I had a visitor at my site last week who felt my posts on self help and life changing in general are hollow wasted words. I agree one hundred percent with their thought. In fact there is not one article, lecture, or event one can attend that will make the slightest difference in any ones life.
Self help is a space filler of hollow promises promoted by people chasing a fast profit. Perusing the internet for unhappy self help victims one can find many instances where the promise was not only not filled, but not even partially filled. Of course there are no refunds which further sparks the fire and fans the flames.
Go into the local bookstore and shelves are filled with books claiming they can help you make your life better. If you have read the ‘about’ page of this blog, you read a similar thought there. here is a quote from my about page, “I have a lot of life experience, so I feel I have something to share with you, that you may enjoy or benefit from. “
If you believe that nothing anyone writes, said to you, or tries to sell you, will make your life any different, you are absolutely correct. Nothing you read or hear will likely make any changes in your life. The idea of any self help material, no matter the source helping anyone is an illusion.
It does not matter if you manage to bring Lester Levenson back as your personal advisor, the Roman Catholic Pope moves in next door to be closer to you, Lillith appears because she is going to be your personal mentor, or the Dali Llama agrees to be your life guide. Anything anyone could provide for you is only so many words or ideas.
 This is the plain and ugly truth about self help. Nothing you can read or hear will help you. Your life is what it is and that is the end of it. Writing this certainly clears the air. Someone at last admits that every written or produced to improve your life is wasted effort. I am glad I went ahead and made this statement. If you are in agreement there is no need to read any farther. Nothing anyone can say will change your life.
However, I am glad for the person last week who took the time to make those comments. Perhaps this is the moment that needed to be said to me. Was I wrong seeking a way of living which improves my life? Maybe it was a mistake to get beyond anger, blame, and dislike. Maybe living my life would have been more rewarding by not trying to change it.
If I was happy living a life of anger, blame, and dislike, I think I would not have decided there was a better way to live and I was going to find it, or die trying. This beginning was frustrating and difficult. What books I read where written by people who never seemed to have to struggle once in their life, with the exception of the bible and we all know what happened there. What little changes I decided I could make in my own life seemed trivial and petty, and of no consequence.
I did not have a clue on how to make my life better. I started at the very beginning. The first thing I did was I admitted I knew nothing about living a happy contented life. Starting here I made small changes I hoped would make a difference in my life.
When I spoke with people who seemed to live a better life than I did, I listened to what they said about their life. I paid attention to their outlook, and expectations for their life. I especially listened to what they thought about themselves and other people in their daily life.
Life is a struggle from the moment of our conception. We struggle to grow enough to be born, we fight off disease when we have few tools to fight with. We struggle from the moment we drop onto the bed sheet. We struggle to learn how to take our first breath.
Life is a challenge, a struggle, an adventure, or an experience. Wether we are happy and enjoy our life or not, we are the person living it. We have the power to change our life, reshape, and remold it into a life we want.
All anyone has to do, is for a split second seriously ponder if there is a better way to live. That is the seed that starts the process of changing ones life into something we want to live. One second of wondering if there is a better way opens a portal, allowing all the help in universe to offer you a helping hand. Open your mind, reach out your arm, stretch out your hand and grab on, your new life is waiting.
It is hard growing up when there is no one in your life to help you grow up. There is a change happening so quietly you do not even notice it. When you are trying to grow up on your own, you notice something is not working the way you think it should but you do not know what is wrong or why.
What is wrong is a tough message to hear. It happens to us who had no close by adult role models who we want to be like. What is wrong is you are trying to be an adult using the same tools in the same way you did as a child.
If you read on that sentence will make sense, and you will know what you have to do if you want to be happy and successful as an adult. Until now it did not really matter who you played with. If you hung around with friends who were in trouble often, and you did not do the things they did, they got into trouble, and you did not. If you hung around with people who had no ambition, did as little as possible, and acted up, it did not matter.
 Your life away from your home until now was always changing, but you came home to the routine of your life, whatever that may be. Now something is not working, and it does not make sense when you think about, because until now life was good, and it makes no sense all of a sudden.
When you start living on your own, there is no more routine or parents to go home to. What you do in or with your life is your choice, and other than your family, nobody cares whether you live your life well, or trash it completely.
Have you noticed the people you hang around with are getting expensive? They have no plans for their life, and they have little ambition while you want to have a better life than you have up to this point. Having a better life never has entered your friends thoughts. They think life is good just the way it is.
I know you do not think your friends are costing you much, but think about it. How many problems have you had over the last months while with your friends? How many times do you find yourself paying for something for them. I know you don’t think it is much, maybe a coke now and then, but if you watch closely you will see it is a lot more. Also what about the problems in your life that keep popping up? That stupid stuff that should not have happened but it does? Have you noticed your friends are always around when problems happen?
I am sure you have not really noticed, but other people they hang with are worse than they are. The people they hang with that you are starting to know have some pretty bad habits, to doing some things that will get them sent to prison some day, if they have not been in jail or something like it already.
You have to decide where you want your life to go, even if you do not know how to get there. You can no longer hang around with people who’s lives are going nowhere and expect your life to be different. The plain simple boring truth is: “You are who your friends are”, and there is no way around it. If you hang with people who’s lives are going nowhere fast, your life is not changing either except you are getting older. Notice how the people you admire are moving out of your life.
You are who your friends are because you start thinking more like them ever day. You do not notice that you are slipping when you want to move ahead. It is easier and less scary to do what you have been doing and not admit it is not working, and it is your doing. But that is exactly what you need to do. Take responsibility for your life, and the direction it is going. No one else runs your life any longer.
If you want to go nowhere in life, then think I do not know what I am talking about. It is a lot easier than the other choice. The better choice is start making choices that move your life forward. That is a painful choice because you don’t know how. You do not need to know what or how, all you need to do is decide not to. Decide not to hang with friends who have no interest in a better life. Decide not to be with people who want to be children in adult bodies. Make the right choice, and better thing will come your way.
When playing poker, after winning a big hand and you know you took everyone for more the most money possible, an interesting situation occurs. As the dealer pushes you the pot and the other players look on in various states of anguish, you scoop their chips to your little section of the table.
This is a moment when you really want to stand up and shout, “I fooled you all, I pwn (own) you! You didn’t have a clue!” What you do instead is sit quietly and stack chips looking as uninterested as possible. After all the people who lost money the hand are momentarily bitter about it, and you do not want to do anything to make their mood worse. Doing so however is not in your best interest.
This behavior is not limited to the poker tables. It happens at the dinner table, office meetings, church services, driving, just about anywhere two or more people gather to decide something, or compete for something. You can not stop or control this behavior until you know how.
What can be controlled is how it affects you as an individual. Do you find yourself angry in certain situations without understanding the reasons why? Do you suddenly lose your temper and make remarks or do something you later regret? If this sounds like your day, I know a few tricks that may help you.
Pay attention to the people around you when these ‘anger’ moods suddenly come upon you. Do you notice a pattern? Were you in a good mood until you spoke with one or two certain people. Afterward, you find yourself angry or lashing out about something that you did not care about thirty seconds before the conversation? Do people say things to push your buttons?
It is important to know there are people in everyone’s social group who love to spend their day making others angry, then walk away. If you call them on it, they will act innocent, pretending they do not know what they are doing to you. Then, same as the person stacking everyone else’s chips at the poker table, they let an almost undetectable smirk cross their face for an instant. It happens so quick, you may not realize it happened. They are getting in one last button press before they leave you alone for the day.
You can protect yourself from these situations easily once you realize they are happening. The secret is simple. Once you know that one or more people in your social group are trying to manipulate you, you are ready for them. When they stop by and start what appears to be an innocent conversation, ask yourself, ‘what is the purpose of this conversation?’ If you listen for the purpose of finding the reason they are talking with you, it is easy to spot what they are doing.
Do they want you to do something they would not do themselves? Perhaps they are trying to anger you into confronting someone they are angry with? Do they enjoy it when they make you angry? Do they use you as a tool to fix their problems?
Knowing the hidden reason for a particular conversation, you are empowered to act, or better still, not act on what you hear. Some people, who make other people angry, do so without any intention of doing it; it is rare, but it happens. They may see you as a good listener, an empathetic ear, or someone they feel they can safely blow off steam to, or a victim.
No matter what the real reason for someone trying to manipulate you, once you know what is happening, and you do not follow through doing what they intended, the other person(s) will come to realize that you are no longer their property. They no longer own (pwn) you, and they can no longer create a situation where you find yourself doing what they will not do themselves.
 I have a short two part happiness challenge you can take if you want to? It will take about two minutes, and no one will know the results except for you. Sound like something you want to try?
Ready?
Find a piece of paper and something to write with, or open up notepad or whatever you use to write notes with on your computer.
Without thinking about it, start writing or typing words and short phrases you think describe happiness in your life that have meaning to you.
Pause for a few seconds when you are done. Use the backside of your piece of paper, or open a new notepad while leaving your first notepad open. If you do not know how to do that, hit return seven or eight times so you have a new space to type on.
Now think of the happiest person or people you know. Start writing or typing words or phrases to describe them, pretend you are telling someone else about them.
When you are done, compare your phrases and words. How do the words and phrases you use to describe yourself compare to the words and phrases you use to describe your happy person?
Are they the same type of words, or are they distinct and different? Can you tell what words describe you and what words are describing your happy person?
Did you use words and phrases such as: content, happy, filled with joy, peaceful, or friendly to describe those really happy people you know?
Did you use words, such as: worried, bored, anxious, lost, empty, or wondering, to describe yourself?
Perhaps you used a mix of words that move back and forth across an imaginary happiness line?
If the words you use to describe yourself are not similar to the words you used to describe the happy person(s), how are they different?
Happiness does not happen on its own. Happiness needs help to take root and thrive in your life. You can make happiness happen if you want to.
Pause and reflect and decide if you want to make a happiness change in your life? Some people really do not want to make changes in their lives even though they talk about it.
If you want to make a change to bring more happiness in your life, start using those words and phrases you used to describe the happiest person you know to describe you.
Tell yourself at every opportunity, how happy you are. Using the happiness defining words you used to describe your happy person to validate yourself.
You should do this many times a day, at least every hour for the first days, until you start to believe it. It is very important to do this when you first wake up, and before you go to sleep.
When you meet someone new, or see someone you have not seen in a while, let them know you are a happy person, and you like people. Use some of your new words on them when you talk about yourself. It will feel funny at first, but you will get over it quickly and it will start to be a conversation ice breaker before you realize it.
Change does not happen over night, but if you keep at it you will wake one morning and you will be the happiest person you know!
If I were a carpenter, and you were a Lady…. If you listen to old country music, or happen to be a Johnny Cash fan, you know this song was sung by Johnny Cash back in the day. If you are not familiar with the song, the song is questions asking the woman different trades and if she would still love him.
What I enjoy about the song, is the different ways the man asks the same question. If I were a carpenter, tinsmith, so on and so forth will she still love him? It may seem that the man is not sure that the woman would love him and be with him, so he keeps asking to make sure the answer stay the same.
And of course the answers are the same throughout the song. June Carter sings that, yes, she would still love him and support him at whatever he does. That is a pretty strong bond the man and woman have between them, and her validation that she will and would love him no matter what came down the pipeline shows how sure they are of their relationship.
I think this song has a lot of relevance today with our world as it is. For some of us, this is our second, third, or maybe fourth major career change in the making between the job we were going to do the rest of our lives and today. For others the track record is the same in the relationship department. It seems many of those truths we were given as children are no longer true. Rarely is there a one lifetime job, or a lifetime long relationship.
Where is the balance in our lives? How do we as individuals meld our personal values, wants, and needs into something that fits our life, where not everything is forever any more? How can we go through a lifetime full of ups and downs, where the downside brings up stressors and pressures that ripple out and back, rocking our personal values, wants, and needs to there very core?
Most of us follow some variation of two main methods. One group tries to maintain order in their life, and the other group takes life as it happens. The key of course is balance. If a healthy balance is maintained between being a control freak, and letting life take you this way and that, it is possible to live a happy contented life most of the time.
In the song, what the man does for a living is not important. The relationship between the man and the woman has nothing to do with his past, present, or future career(s). The relationship is not centered on money. The relationship does not revolve around what they have or do not have. The relationship does not center on how they look, or how witty they are. The relationship is centered on the love each has for the other. As long as love is the center of their relationship, nothing else matters.
Nothing else matters to the couple in the song. They know what is important for them and why. They know that not compromising what is most important to them by life’s other distractions brings them the most happiness possible. Letting yourself be distracted away from what is most important to you is the second biggest cause of unhappiness. The biggest cause of discontent and unhappiness is not knowing what is most important in your life until after you have given it away, or otherwise compromised it.
Take time at the end of each day before you fall asleep and review at what you are doing with your life. Is what you are doing bringing you closer or farther from what you truly want? Is what you are doing making you happy, or does it tug on you, stealing a little of your happiness away every day? Decide what is most important to you each night, and start each day trying to make it happen. Before you know it, you will wake up and realize you are there!
We should not define ourselves through the approval or disapproval of others, but rather by accepting ourselves and appreciating who we are. When we are young children, maybe even babies we do things that elicit a reaction. If moving the muscles in our face receives a response, we try it again. If it works a second time it becomes a part of who we are.
Being accepted and approved of by those around us is very important to our well being. It is what makes society function from a tribal setting to a country of billions. If we are not accepted by those around us for who we are, it is hard to be happy.
Often we take the need to be accepted farther than we should. We do certain things or perform certain acts, not because we want to, but because it is something we think we need to do to receive acceptance from those around us.
Often those rituals we are performing are restrictions we place upon ourselves. Dressing a certain way is a good example. When we are children it never enters our minds how we are dressed. It is only when others in our social circle start to notice what we are wearing that our clothing becomes important to us.
This forming and changing to conform rules our life throughout our high school and early adult years. We conform and change so often we are not even aware we are doing it, and have been doing it. As we change, we change our speech, our taste in television, books, and other entertainment, and opinions of people and the world.
We wake each day and put a happy face on for the world to see, showing everyone we come into contact with how much like them we are. We observe certain few people who seem to be naturals in our chosen circle and emulate them. We also start feeling less than because we are not that talented and natural at being who we want the world to see we are the same as that person or persons.
What would happen if instead of trying to be like everyone else with a few minor differences, we worked on becoming ourselves? Really being who we are, and not settling for being a little bit of who we really are?
Each day we wake, each of us makes almost invisible changes from who everyone thinks we are to who we really are. Most of the time we are not even aware of the process. It may be something as odd as waking up, and wondering why we said what we said to someone the day before. Or maybe why we watched a different television program the night before instead of the program we always watch.
Our inner self knows who and what we really are, and manipulates subtle changes in our lives to help us become us, and not a poor clone of who we think we want to be. Women are the most obvious and successful example during middle age. We men go through a major process too, but we are not as successful as women are in identifying and becoming the real us.
Those people we tried to emulate all those years, were themselves, and they were comfortable with who they were. The real us is perfect too once we remove all the additions and subtractions we made to ourself to fit in. The real us is the person who has stripped away all expectations belonging to others about us, and they become the person they were born to be.
Once we are us, and not an act, we start to have a clear understanding of why we are in this world, and what our true purpose is. At this point we enter in a race against time to accomplish whatever it is we were meant to do.
How much healthier it would be if we did not wait until some future time to become us, stripped away the facade starting right now, and became the real us. How much more we could accomplish as we perfect ourselves along the way instead of going through separate processes. Who am I, and what is my purpose would not be as painful of a process. We need you, start now on the path to finding you.
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