming on how they will make me one of their conquests, garnering millions of dollars in the process, and perhaps thirty minutes of fame. While we all dream of a life of being rich and famous, when push comes to shove, being true to ourselves is a much more precious and satisfying choice.
As much as the world wants to pull down years of hero status and admiration for this individual, one lesson is again glaringly obvious. No matter who we think someone is, or what they have achieved in their life, they are first and foremost human. As we all know from our own individual life: To be human is to make mistakes. We try to make mistakes we can still look in the mirror at ourself afterwards and like who we see. We also need to be gentle with those who can not look in a mirror and see someone they approve of.
I read a couple of blogs this week that moved me sort of. I left comments of course. I like to keep my comments friendly. The post topics and some morning conversation have me thinking out loud. Of course there is little point in having an opinion if you never share it.
Today started, or at least breakfast started with some talk around global warming. The folks I was with are of strong opinion that global warming is something cooked up by some environmental nuts who happened to get lucky and noticed. When I first started hearing about global warming I was tempted to agree with them. Since then I learned how to think, and I have to side with the nuts that dreamt global warming up.
My reason why global warming is a fact is so simple that many people miss the forests for the trees. I hope this is not an old thought rehashed…. Our Earth is supporting (as far as we know) a record population of people, somewhere over ten billion people. All ten billion of us are perking along at 98.6 degrees plus or minus a degree or two. Trade the animal herds we killed off one to one for people and we still have more mammals on earth than ever before heating things up. Add a few simple things like any gas powered motors, a few trillion light bulbs, and televisions/computers and we have some major heat being generated.
The first blog I read was about organized religion and a study that shows that people who have organized religion are happier, healthier, and live longer than those that don’t. Of course they do. It does not take a study to figure that out. How nice it is to blame whatever happens in your life, your fault or not, on something else.
What peace of mind that provides never having to be responsible for you own actions. My thought on this is God does not need us. We are what we are, and we should do the best we can. If that is not good enough for God, then God produced faulty humans, and the program should be scrapped. I don’t see that happening.
Another blog I read pointed out yet another study. This one said that most people interviewed thought they were okay, but people around them needed various levels of help, mostly with their heads. I know for sure I am all right, but I am not to sure about you. This study may be right. Unfortunately, it is a Phoenix study and rises from the ashes dressed in new feathers every few years. I believe Solomon mentions it in his musings, or maybe it was Aristotle, or Siddhartha, or maybe it was on The Simpson’s?
I think that covers everything blog topic that that has me thinking this week, except one. The last and questionably the best was a post about a relationship. Relationships are tough things, especially if you are a young man. Women for the most part have no trouble having a relationship with one man.
Young men on the other hand, have a very hard time being with or faithful to one woman. Evolution made the average man want to have sex with as many women as possible. Lots of sex ensures the best chance for survival of the species, for everything from disease to disaster.
Women on the other hand depend on Men to provide, and get a little picky when a man strays. My thoughts on the possibly straying man post, is it is not going to improve over time. If you think he crossing your acceptable line now, be assured he won’t improve over the next decade or two. A little hurt now ending a relationship is a lot better than a lot hurt over the next years.
Oops, one last blog I read about anger. If you are angry and do not wish to be angry, let it go. If you are anything you do not want to be, let it go. The best time to start redefining you and your life is this moment. Do not expect t change in ten minutes though, the longer you hold onto something, the longer it takes to leave you. Anger is no exception.
When you need chips (cheques) while playing poker, you tell the dealer. If the dealer does not trade your cash for cheques, he will call out the amount of cheques needed at the table. The person who brings these cheques is called a Chip Runner. There are two other common positions in a card room. One of these positions is the brush. The brush takes down your name and assigns you to play at a table. The third position and questionably the most important position is called the Floor. The Floor is the poker room manager or their designated stand-in. The floor makes decisions that the dealer can not or will not make about disputes over play, or other table matters.
In smaller poker rooms, or during slow times Chip Runners, the Brush, and Floor may all be the same person. This was one of those slow times. There was a player who was friends with the Floor on a player to poker room basis. The player was playing almost every hand and replacing his lost chips for the minimum amount each time. This meant that every ten to fifteen minutes the dealer was calling out for more chips and the Floor/brush/Chip runner would make the trip to the table to exchange cheques for cash.
The Floor arrived for the fourth time in an hour to deliver chips to the player. Frustrated the Floor asked the player, “Are you going to quit chumming soon? I found this question very funny as did some of the other players! Chumming is a fishing term. You throw something in the water to attract fish. While looking for the food they were attracted to fish will hopefully bite on your bait and become hooked. Generally the bait is worth a lot more than the chum being used.
What the floor was implying was the player was chumming with chips. The Floor was cautioning the player to slow down before the player ran out of money to buy chips with. Because he was going through his money so quickly, it was becoming difficult to impossible to win his money back. For players like this those words have no meaning.
Incorrect Chumming is something many of us do. We generally chum using different baits than money. Supervisor to employee relationships is a favorite chumming area for a number of people. They go through their working year showing up late, arguing over little things, and generally making life difficult for their boss. Then when it comes time for raises to be given out, these same people are angry that they either did not receive a raise, or received a very small raise.
Relationships too are where many people chum when they should not. One party or the other does not respect the other person enough to be responsible in their actions. Be it dating someone else, not arriving when they said they would, or not doing something they said they would do, such as return a phone call, it is a form of incorrect chumming. On the other side of the relationship, some people chum with promise baits they have no intention of giving fulfilling.
Incorrect chumming covers a whole area of things we do, but I think my few examples make clear what chumming is, and it is easy to decide whether we are incorrectly chumming or not. Chumming the right way can lead to a happy life full of reward and pleasure. Incorrect chumming is certainly a recipe for disaster. If you chum, chum responsibly.
Having been married almost three decades and being mostly successful in the second two, perhaps I can share my thoughts to bring value into your life around serious relationships and marriage?
Thinking about being involved in a serious relationship takes some planning. These are a few ideas I know you need to be very sure of
- Willing to spend your life with a person who happens to have their own life
- Not needing someone else to validate you and your life
- Whatever faults and flaws you do not like today will become worse in future years
- The person you wish to be serious with will never be a perfect partner for you
- Children will put a terrible strain on many relationships
If you are under thirty and thinking of getting married, you have a long life ahead of you. You may well be sharing each others company for forty or fifty years. While in written form forty years is easy to dismiss, it is longer than you have been alive. That is a very long time.
You must be comfortable with yourself, and do not need someone in your life to make you feel complete. You are contemplating building a life together, not merging into one body. Building a life together means just that. It does not mean that the special person in your life is going to spend their life admiring you. You are a great person, but everything has its limits, even admiration and hero worship.
It is extremely important to know what you can live with and what you can not. What you find mildly annoying today may break your marriage in five years. Knowing your future partner at their worst should be a state you can live with for longer than a few minutes. You must be able to understand and tolerate them at their worst. Anything less is not enough.
What you see and appreciate in the other person today may not be present five years from now. We are constantly in a state of change. What we are at this moment is being changed by internal and external forces. Friends will come and go, new activities will come and go. Life is a sea of change, and both of you will change with the times.
What beliefs are not open negotiation? We all have sacred areas in our lives that are not open to compromise. The person you wish to share your life needs to have identical or at the very least similar views.
The other half of your life time commitment is present to observe and note your journey through your life. They are not there to surrender their own life to take care of or cheer for you. The other person has their own life and it is your responsibility to observe and note their journey though their life too. Cheering and sharing of course is strongly encouraged.
Children have been observed tearing apart perfectly good relationships. It is important to understand that children may appear in the future. Children in their first years are self indulgent and self centered. They wreak havoc on many relationships, and stretch them to the breaking point and beyond.
Much of what you look forward to in your life journey is put aside while you do your part to properly raise your children. When you come out the other side you are both really different people than you used to be.
Shared life fundamentals are so important. Serious life long relationships like life are a series of ups and downs. Sometimes it feels more down than up, that is the way it is. It is not always easy or fun. What makes it worth the effort is knowing the foundations are in place before you start and you share the same finish line.
Other posts that may be interesting to you:
Change, change, and change some more
Relationships that last are not shallow to begin with
Three things that hurt in a new failed relationship
There is a rather old song, where a Man in a long term relationship is reading the singles section of a newspaper, and an ad catches his attention. It is an poem ad asking if he enjoys certain other things that are not part of his present life. The Man apparently has been with the same woman for some time now, and the relationship for whatever reason has grown stale. The Man thinks he is ready for a change, and this one singles ad in pretty intriguing to him.
The man answers the poem type ad, with a poem type reply. He suggests at the end of his reply ad that they meet at a favorite hangout of his. Once they are together they can start planning their future, and he can plan on how to get out of his stale, boring relationship he is currently in.
He arrives and takes a seat. Then if memory serves me right, in walks a woman. After one look he knows it is she that placed the ad. The woman who walked through the door is his long term girlfriend! They laugh and seem quite comfortable with the thought that they are both bored in their relationship with each other. Now though, it appears that they both enjoy things that neither of them talked about in all the time they were together. The song ends with them laughing and planning their new improved future together.
The song has a lot in common with most of our lives. We get up to an alarm going off, and do our morning ritual to get ready to leave the house to our work or school. From leaving the house to the end of the day we spend our time mostly on autopilot. One day blends into the next, and the next, until it is the weekend again. Occasionally something interesting happens and we come out of our fog to check it out, but generally we slip back into the fog we call our life. So we have a lot in common with the song when looked at from this perspective.
How different our lives would be if we were not spending them on autopilot? What if we started each day with the intent of seeing everything through a new pair of eyes, or form a new perspective? What if as we went though our morning routine, we actually participated in what is happening to us? The texture and smell of the soap and shampoo in the shower; the crunch or subtle tastes hiding in our breakfast; the sounds and sights on our way to work or school; the fun and pleasure of accomplishing a task that we have not bothered to feel anything about in years?
Actively participating in your own life adds a lot more enjoyment and importance to your life, than simply going through the motions. Even if you think your life is boring, and your job is worse, until you change something to make it better, it is the best life and the least boring job you have at the moment, so take advantage of it. Do not let yourself be lulled into sleepwalking through your life!
I had a couple of dogs when I was a young boy. Like all kid’s dogs, they were with me for many years. I shared a lot of my life with them. Many days they were my only companion as I was deep in the woods fishing, or wandering looking for who knows what. Eventually my dog’s in their turn grew old, and eventually died. They lived good lives, and I missed them terribly. I would cry over them, but one day I realized I was crying about how I felt, not about them being gone.
Now farther down the road, I know it is the same with relationships. If you go to any blog web listing, say wordpress.com for instance, there is a number of recent blog posts written every few minutes about a relationship that has ended. What confuses me however is I don’t read about how grief stricken some of the hapless bloggers are. I read some of the posts a second or third time and I do not see where they are overwhelmed by the situation.
What I do read is they are stricken over the effect someone leaving is having on them. They are overwhelmed that someone could not be in love with them. They are grief stricken that the relationship is over. They can not fathom the idea that someone could possibly want to be somewhere else than with them.
I could be wrong in my thinking here, but by the time they get to this point in their lives it should be clear that the world does not revolve around them. It should be apparent that the other person had a life before them, and they will are going out to find their life again with someone who thinks about life the same way they do. I have met a few people that are really heartbroken, and have been for years that someone they loved with all their being left them, but that is not what I read in most blogs.
They are not crying about the relationship, or what happened in it. They are generally sad for themselves, and how this effects them. For those of you who have solid relationships you understand what I am getting at. A good relationship is not all about you, a good relationship is all about direction.
If someone enters a relationship for themselves, they better find someone with no self worth who thinks they only exist to make someone else happy. For any relationship to work, there must be a few things going in the same direction.
First you have to forget about looks. They are a relationship built on sand. Looks only last a short time, and then most people start to forget that they were first drawn in over looks, and start looking for something more in the relationship. If you are the jealous type, you better look for a homely person…
Secondly, it is important to share the same thoughts on the most important things in your life. If you can not find agreement on those things most important to you, you are heading for a breakup. Write down the four or five most important things in your life and find out if they feel the same way before you get serious.
Find out how you both feel about time away from each other and what you expect from each other as boundaries. For example if you are the quiet type, and they like to be with many people, one of you is going to be hurt. Remember too, what you see is what you get, people do not change because you want them too.
I am by no means an expert, but these things will help. If you enter any shallow based relationship , do not expect it to last. When it does end, do not be surprised, and remember, it is not all about you. They invested part of their life too. If you feel like crying over the relationship, think about what you are crying over. Usually you will find it is all about how you feel. When that happens be happy, you are one of the lucky ones in it is over quickly.
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