Tag Archives: Self help – helped me

Take On a New Life – 1 of 2

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I came across an interesting idea a few weeks ago I wanted to share as a possibility for someone to use in their own life. The idea is too good to be left alone, to die a lingering death in a long forgotten post.

We all have times when we feel our life is not all it should be. Maybe the forces opposing us have joined together and are exerting themselves against us as one unit rather than a number of individual smaller problems we have been ignoring.

Maybe life has been unpleasant for so long we have forgotten what normal life is like. Waking up every day to the same problems and no solutions, with no end in sight can be a pretty demoralizing existence. After some time, the thought of living a life of pain becomes so much it hardly seems worth the effort.

After a time people start to react to their environment. For some, their way of dealing with their problems is hard to detect. Way down inside they have come to terms with the idea that this is the best it is going to get and they blunt themselves to the future in a fugue of apathy.

Others escape into what starts out as a great way to escape, usually some form of reality altering brought about in the form of an ingested substance. For a short period all their troubles seem to disappear. Then they realize they have compounded their problems by adding another big problem to their life.

A small few decide their life in the state it is, is not worth living. Unfortunately, they are so overwhelmed they can imagine no other alternative than throwing in the imaginary towel, with the thought that whatever happens can not be any worse than what they are going trough at the moment.

The idea I read about was another form of leaving your problems behind. Instead of opting out, and ending it all, or practicing substance abuse, how about realizing that life is really all in the perception?

If your life stinks, quit living that way! Decide that from this moment on, your problems are all behind you. From this moment on you are trading in your old life for a new one. No longer will the pressures of your old life keep you down and wear you out. From this moment forward you are going to start living the life you want to live!

Sounds really good to this point this starting a new life. Just walk away and start living the life you want to live. The problem in this simplistic thought is there is no place you can walk to in leaving your old life behind. So what to do to start living a new and improved life? How does one go from the depths of despair to the upper side and enjoy the good life?

The answer is not really as difficult as it may seem. Start living someone else’s life! Quit living in the same downward spiral pattern of failure that leads to the bottom, and start living life as someone with a future lives their life.

Start living life as a new person, who inherited for the short term someone else’s problems. It really is not that difficult. All it takes is a little imagination, and a little willingness to be different.

Wake up the next day and know that all those problems that were dragging you down are now someone else’s problems. You no longer have those problems in your life. You have agreed to help out a struggling friend by taking on their problems and working towards a solution for them so they can get on with their real life.

All the unsuccessful behaviors they have, you do not. Those behaviors belong to another, not to you. You have agreed to help them because they need help and no one else is willing to lend a hand.

Start working on a new way of living. Look at each new day as a day of new possibility and not a day of same old. Reach out and give the old you a hand, and help them start living the life they want to live instead the life they are living.

It will not happen in one day, one week, or in one month. Reaching your hand back to your old self to find a new and better life is better than letting your old self keep you from enjoying a life lived the way life should be lived. Turn around, reach back and take the hand of the old you, and start leading the old you into a new life.

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Promoting Bad Behavior

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There is always a lot of information available in Personal Development on how to improve yourself by changing your behaviors. Many sources emphasize changing what are construed as negative social behaviors for what are thought to be more acceptable behavior. I really do not think this behavior modification is possible from a deep level perspective.

Behaviors which some see as negative, anti-social, career limiting, whatever one chooses to call them, are behaviors which work for the individual at some level. These behaviors are tried and true, modified and tuned through the preceding years. When these behaviors are used they achieve the expected outcome. If these behaviors did not work for an individual they would have been modified out of existence.

What does one do if they are seen as, or they feel they have behaviors which hold them back from achieving their goals? Behavior substitution is the most promoted course of action. Substitute a limiting behavior for a behavior that is more accepted and helps achieve the desired result. That is what many experts say.

Take that behavior which is causing problems and replace it with a better behavior. For some people this is a healthy and positive way to fix whatever is wrong. The positive reinforcement of changed behavior should solidify and promote the use of the new behavior.

The only problem is it does not work for many people. People modify or replace one or more behaviors they feel are holding them back in some way. They adopt what they believe are more acceptable behaviors. Often just like the weight loss panacea, they find that after really trying and working on change for weeks or months, nothing changes.

Behavior based rewards are either non-existent, or not present in enough quantity to help the individual want to keep using modified or replaced behaviors. Little by little, just as lost pounds are regained, old behaviors start re-appearing.

Instead of enjoying all the benefits of everything one hoped would happen with behavior modification, the individual finds themselves back in the same rut they thought they were digging themselves out from. A  lot of work and effort and nothing really changed.

Maybe the problem is not in the behaviors themselves? Unless they are criminal or otherwise unlawful, maybe the behaviors are not the problem? After all these behaviors are part of the individuals personality and to some extent make them what they are.

Maybe the problem is using the behaviors at the wrong time, place, or manner? There are hundreds of jobs in multiple career fields where people use behaviors which do not work well in general social settings, and they use them successfully! Instead of trying to become someone else, be creative and look for opportunities, both social and career oriented where bad behaviors are both rewarded and encouraged.

Take those seemingly negative behaviors out, polish them up, and look for opportunities where they can be rewarded and not punished. With some tuning and polish, behaviors that many people want to change can be a fast track to success. It is more pleasant to look in the mirror and think, “This is who I am”, than look in the mirror and think, “This is me acting like someone else.”

The catch in this way of thinking, and there is always a catch, is self acceptance. Accepting who we are what we are, and knowing we are perfect for us is easier said than done. One has to throw away our families implanted ideas of who we are and look for our real self. We are what we are, and accepting ourselves is where our focus should be. We should not be focused on some ideal that we know we will never meet, or become.

Once self acceptance is second nature, it is time to find an outlet where we can be rewarded for how we are. Dismiss limiting beliefs about what we think we should be doing, for finding a lifestyle and career where we are acknowledged and rewarded for who we really are.

This takes effort and searching. The possibilities are real, they exist. Other people just like us are benefiting being themselves, doing work we can only guess at. All we need to do is be willing to break the mold we never fit in to start with, and get out there and find what we were created for and meant to do with our life.

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Self Help Fallacy

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I had a visitor at my site last week who felt my posts on self help and life changing in general are hollow wasted words. I agree one hundred percent with their thought. In fact there is not one article, lecture, or event one can attend that will make the slightest difference in any ones life.

Self help is a space filler of hollow promises promoted by people chasing a fast profit. Perusing the internet for unhappy self help victims one can find many instances where the promise was not only not filled, but not even partially filled. Of course there are no refunds which further sparks the fire and fans the flames.

Go into the local bookstore and shelves are filled with books claiming they can help you make your life better. If you have read the ‘about’ page of this blog, you read a similar thought there. here is a quote from my about page, “I have a lot of life experience, so I feel I have something to share with you, that you may enjoy or benefit from. “

If you believe that nothing anyone writes, said to you, or tries to sell you, will make your life any different, you are absolutely correct. Nothing you read or hear will likely make any changes in your life. The idea of any self help material, no matter the source helping anyone is an illusion.

It does not matter if you manage to bring Lester Levenson back as your personal advisor, the Roman Catholic Pope moves in next door to be closer to you, Lillith appears because she is going to be your personal mentor, or the Dali Llama agrees to be your life guide. Anything anyone could provide for you is only so many words or ideas.

self helpThis is the plain and ugly truth about self help. Nothing you can read or hear will help you. Your life is what it is and that is the end of it. Writing this certainly clears the air. Someone at last admits that every written or produced to improve your life is wasted effort. I am glad I went ahead and made this statement. If you are in agreement there is no need to read any farther. Nothing anyone can say will change your life.

However, I am glad for the person last week who took the time to make those comments. Perhaps this is the moment that needed to be said to me. Was I wrong seeking a way of living which improves my life? Maybe it was a mistake to get beyond anger, blame, and dislike. Maybe living my life would have been more rewarding by not trying to change it.

If I was happy living a life of anger, blame, and dislike, I think I would not have decided there was a better way to live and I was going to find it, or die trying. This beginning was frustrating and difficult. What books I read where written by people who never seemed to have to struggle once in their life, with the exception of the bible and we all know what happened there. What little changes I decided I could make in my own life seemed trivial and petty, and of no consequence.

I did not have a clue on how to make my life better. I started at the very beginning. The first thing I did was I admitted I knew nothing about living a happy contented life. Starting here I made small changes I hoped would make a difference in my life.

When I spoke with people who seemed to live a better life than I did, I listened to what they said about their life. I paid attention to their outlook, and expectations for their life. I especially listened to what they thought about themselves and other people in their daily life.

Life is a struggle from the moment of our conception. We struggle to grow enough to be born, we fight off disease when we have few tools to fight with. We struggle from the moment we drop onto the bed sheet. We struggle to learn how to take our first breath.

Life is a challenge, a struggle, an adventure, or an experience. Wether we are happy and enjoy our life or not, we are the person living it. We have the power to change our life, reshape, and remold it into a life we want.

All anyone has to do, is for a split second seriously ponder if there is a better way to live. That is the seed that starts the process of changing ones life into something we want to live. One second of wondering if there is a better way opens a portal, allowing all the help in universe to offer you a helping hand. Open your mind, reach out your arm, stretch out your hand and grab on, your new life is waiting.

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Growing Up Is Hard To Do

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It is hard growing up when there is no one in your life to help you grow up. There is a change happening so quietly you do not even notice it. When you are trying to grow up on your own, you notice something is not working the way you think it should but you do not know what is wrong or why.

What is wrong is a tough message to hear. It happens to us who had no close by adult role models who we want to be like. What is wrong is you are trying to be an adult using the same tools in the same way you did as a child.

If you read on that sentence will make sense, and you will know what you have to do if you want to be happy and successful as an adult. Until now it did not really matter who you played with. If you hung around with friends who were in trouble often, and you did not do the things they did, they got into trouble, and you did not. If you hung around with people who had no ambition, did as little as possible, and acted up, it did not matter.

choicesYour life away from your home until now was always changing, but you came home to the routine of your life, whatever that may be. Now something is not working, and it does not make sense when you think about, because until now life was good, and it makes no sense all of a sudden.

When you start living on your own, there is no more routine or parents to go home to. What you do in or with your life is your choice, and other than your family, nobody cares whether you live your life well, or trash it completely.

Have you noticed the people you hang around with are getting expensive? They have no plans for their life, and they have little ambition while you want to have a better life than you have up to this point. Having a better life never has entered your friends thoughts. They think life is good just the way it is.

I know you do not think your friends are costing you much, but think about it. How many problems have you had over the last months while with your friends? How many times do you find yourself paying for something for them. I know you don’t think it is much, maybe a coke now and then, but if you watch closely you will see it is a lot more. Also what about the problems in your life that keep popping up? That stupid stuff that should not have happened but it does? Have you noticed your friends are always around when problems happen?

I am sure you have not really noticed, but other people they hang with are worse than they are. The people they hang with that you are starting to know have some pretty bad habits, to doing some things that will get them sent to prison some day, if they have not been in jail or something like it already.

You have to decide where you want your life to go, even if you do not know how to get there. You can no longer hang around with people who’s lives are going nowhere and expect your life to be different. The plain simple boring truth is: “You are who your friends are”, and there is no way around it. If you hang with people who’s lives are going nowhere fast, your life is not changing either except you are getting older. Notice how the people you admire are moving out of your life.

You are who your friends are because you start thinking more like them ever day. You do not notice that you are slipping when you want to move ahead. It is easier and less scary to do what you have been doing and not admit it is not working, and it is your doing. But that is exactly what you need to do. Take responsibility for your life, and the direction it is going. No one else runs your life any longer.

If you want to go nowhere in life, then think I do not know what I am talking about. It is a lot easier than the other choice. The better choice is start making choices that move your life forward. That is a painful choice because you don’t know how. You do not need to know what or how, all you need to do is decide not to. Decide not to hang with friends who have no interest in a better life. Decide not to be with people who want to be children in adult bodies. Make the right choice, and better thing will come your way.

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Do Not Let Anyone PWN You!

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When playing poker, after winning a big hand and you know you took everyone for more the most money possible, an interesting situation occurs. As the dealer pushes you the pot and the other players look on in various states of anguish, you scoop their chips to your little section of the table.

This is a moment when you really want to stand up and shout, “I fooled you all, I pwn (own) you! You didn’t have a clue!” What you do instead is sit quietly and stack chips looking as uninterested as possible. After all the people who lost money the hand are momentarily bitter about it, and you do not want to do anything to make their mood worse. Doing so however is not in your best interest.

This behavior is not limited to the poker tables. It happens at the dinner table, office meetings, church services, driving, just about anywhere two or more people gather to decide something, or compete for something. You can not stop or control this behavior until you know how.
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What can be controlled is how it affects you as an individual. Do you find yourself angry in certain situations without understanding the reasons why? Do you suddenly lose your temper and make remarks or do something you later regret? If this sounds like your day, I know a few tricks that may help you.

Pay attention to the people around you when these ‘anger’ moods suddenly come upon you. Do you notice a pattern? Were you in a good mood until you spoke with one or two certain people. Afterward, you find yourself angry or lashing out about something that you did not care about thirty seconds before the conversation? Do people say things to push your buttons?

It is important to know there are people in everyone’s social group who love to spend their day making others angry, then walk away. If you call them on it, they will act innocent, pretending they do not know what they are doing to you. Then, same as the person stacking everyone else’s chips at the poker table, they let an almost undetectable smirk cross their face for an instant. It happens so quick, you may not realize it happened. They are getting in one last button press before they leave you alone for the day.

You can protect yourself from these situations easily once you realize they are happening. The secret is simple. Once you know that one or more people in your social group are trying to manipulate you, you are ready for them. When they stop by and start what appears to be an innocent conversation, ask yourself, ‘what is the purpose of this conversation?’ If you listen for the purpose of finding the reason they are talking with you, it is easy to spot what they are doing.

Do they want you to do something they would not do themselves? Perhaps they are trying to anger you into confronting someone they are angry with? Do they enjoy it when they make you angry? Do they use you as a tool to fix their problems?

Knowing the hidden reason for a particular conversation, you are empowered to act, or better still, not act on what you hear. Some people, who make other people angry, do so without any intention of doing it; it is rare, but it happens. They may see you as a good listener, an empathetic ear, or someone they feel they can safely blow off steam to, or a victim.

No matter what the real reason for someone trying to manipulate you, once you know what is happening, and you do not follow through doing what they intended, the other person(s) will come to realize that you are no longer their property. They no longer own (pwn) you, and they can no longer create a situation where you find yourself doing what they will not do themselves.

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Happiness Challenge

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happy-ii1I have a short two part happiness challenge you can take if you want to? It will take about two minutes, and no one will know the results except for you. Sound like something you want to try?

Ready?

Find a piece of paper and something to write with, or open up notepad or whatever you use to write notes with on your computer.

Without thinking about it, start writing or typing words and short phrases you think describe happiness in your life that have meaning to you.

Pause for a few seconds when you are done. Use the backside of your piece of paper, or open a new notepad while leaving your first notepad open. If you do not know how to do that, hit return seven or eight times so you have a new space to type on.

Now think of the happiest person or people you know. Start writing or typing words or phrases to describe them, pretend you are telling someone else about them.

When you are done, compare your phrases and words. How do the words and phrases you use to describe yourself compare to the words and phrases you use to describe your happy person?

Are they the same type of words, or are they distinct and different? Can you tell what words describe you and what words are describing your happy person?

Did you use words and phrases such as: content, happy, filled with joy, peaceful, or friendly to describe those really happy people you know?

Did you use words, such as: worried, bored, anxious, lost, empty, or wondering, to describe yourself?

Perhaps you used a mix of words that move back and forth across an imaginary happiness line?

If the words you use to describe yourself are not similar to the words you used to describe the happy person(s), how are they different?

Happiness does not happen on its own. Happiness needs help to take root and thrive in your life. You can make happiness happen if you want to.

Pause and reflect and decide if you want to make a happiness change in your life? Some people really do not want to make changes in their lives even though they talk about it.

If you want to make a change to bring more happiness in your life, start using those words and phrases you used to describe the happiest person you know to describe you.

Tell yourself at every opportunity, how happy you are. Using the happiness defining words you used to describe your happy person to validate yourself.

You should do this many times a day, at least every hour for the first days, until you start to believe it. It is very important to do this when you first wake up, and before you go to sleep.

When you meet someone new, or see someone you have not seen in a while, let them know you are a happy person, and you like people. Use some of your new words on them when you talk about yourself. It will feel funny at first, but you will get over it quickly and it will start to be a conversation ice breaker before you realize it.

Change does not happen over night, but if you keep at it you will wake one morning and you will be the happiest person you know!

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